The Frame.

Last december I threw out a frame.

Every time I walked by the god dame thing I would scream cry or have some sort of rage fit.

Yes, Every time.

The frame was a wedding gift; from who.... I don't remember.

It was wooden and had an inscription on the front that read..

"All Because Two People Fell In Love"

Back then it felt like an attack.

Like each time was the realization that my husband had fallen in love with someone else.

I think I went at that frame with a hammer, a can of febreze and threw old gross cat litter on top of it... just to make sure it was really really broken.

No matter what I did.... or what I do, I can't get those words out of my head.

"All Because Two People Fell In Love"

It's only now that I can see that the reason I was so mad at that stupid frame was because I was so angry that I let my self fall in love with someone that would do something like this.

When I heard those words "All Because Two People Fell In Love" in my head I was ashamed.

Ashamed of him for what was done, and ashamed to actually be the girl who let it happen.

But time changes things.

Now, when I hear those same words in my head, I think of Apple.

She exists "All Because Two People Fell In Love", and for that I am blessed.

I now feel and have for sometime, that this is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Yes, this whole thing has become one of the biggest blessings in my life.

I can fully admit, that I am happier now than I ever have been.

I am a better version of that girl I kept searching for in the mirror.

I am myself. Finally and happily.

I am lonely and crusty somedays, but I am dealing with it knowing this:

I get a do over, on my own terms and in my own way at no fault of my own.

Why?

"All Because Two People Fell In Love"

Love is the reason we do 70% of the things we do in life,

We change things about ourselves and our world for the ones we love.

We fix things about ourselves for the ones we love.

We do a lot of shit we really don't want to do for the ones we love.

We fight harder and push longer for the ones we love.

We sacrifice for the ones we love.

"All Because Two People Fell In Love"

It is just that simple.

When the punishment fits the crime.

This one took forever.

It has taken me two solid weeks to write and re write the words to this post.

I would write then delete, then undo then undo the undo.

It felt harsh and cold, which is not where I am today in my heart... but it is the reality in which I live.

With christmas around the corner the push and pull of where we go is ever present.

We are back and fourth from that place we call home 3 or 4 times in the next week or so.

Trying to arrange drop offs and pick ups can be overwhelming on the best of days, but during the holidays it often feels more stressful.

A part of me hates that this is how our life is, but another part is so glad that she will never know any different.

He will always have her on boxing day, that won't ever change. That is his christmas day with Apple, mine is Christmas eve and Christmas day.

It had been decided 8 months ago, and it is understood how our holidays and birthdays work.

There was no arguing when it was decided. Just acceptance on both sides that this is the way it was going to be.

I respect him for that.

As much as it must hurt to not see her on Christmas day, I believe that it is something that he feels he could give to me in an effort to make things right.

Last year Christmas was a blur. I don't really remember most of it to be honest. I know where I was and I know what I did... but I wasn't really there.

I am crazy excited about the holidays this year. I can't wait t

o see her face when she opens up her presents. (she has had some practice--- she thought it would be a good idea to open up a gift or two early last week)

I can't wait to watch her in her jammies that match her cousins.

I can't wait to watch her dance with excitement when she likes her presents.

I can't wait to see her smile her big smile... the one she gives me when she is in love with the world around her.

Although there are hardships being a single parent.... there is good stuff that people don't tell you.

There is something to be said for knowing that everyday until she has her own family;

She will wake up with me on christmas day and we will smile those big smiles at each other.... and understand each other like only her and I can....

The happiness that this girl brings me is the best gift I have ever been given.

Merry Christmas from Apple and I.

xo

(one more post before christmas coming at some point in the next 2 days; I had to break todays post into 2)

Really? Yeah. Really.

My life in general provides both my family and my friends with laughter.

It's not always in the ways that I would like, sometimes well actually most of the time it is the sheer volume of embarrassing things that happen to me on any given day.

On Sunday, I went to my niece's baptism. I am one of her god mothers.

I think a relevant part of the story is to tell you up front that I am not catholic.

I don't pretend to be either, I curse like a sailor and don't go to church on a regular basis.

For starters, I knew apple was not going to do well in church.

I can't get her to sit still at home on the couch for ten minutes... so i was positive that the likely hood of her doing so a church would be slim to none, especially because she doesn't understand the whole "i'll put the fear of god in you thing"

Apple with some help from me scaled the pew to get to my parents sitting behind us.... who were able to control her far better than I.... which allowed me to take part in my first official godparent duty.

I had to make a cross on my niece's forehead.

The two other god parents went before me and I didn't really pay any attention to what finger they used so I just used good old peter pointer.

If you are catholic than you are probably laughing right now....

This anglican girl didn't know that she was supposed to use her thumb.

I still don't get why, but apparently it is just what you do,

who knew that your thumb was more holy then peter pointer....

After that Apple started to get a bit crazy... not really crazy just loud.

So I decided it was time for me to get her out of the church for a bit. We went to the front of the church and I let her walk around for a bit. Which was making things a lot better until she saw a cat outside.

She ran to the door and started screaming "KITTY" KITTY". (not just twice, probably close to 25 times) People were starting to turn around in the back three isles and I knew that she was just going to get louder, so I opened the door so we could go outside and see the cat.

But the cat had other ideas.

It scooted into the back of the church much to the delight of Apple.

I without thinking set Apple down and ran for the Cat.

I caught it quickly, and turned around to see something scarier then a cat in a catholic church.

Apple had both hands on the rope dangling from the celling.

That rope rings the church bell.

So... I ran with a cat in one arm over to apple and scooped her up with great force... which caused some crying and headed outside in FREEZING cold weather with no coat.

My dad came outside seconds later to relieve me from my duties so I could go up and finish my godparent duties at the front of the church.

Which I did... without any other incidents. Well, other then the fact I wondered to myself if holy water tasted like sweat.

That was Sunday.

Today was a new day.... Today I started a new job.

New on a lot of levels, but to be honest.... It is something that I know a lot about... So I didn't have a lot of fears of it not going well.

It did go well.

It actually went great.

Despite the fact that with in the first two hours of being on the job I "BY ACCIDENT" hit the silent alarm at the front desk which caused the police to show up within two minutes of me hitting the alarm "BY ACCIDENT".

Hours later I fixed the Christmas tree at work, much to the delight of my boss.

She told me that fixing it all but cancelled out the fact I hit the alarm "BY ACCIDENT" and that I could keep my job.

I'll let you know how day two goes.

the one about home depot.

My girl and I have some pretty serious adventures day to day.

Most days we make everything we do fun, with vanilla oreo's... and what ever random toys are shoved in my purse that day...Including but not excluding balloons, beach balls, flash lights, headbands, dolls, legos, thomas, percy, bertie the bus... you name it we have taken it with us out and about.

Late last week we went to Home Depot, we needed some light bulbs and clear garbage bags.

That was it... that was all we needed.

Light bulbs and garbage bags.

Seems simple doesn't it.

These two items are mere feet away from each other... It was a maximum eight minute job.

I got the light bulbs quickly, and was checking out my options in the garbage bag section.

Apple was happily singing and clapping safely in the cart.

I looked over at her a few times, making sure that she was alright... and each time she was.

Until something looked different.

Keep in mind I was looking at garbage bags, this whole process took under two minutes.

Apple found a way in seconds to take off both her coat and her shirt....In the middle of Home Depot.

I stared at her for a few seconds trying to process how and why she had felt necessary to do this when a man approached from behind me to tell me that my daughter was half naked in Home Depot.... and that I was not doing anything about it.

I stared back at him blankly and said.... "yes she is.. but it doesn't seem to be bothering her"

He said.... "yeah, but I think it is a little cold"

I then ran over and began to re dress her.

Which did not go smoothly.

There was screaming and crying and what I like to call "fists of furry".. which means she air punches and if she hits you... well that's your problem because you were in the way.

That my friends is what a trip to Home Depot can be like with a two year old.

My dad constantly tells me that Home Depot is a great place to pick up men,

Yes, he tells me that ALL the time.

I guess one of us was trying.

Ready to run.

After a visit to my therapist on Tuesday I searched for answers.

I looked deeper then before.

Deeper than I wanted to.

I am the kind of person who can deflect any question or any comment into a joke.

I avoid dealing with my emotions and feelings although they always feel like they are right there at the surface... ready to come out.

On Tuesday we talked a lot about why.

I used to think it was because I was afraid of how people around me would react,

now after a lot of thought, I think it is just the opposite.

I am actually afraid of how I will react to the emotion.

Of actually admitting the real way I feel... Of actually feeling the emotion, letting it get a hold of me and losing some control.

I know why it changed, that is easy.

I started to shut down what I was feeling so it wouldn't hurt so much.

So I wouldn't have to listen to everything inside me telling me to run.

Where that leaves me today is with a place that makes me uncomfortable, scared and vulnerable.

A place that is new to me.

A place where I know what is wrong and I know how to fix it....

I'm just not so sure that I can.

I still got it.

First off.... I am sorry to all of you that have emailed and called that I haven't had a chance to get back to.

When I opened my inbox on Sunday night I was shocked to find 47 emails from a lot of you who read this blog.

It was overwhelming.

It was gratifying.

It was love in it's purest form.

I spent the entire weekend in the small town I call still call home... the same place I dream about getting back to.... the place where I feel most like me.

I got home in the early afternoon and spent some time with my grandpa.

He and I had a pretty serious heart to heart about life.

He told me what it was like to get old... and see the inevitable staring you in the face... to know that your time is limited and to still have worry in your heart.

That worry is for me.

He explained that he would love to see me be married again, and have more children if that is what I wanted... Mostly he told me that he didn't want me to be alone.

I held is hand tightly and told him the same things that I tell most of you.

That I am fine.

Is it a lie?

Is it accurate?

Is it what I really feel?

Most days, yes it is.

Yes, at the end of the day I am physically alone, but now more than a year ago my life is filled with people who love me and with people who want to be around me.

People that care enough to send the emails and people who care enough to call.

So... Saturday was it rough?

Yeah, a bit.

But so are random Monday mornings when the ladies at swimming ask why Apple's dad never comes.

This is a life that has taken some getting used to, but it's a life that I accept and have grown to love.

Keep looking...

As the days grow darker faster and the cold mornings stay until the late afternoon my mind drifts back to the place I was last year.

"Our" anniversary was October 1st.

I didn't write about it, I didn't talk about it.... I attempted not to think about it.

But I did end up dealing with it.

I think that no matter how much I attempt to pretend that I am not affected by holidays, birthdays, anniversary or even just the every day memories.... I am.

As each event comes and goes...it does get easier to deal with.

Or maybe I am just getting stronger.

That night my memories came flooding back as I put my daughter to bed.... I remembered where we went for dinner and what we both ordered. I remembered how happy I felt and that I thought that things were getting better with us. I remembered feeling so connected to him.

I kept the card he had given me on that night until a day or two ago.

It was a beautiful card, one that I had also picked for him years earlier, but it wasn't the card that held the meaning.... it was the words inside.

He told me then, that his gift to me would be simple... He wanted to be a better husband to me, and that he would spend the rest of his life trying.

45 days later he would walk out the front door forever.

It took me by surprise later that same night to start remembering more.

Actually, not more.... just the truth.

I remembered how he got up from the table at least 4 or 5 times to go to the washroom,

I remember that he stayed up late that night to work,

I remember feeling empty

But mostly I remember knowing.

I knew with every thing inside me that he was still having an affair.

There had been no connection, only deception....

There had been no happiness for me on that night, only fear and sadness....

It was not getting better, it was getting worse.

We are eight days shy of being on our own for a year, and we do things everyday that I never thought we would be able to do on our own.

I can finally say out loud for probably the first time in my life, that I am proud of myself.

For kicking this things ass

For getting on with my life

For playing fair

For being true to myself and my daughter

and most importantly....For starting to live again.

Clap for him.

Last thursday night I got to do something that I have been waiting to do since I was 18.

I sat 6 rows from the front with one of my best friends to watch Jay Z.

It was unreal and so real all at the same time.

We laughed harder then I have in a long time and did not sit down for about three hours.

By far it was the best concert I have ever been to.

Although it took 3 days to restore my hearing fully.... it was worth it.

Normally, I don't do things like this... even if it's something that I really want to do.

I always tell myself next time... or think about some reason why it doesn't work for me.... but this time I made no excuses, I have found that lately I push my self harder then ever to do things that I would not normally do.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

But at this point I think just putting myself in situations that I am nervous about or uncomfortable with is what's important.

As a year of this new life is quickly approaching... I am only now realizing the lessons that I was always meant to learn in all of this.

But that is another post to come later this month.

Apple has had a great few days... she is going on the big girl toilet like a champ and loves company while doing so.

In fact, every person that is in my home at any given time is forced to come in and watch "it."

"It" can be one of two things and you know what those two things are.

She expects all of us, to sit/stand and watch until she is completely done.... at which point she jumps off the toilet to stare at what has just gone into the toilet.

Normally screaming "Uck". Followed by trying to stick her hands into the toilet to fish "it" out.

All and all, it is a lot grosser then i thought it would be, but I am thrilled with my big girls progress.

Next on the list is training her how to unload the dishwasher and cleaning up dog poop in the backyard.....my dad's out of town for a month so somebody's gotta do it.

as a favor.

What I need today more than anything in this world is for my house to sell.

It consumes me night and day.

It is one of those things that I go to bed thinking about and I wake up thinking about.

There are so many reasons why I want it to sell, but mostly it is to cut ties with my old life and move home to be closer to my support system.

It no longer feels like something I want.... It is something I need.

Each day without a showing or an offer is painful.

I sometimes think that it has taken so long because I needed to see and feel more to be 100% certain of my decision.

Probably the day I listed the house I was at about 80%, and now.... I am at 110%.

So if you can... as a favor before you go to bed tonight....or as you are reading this,

Think some really positive thoughts for me.

We need this, more than you will ever know.

Chapter 4.

When i first started seeing my therapist she told me that through this process I would have to sit down and write four letters.

One to my former husband, one to the other woman, one to a person I felt that saved me and one to my daughter.

I have written the first two listed above and you have read them here, the third was recently written but the fourth I have struggled with for months.

Below is my best effort at telling her how it is today... and how it's been since she came into my life.

My best girl;

It took me four hours to fall in love with you.

That is by far the fastest I have ever fallen in love with anyone in my life, so don't feel bad.

Minutes after you were born and they layed you on my chest... I felt nothing.. but pain and confusion.

It was not until we were alone in our room four hours later that I looked past the cries and the fear inside me... and saw you.

Really saw you....

That moment was the most defining moment of my life.

I had this feeling then that I still carry with me today...

That you and I would be forever.

I had no clue about what was to come, or that this is where we would be today... but I would do it all over again and more if it meant having you in my life.

In the first months of this mess it was you that pulled me out of bed and gave me the focus and drive to live and for that I owe you .

I promise that I will spend the rest of my life giving you the life that I wanted for you and nothing less.

Please know that we will always be ok.

No matter what life throws at us, there will never be a problem too big or too small that the two of us can't fix head on...

you and I will make it through it together, always my girl, I am never going anywhere.

Nothing in this world means as much to me as you do... and everyday I am grateful to have you by my side.

I know that one day when you read all these words that I have written, you will have so many questions.

I will always do my best to answer them, but all you need to ever know is this;

You are loved.

So loved by so many, and that my girl will never change.

I love you through and through,

Mummy

xoxo

briefly

When you least expect it.. life kicks you in the ass.

I wrote last week about the broken furnace and broken gas fireplace. I rounded out the week with a broken dryer and the dog getting sprayed by a skunk.

As calm as I try to be, I am not a calm person by nature....I lose my marbles on a regular basis.

Each thing that happened made me think, well at least it can't get worse then this..... but it did again and again.

After the dog got sprayed by the skunk I sat down on my laundry room floor and cried. A lot.

But, I picked myself up and went into the garage and washed him with this magic stuff....

and tried to take a look at things from a different perspective.

The facts are as follows

My furnace broke: but i was gullible enough to buy the crazy insurance from my gas company so if it breaks they come and fix it for free. (so $1100 of work done for free)

The gas fireplace broke: but was fixed for free with in 24hrs by my trusty neighbor dan.

My dryer broke: it is actually dead and beyond the world of fixing, but my other trusty neighbor jessie just happened to have a spare dryer that he is letting me use.

The dog got sprayed buy a skunk: my house and my dog wreaked like bloody hell, but both were fixable with in 24 hours. (thanks to lindsbabes fancy skunk smell recipe)

Each of these things which seemed like the end of the world at the time---- are small things that with help from those around me were fixable.

All I had to do was ask.

My Best Girl

I leave a lot out when I write. I know, I say that a lot.

Mostly because it sometimes seems like to much to say, but other times I think I am the only one in the world who must be feeling this way....or maybe I am just to ashamed to admit what really goes on.

But lately I started to understand that we are all sort of interconnected with our emotions and feelings.

An easy example is my beautiful little girl.

That same little girl that I tell you says and does all those sweet and amazing things also does the following;

Screams bloody murder when I tell her no.

Screams bloody murder when I take something away from her.

Screams bloody murder basically at the drop of a dime.

She slaps me.

She hits me.

She throws down any where at any time... meaning, she will lay on the floor at home, shoppers, my family's houses and lose her mind for no good reason.

Throws food on the floor, at the dog and at me.

Rips apart books.

You name it she has done it.

For example, I went to fill up the dog's food container the other day in the garage, it is a two minute task.

This is what happened with in that two minutes.

After this, she decided it would be a good idea to rip down the entire wood part of the toy bin.

The funny thing about all this is that for the longest time I only told the people closest to me what a struggle she had become. It is sometimes so painfully hard to even get through an hour with her.

There are more days then I would like to admit that I want to run screaming from the house.

It wasn't until I started to open up to everyone around me that I realized, everyone with kids is dealing with the same things I am.

It has nothing to do with being a single parent, and everything to do with just being a parent.

So these days instead of saying she is "great" when people ask, I tell them how she tried to rip the cats tail off, or how she threw a massive tantrum on the floor at Walmart.

The honesty about what I am dealing with or what goes on here on a daily basis is so important, to not only those closest to me.... but to everyone.

This is what life is like, it's the things we don't say that tend to be the most important.

from a we to a me to an us.

It's thanksgiving this weekend.... and it is freezing, and my furnace is broken and I can't get the gas fireplace going.... so we are cold.

In fact one of us is still in her sleeper from last night, because it is the warmest thing that I can find for her to wear.

It's a good thing I have a little girl who constantly runs about 2 degrees higher then the average person.

This weekend has been hard, because as the seasons change I am reminded more and more of where we were last year at this time.

He was still here, and I was still believing in us.

He was gone this weekend last year to Vegas, opting out of Thanksgiving to go on a trip with some of his work friends.

Or that's what I thought...... actually that's what I forced myself to believe, because thinking it was anything else seemed so impossible at the time.

It becomes clear after all this time that I was just so unwilling to see the obvious. That I was so blind to what was happening right in front of me.

The clear part me to is this: we were not a priority then.... something like Thanksgiving, although seemingly unimportant to some... is still a time to be shared with family, together.

Setting those expectations for my daughter now has become so important for me.

It's days like today that create her memories.

Like what Nana's house smells like when she walks in.... or how Grandpa makes her feel like the most special little girl in the world.

I want her to feel love on a day like today sitting around a crowded table and laughing about how many drinks my brother has on the go at any given time, or how my other brother at 35 still refuses to eat any form of vegetable.

Yesterday as we walked down by the path close to where we live, we ran into a couple and a child.

They were both holding the little boys hands on either side and doing the 1, 2, 3 weeeeee game. (you know the one, where you swing them up in the middle of you)

We play this when she is walking with Nana and I in the mall.

She looked up at me and said 123 weeee, and my eyes filled with tears.

Knowing that it was just me and 123 weee, is not a game I can play with her on my own.

But my best girl solved our problem.

She stood in front of me and lifted her little hands into mine.... and we 123 weee'd all on our own.

It reminds me that we can do this, that against all odds.... we are going to make this life,

our life..... just that... ours.

Waiting in the Cold.

Have you ever had one of those phone calls that last so long not only have you had to change ears, but you actually change to speaker for a portion of the call because both ears are now sore?

I have had plenty in my life... but only few have ever made me really re evaluate things as much as one I had the other day.

A friend of mine, who suffered a loss far greater then my own called to check in.

The call was filled with tears and laughter.... but mostly it was filled with a profound connection that I never would have expected.

To raise a child alone is an experience like no other.

The only people that ever really understand are the ones that actually do it on a daily basis.

It's those people that I can laugh with about the strange yet amazing parts of single parenthood....

There is something to be said for restraining your child in a headlock in her highchair after she has shoved a french fry up her nose.. and pulling the part that is logged so far up her nose you can barely see it...... out with a pair of tweezers.

Those are the times when i miss someone walking in the door at 5 to ask me how the day was....

because that is not the kind of story anyone wants to hear, but a parent.

We discussed those moments when random strangers ask if our daughters look like there mothers/fathers.... or what it's like when your child is calling other people mama or dada.

Believe me, you can't make shit like this up.

I have cried in the checkout line at walmart, after someone asked my little girl where her daddy was.

The other thing we talked a lot about was love.

The way my friend talked about losing the love of a lifetime was heartbreaking.

The pain I could feel coming from the other end of the phone was so familiar.

The pain I felt knowing that I have never been loved like that was a deep blow that I never would have expected.

It hurts to know that I haven't had that in my life yet, and it may never happen for me.

Ever.

The pain I feel is like a cut that's healing....

some days I barely feel it...

and other days I feel like someone just poured salt over it.

I don't know when this goes away completely or if it ever will.

fear.

The new me doesn't work so well sometimes.

Although there are good things about it, there is also bad.

I take things to heart more, I take things to seriously, I regret more, I am hurt more.

The things that used to roll off my back don't.

I feel somethings so deeply, almost too deeply.

The smallest things that really shouldn't hurt so much, shake me to my core.

It scares me.

It scares me that there is more out there that can be lost, and that I will end up with that same pain I had in my life on day one of this for the rest of my life.

It forces me to push away the good things out of fear.

Like I said, the new me doesn't work so well sometimes.

I'm going to need hearing aids later in life.

All day long, my day is filled with the following sounds...

Apple crying, screaming, yelling, talking, laughing...

Apple throwing, dumping, ripping toys in and out of bins....

the dog and his non stop pacing, barking and whining...

the cat and her non stop indy 500 race around the house..

the phone ringing...

the washing machine running...

the dryer buzzing....

the dishwasher hissing...

the tap dripping...

the tv and its quiet show, then louder then the listed above commercial...

It is enough to drive a sane person crazy.

There are days when I walk away from it all..go into my bathroom, sit on the edge of my bathtub and cry.

Sometimes I just want it all to stop.

I just want some peace. Well, that's what I tell myself.

But as I walk down stairs each night at 8pm, I am surrounded by the deafening silence that has become my world.

I tend to isolate myself at this time at night, mostly because I know that people are putting there kids to bed or trying to unwind after a long day.

People are all around me... being families.

I am being a family too, just alone.

I remember when she was so small, I would pray that she would just keep sleeping and I would get one full nights rest.

Now, I run up those same steps at the first sign of any action on the baby monitor.

Willing to break all of my old rules, just for the company of my best girl on my lap for one more minute of the day.

time and time again.

Like I said the other day, I don't believe that time heals all wounds.

I feel like for the longest time I was living in a haze. Unable to see my own reality clearly.

Some of that was because of what he would say. He could never tell me that he was happy with his choice, he could never fully say that this was what he really wanted, he could never just tell me he wasn't coming home.

I hung on every word that he said, trying to carefully decipher each statement. Reading into something as small as "maybe" and something so huge as early renewing our mortgage... together, as if nothing had changed.

I wouldn't explain this to my friends and family because I thought "they don't know us"; "they would never understand"

But all along it was me that wasn't understanding.

So the question remains... what changed?

How did I get from not understanding to the place I am standing steady at today?

Well, I opened my eyes for one thing.

I began to understand that for what ever reason it was going to have to be me that made the choice for all of us.

It was me that would have to find the end to all this.

Yes, he had clearly made his choice to leave this house and start a new life with someone else, but with hope still lingering from his words to my heart... I held on tightly.

Until one day I didn't anymore.

Yes, I know the exact date.

On that day I stated something that I had not done in months... I focused on apple, on myself, on friends that needed me and on a family that loved me.

Loss is a funny thing. A friend of mine once said..."loss is loss, doesn't matter if they are gone from this world or gone from your life= they are gone, and you have to mourn"

So that is what I have done, and what I will continue to do.... mourn.

Until one day I don't.

Those were the days.

I am home safe and sound, and glad to be back in my reality.

It was an amazing trip, with a lot of great opportunity's to see and do some great things.

But, there is nothing like coming home.

The last few hours of travel just about killed me.

All I could think of was getting home to my best girl and holding on to her as tight as possible.

Which I did.

For the next two days.

She got a little sick of me by day three.

Well I was there, I soaked in every detail... I ate pretzels on the street with an obscene amount of mustard and smelled the hot grossness bum who threw matches at people passing by him, I hit time square... where I thought I got pick pocketed and ran the forty minute walk back to my hotel in 13 minutes in four inch heals to find my wallet on my bed... left by there by the giant dork who assumed she would get pick pocketed in time square. (ohhh the giant dork is me)

I couldn't help but think of my previous trips to nyc... and how different life looks now.

How much I have changed in just one short year still baffles my mind on a daily basis.

But I did.

I heard over and over again that "time would heal all wounds", to me though.... that's complete and utter shit...

you can go on and on and on doing the wrong things from now and until the end of time and you will not be healed.

It's not until I started doing the right things for myself that things started to change.

What were the right things?

More on that tomorrow.

Right now, It's late and I still have a huge amount of photo editing to do.

Next trip is in January... hopefully I can catch a Nets game.

If your laughing about that... then you know me all to well.

It's what he says so well.

So some big news....

I leave for New York for a few days next week. It's a trip that I have been dreaming about for some time--- but did not think that it would become a reality, but it has and I am going to make the most out of my time there.

I am nervous and excited all at the same time.

Mostly because a guy that I dream about meeting on a daily basis says things like this about the city;
"In New York,

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
Theres nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you"

Do I have the idea that these three days will be life changing?

Well, yes they could be... because this is yet another thing I have to fight like hell to force myself to do.

Its a push to take time away from apple take time for myself--

time to regain control--

time to sort some things out---

time to plan what's next--

time to remember what it's like to leave the house without a sippy cup, goldfish crackers,diapers,wipes,a plastic cow,tyrone from the backyardigans and aunt mel's old cell phone in my purse.

Oh, that guy I think about meeting on a daily basis?

That would be Jay Z.

If you have to ask me why then I think we might have a huge problem.

Of that I'm sure.

As my beautiful girl sleeps upstairs.... I breathe easier.

Our time away from each other, although necessary is often something that can push me into a not so great place.

I fill my time wisely these days--because to me... there is a huge difference between "filling" my time-- and "killing" time.

After seeing this more clearly over the last few months.... and using my time away from apple as time for myself... I realized that I needed to start applying this theory to the rest of my life.

Instead of just rushing through days so I can get to the next one, I attempting to slow down my life and start being happy now... and not wishing ahead time so i can get to the next thing coming up.

There is too much good right now that I am missing out on.

In the next few months I have so much to be excited about and so much to look forward to... but it is on me, and me only to chose to be excited and happy about all of it.

The things we don't say.

I think it is probably pretty obvious that I have been in a dark frame of mind from the last few posts I have written.

The thing is, I hide from the truth of what is inside me.

I tend to lie to myself and say that it isn't really there, and I am not really feeling what I feel.

It is a depression.

Plain and simple.

It has been brought on by a laundry list of things, some of which I write about... some of which I can't.

Depression is a difficult disease because it strikes when you are already low.... almost like a bully that kicks you when your down.

It creeps into my mind and my heart when I am alone--- and although I know I am never really alone... this disease makes me feel more isolated then ever.

I have chosen to forgo medication, because I have been down this road in life before. I didn't like who I was when I took medication-- so I am trying some other things. I am reaching out to friends and family more then ever and asking for what I need...

It is not that I don't agree with medication, it's just that for me right now it isn't an option.

I am still having great days that are filled with happiness... and excitement about moving and starting a new life at home, I am just lower then I would like some minutes or hours or days....

So.... I will work on this like I have worked on everything else.

I will push through and keep my head up.

All because of that beautiful girl who is sleeping so peacefully upstairs as I write this...

Just dismal.

Another week comes and goes and although I am empty, I am full at the same time.

I struggle with the anger and resentment that now lives in my heart.

At first, I had convinced myself that this "anger" would lessen and I would start to heal from it, but right now.... It is the same.

Not because of what he did, but because of the new problems that present themselves on a regular basis.

I feel like this will never end.

I think about things like Halloween, and how it is on his weekend-- and the argument that will come when I tell him that she will be here with me.

I think about her tears when I put her in her dad's car and how I can't explain to her that she will back in twenty seven hours....

I think about the tension and arguing that happens when he is around.

These things will never go away, This is my forever.

excuse me miss.

Lately, I have doubt in myself.

I am sure all of you reading this do as well.

There are days... so many of them, where I doubt my choices and most importantly I doubt my feelings.

Sometimes things seem so clear to me... almost like I can see the future.

I can see that we will be fine, I can see pure happiness in my life, I can see the life I always wanted happening for us

It's so real... It's so close.....

Then, the dark cloud of doubt sinks in.

Within minutes I can talk myself out of what I am feeling and thinking and convince myself that things will be complete and utter shit for the rest of my life.

How is this possible?

That I can feel so good some days and so "complete and utter shit" others.

I don't think I will ever know the answer.

Funny thing is, today is not one of the bad days.

I have pushed harder then ever this week.

I have made a lot of progress on things that were really hard for me to do, but i finished what I had to do, and I am on to the next step.

There is something that I have been reminding myself of a lot lately that my grandpa used to say to me;

"Never fight an ugly person, cause they got nothing to lose"

Remember, ugly isn't always on the outside.

It's called a rally for a reason.

I took some time off. Almost two weeks.

I had a reason.

My real estate agent came here on monday.

He had some not so nice things to say.

Mostly that I had a great deal of work to do, and that my house might not sell for the amount I originally thought.

When he left, I sat down and cried. I was overwhelmed with the amount of work that would need to be done, and that I was alone to deal with it.

Slowly I regained composure. Slowly my phone began to ring... with calls asking how it went.

I told each one of them the story.

Very quickly before I could even second guess myself.. a plan was put into place.

Family and friends were here around the clock from that night on.

I noticed through out this week that my family and friends don't ever say,

"let me know if you need anything" they say... "i will be there wednesday at 7"

Without being asked, without being promised favors, without anything.... they were here and I finally got it.

I am not alone.

I never was.

On Wednesday, I dropped apple off at home with my parents.

When I got back to my house the sign was up. (the for sale sign)

It took me to a new place.

I was messy.

I was miserable.

I was devastated.

I was doubting everything I thought I wanted.

I talked to a friend.... one who knows that sometimes I need to be told things harshly..

the words they said calmed me down.

With that I took one of the hardest nights head on.

I sat with one of my best friends and got rid of all the things of "us" I knew were in the house... and some that I had forgotten about.

We came across an email he had written to me at the beginning of our relationship, and like any girl would do.... I read it.

His words were so real, so true, so honest.... It is easy to see now, why I ended up where I did.

He told me the things that every person on earth wants to hear, that they will never be alone, and that nothing will ever come before "us" and that he could and would never love anyone more....

But that is all they were... just his words, years ago... that i believed in.

Words that I chose to believe in.

I realize now more than ever that it is the actions a person takes that are so much more important then the words they say.

Since that night, I have made great strides.

I have still had to push myself to see the bright sides of my choices... but the great part is they are there.

The bright side to my life shines everymorning at 7am... and everytime the phone rings to hear a friendly voice ... and everytime i pull into the city i call home.

I went to a physic a few weeks back with some friends.

She told me something that I think I instinctively already knew...

"everything you need in your life is already in your there"

I get it now.

I finally do.

She's got Green eyes.

I was one of those people that said that my relationship would always come before my child.

We had talked about that before apple came. That we would put each other first no matter what.

It doesn't happen that way, and news flash it shouldn't.

I believe we say these things to make ourselves think that we are invinciable as a couple, that nothing and no one can come between us.

I will tell you today and I will stand by this until the day I am gone from this world, that I put apple first. I did from day one.

For the first months of her life, I felt like she never slept.

It is so hard for me to explain what it was like in those first 6 months, but all I can tell you is I was tired.

I was always so tired.

It was broken sleep when I did get some, because I was always waiting, always worried, always aware of the cries that would shortly be coming.

She became my priority, She became what mattered.

I took on my new job full steam, never looking back.

I started a routine to get her to sleep.... and I was relentless. Some might have considered me crazy or anal, but I never cared. Like I said, I was just so tired.

The reason I am telling you this is because I have thought a lot about the why's lately.

I wonder a lot if it was this "priority" shift that I had that sent him elsewhere.

It's not that he stopped mattering, It's just that Apple mattered more.

I wanted to balance, but it was impossible at the time.

My life completely changed the day she came into it.

His did not.

He still had the time to go out on the weekends, and fly to vegas, and go to the gym at night.

It's not that he didn't "allow" me the same things, but I just wanted different things.

I wanted to get up early on Sundays with her and go for a walk, I wanted to spend Saturdays at Storybrook Gardens.... Don't let this be misleading, I love a good rip it up night... but they are just so much less important to me then they used to be.

So now, I do all those things I want and the great part is I do them with out anger or resentment.

I used to be upset that he would not want to go or be occupied with other things...

Now, it's just us.. doing things the way we want.

The other night, she wasn't sleeping well. I went up to sit with her for a bit and hold her...

I tell her the same things every night before she goes to bed.

"apple, you know we are going to be ok right?" and she'll say "yeah"

"apple, you know you are mummy's best girl right?" and she'll say "yeah"

"apple, mummy loves you" and she'll say "yeah"

this night however was different it was her that did the talking.

she took my face in her hands and said "good mama" and i said "yeah"

To begin, again.

More often then not these days, I am great again.

Recently I went to an event with some friends and a woman I don't well came up to me and said "you'd never know anything was wrong with you.... you carry yourself so well"

In the moment; I thanked her and walked away.

It got me thinking.... actually for weeks it got me thinking. I actually haven't stopped thinking about this comment since the moment it was said out loud.

Many times I wanted to email her and ask " what the hell did you mean by that?"

I think there is a misconception that I am some how "less of a person" than I was a year ago.

Maybe that because I will be a 32 year old divorced single mum, I should feel the need to hide out and to be say less unwilling to share this part of my life with people.

It's not that I don't feel the shame in this, or the embarrassment..

I do still, daily.

I feel like I failed my daughter.

I feel like I failed my parents and my grandparents.

I feel this yes, still daily.

I refuse to run from this, or hide away like I did something wrong but to tell you this next part may sound like I am doing just that.

I have decided that apple and I are going to move back to the city I am from.

We are going home.

I have spent weeks, if not months making this decision.

I did not take it lightly and weighed all of the pros and cons like any good girl with ocd would.

The pros....they far out weighed the cons.

For example:

a pro being my dad will pick up dog poo in my backyard

a con being my dad will will be over everyday to pick up the dog poo

It's a new chapter

It's a new adventure

It's re learning how to drive 35 in a posted 50 with out honking and giving the finger.

come back and haunt me.

I melted down last week. Worse then I would like to admit.

Her moving here.... it really started to get ahold of me. I thought I had gotten passed it, and it just stopped me dead in my tracks.

It hit Thursday night and lasted right through until Monday.

For the life of me I could not shake it. I couldn't call get a handle on myself.... and I 100% shut down.

I didn't answer the phone, I didn't call anyone, I didn't do anything.

I knew there were things that could get me out of the place I was in.

I chose not to do them.

For no other reason then I feel like my story is old--- I shouldn't care about this.

But I did... for those days nothing seemed worse to me then having her here in this city.

I figured out why I had gotten so upset originally, and from there I tried to find my way out of this mess.

You see the simple truth is...I am humiliated.

Not only did my husband have an affair for months on end, but he then proceeded to move her here---

(I know as some of you read this... you say to yourself "get over it" I can only tell you that until this happens to you, you will never ever have any idea of what this feels like---- my only advice to you, is if you don't like what you read, then please just stop reading)

On Tuesday of this week a reader made a comment on my blog that changed my humiliation into the most positive boost of energy I could have asked for. (thanks so much for the comment)

There were also a few great people who gave me the kick in the ass i needed to snap out of it.

Someone pretty smart said to me that "as long as your just taking side steps and not going backwards your going a good job"

So i'm back to this new normal place, where life looks good and I feel a lot like a girl i used to know, I just got stuck on a side step.

Not sort of like one, It was one.

Apple is getting another four teeth.

In a way I am grateful... she only has 6 and that is strange for a 17month old.

I had already made her a dentist apt to figure out if she was missing some of them.

Apple goes haywire when she gets teeth. She doesn't eat well, or nap well, most of the time she is up screaming in the middle of the night ... and gets up ridiculously early.

All and all its a nightmare.

To lighten the mood on Monday, I took her to the splash pad close to out house.

The first fifteen minutes were great, she was happy... I was happy. I even half ass attempted to talk to some of the other mothers that were there. Big step as normally, I just stand there with that deer caught in the headlights look.

I noticed one of them, the one with the biggest diamond i have ever seen checking my hand for my ring.

I adjusted my hand behind my back like I always do, but the shameful look on my face probably gives her the answer she was looking for.

Then the unthinkable happened.

A young boy stood on the water cannon that Apple wanted to. He was 7 or 8 and heavy set.

She attempted to push him away... but he was having none of it. He stood his ground and would not move. (at this point I am looking around at these other mothers thinking -- which ever one of you owns that one, go the hell over there and get him off that water cannon)

None of them moved.

At this point Apple dropped down on all fours and proceeded to scream. Not just the "mum i really want a freezie scream" the kind of scream that tells you she is getting four teeth and she wants to hurt this little boy.

I ran over to get her up and show her the other 75 water cannons going off... (and maybe kick this little boy) and as I bend down to pick her up something very horrific happens in a very short amount of time.

The water cannon from underneath me starts to go off.

I am paralyzed because within seconds water is shooting at a very powerful rate of speed up my shorts, through my underwear and yes up my ass.

It was not good.

In fact was so not good that I scream " What the Fu$k!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs.

(This is something Apple has heard several times believe me, I am in the process of teaching her earmuffs)

Now.... I see some movement from the other mothers.

Running to shield the children's ears from the profanity filled single mother at the splash pad who just got an enema.

I need to stop with the google search.

Apple's new thing is freezies. She loves them. She would eat an entire bag of them if i would let her. Which I don't. Ok, sometimes I go overboard... but not all the time.

Apple can't say freezie, instead of learning the word she goes up to the freezer and hammers her little fists against said freezer in a fit of rage.

Its actually really funny.

So a few days ago, I gave her my favorite flavor of freezie - white (due to its stainless feature)

after dinner while she was still in her high chair.

I used this opportunity to get the kitchen cleaned up from dinner and to eat my own dinner.

After about 5 minutes of being a neglectful parent, I noticed that Apple was being a bit rammy in her chair... more rammy and cranky then a child should be when they have a freezie.

So, I checked and the freezie was gone. Not just the white frozen part but the entire plastic part. I looked everywhere for the freezie wrapper, took off clothes, searched diaper, scoured the floor,rechecked the diaper, the highchair.... you get the point.

It was at this point I have convinced myself that Apple has eaten the plastic part in some sort of freezie feeding frenzy.

Quickly I google search "eating the plastic part to a freezie" then i realize i don't know the proper way to spell freezie (as you all probably noticed at the beginning of this blog)

So I change it to "eating plastic"---- bottom line-- not good.

So I get her up and put on fresh clothes and debate how I am going to call my parents to meet us at the hospital due to a freak freezie accident, and how my dad is going to scream at me.

Then by the grace of god, something catches my eye.... It's a very shinny spot on my dogs back...Well not shinny per say, but more like the way it looks when you don't rinse the shampoo out of your hair.

With a closer inspection, It is the freezie... both the white part and the plastic part... Which has dried in minutes and has attached itself to his fur.

As a negligent parent I also did not notice him spinning in circles trying to get the dame thing off his back.

And that is the story of the freezie and the dog fur.

Viva La Hova helped too.

Good with the bad this week, a lot has happened.

I never know how to start or what to say with some of this stuff.

So... here it goes.

She is moving here. (I actually have some doubt about the "is" part and I sort of think she already has been)

How do I feel about it?

Well...day one was hard. I was messy. I had a hard time figuring out why I was so upset ..If you don't want to be with someone anymore then why does it matter?

I spent a lot of the day thinking about this and came to some pretty amazing conclusions.

Bottom line , I am not ready to have her around my daughter. I am not yet at a place where I can be "OK" with them meeting or being around each other.

So how when I do not trust him, do I trust the fact that he won't betray me again?

I don't know the answer to this yet... but I am working on it.

Secondly, I don't feel ready to see her. Here is why....

I want to be in a place where I do not yell or scream or swear at her. I want to be the girl I know I am. I want to be the bigger person.

Right now I am not that person.

I am angry with her, for all the reasons that you can already imagine and some you could probably never understand.

I spent the day and night coming to terms with how I felt and why.

To be honest it was a relief not be crying over the loss of him.

I reached out to a friend late that night, and they said something that I will never ever forget:

"why fear seeing the two of them holding hands walking around the city?

just remember who's hand you'll be holding"

It's funny... So many people told me that it would never work between them...

Let's be honest, I can't name one person that didn't say that to me.

But I knew in my heart since he walked out the door that he would do everything in his power to make it work with her... and it has.

Good for them? Well... sort of.

I am glad that I get this opportunity to change the course of my life.

Looking back we were on his course, not mine-

Now- I am making choices for Apple and I on a daily basis that make us happy and safe.

I am in control again, and it feels good.

Just as an FYI,

Day two was awesome... I saw a lot of my favorite people and had a blast.

Day three was great enjoyed a girls day with apple.

Day four... even better.....

I'm getting better at this aren't I?

Got a funny blog tomorrow for you all about freezes and dog fur.

when the night comes.

My hardest part of a day is after 8 when apple is in bed. It is unavoidable.

There is something about the silence in this house that makes me crazy. The loneliness is something that I have still not come to terms with.

This weekend was unavoidable as well. Apple's dad had asked to take her for some extra time... normally he takes her on Saturday mornings until Sundays at noon. (every other weekend)

He picked her up on Friday morning... and she arrives shortly after dinner tonight.

This is the longest that I have been separated from her. This is the longest period of time I have gone with out seeing her beautiful face, and hearing her laugh.

I have come to terms with the facts.

The reality is that I need a break. The second part of the of this reality is that this is what my life looks like now. I have to get used to this.

I attempt to busy myself with time with friends and family, and with projects and work... but it never really feels the same with out her.

I am constantly feeling like someone cut my arm off.

Let's just say I am a work in progress.

The great thing that I did this weekend was steam cleaning the carpets.

Yes, I said that.

Apple had quite a barfy night last Sunday... and i had cleaned the carpets.. but lets just say that I did not realize how disgusting the carpets had actually become until i saw the difference between the barf spot that I cleaned up and the rest of the carpet.

So because I am stubborn and refuse to ask for help, I ended up lifting a 700lb couch on my own...Not the smartest idea today as I can barely feel my arms, and every time I attempt to sit down my legs scream in pain. (yes that includes when I have to go to the bathroom.... so i have cut myself off liquids for the rest of the day in an effort to reduce the sitting)

But I got it done on my own.... which again, is a little victory for me.

Apple will be back in my arms in about in an hour.

Another little(big) victory.

goodbye for you and i.

To You, 

I often wonder how you remember me. 

I wonder if it is the begining the middle or the end. Or a cross all three. 

The begining is a story I thought we would tell our daughter, and her children and they would laugh and laugh about how you got so sick the first time you ever stayed over. 

I remember so much about that period. I thought we would tell them all about how I was the only girl that ever made you laugh. Do you remember when you told me that?

We were at my apartment before you moved in, and we couldn't stop laughing, and you looked at me and told me that you loved me for the first time. 

It meant everything then. 

The middle was filled with love to, our first house, our engagement, planning our wedding. It is a time in my life when i felt the most safe. I always felt that it was you and I against the world. 

I remember you did too. There was so much ahead of us then... we took it all head on, together laughing the whole time. 

When our daughter was born I felt as though we were finally complete, I felt as though this was "it"... for the rest of our lives there would be the three of us. 

But six short months after she was born you were so far gone that I knew that you were never coming back. Not the you that I knew. 

This part, this was our end. 

The last year is the part I wish that I could forget, the part that I wish you could forget too. 

I don't want you to remember me the way I was then.

I was not me. 

I was so lost, and so alone. I would have done anything to get you to come back to us. 

I thought it was the only way I could survive. 

It was almost like I forgot how to breathe if you were not standing by my side. 

There are somethings that I want to forget, but there are other things that push me to survive. They remind me why I am better off now. 

You left me. 

You left our daughter. 

You left me laying on the floor of our home, with our daughter crawling on the floor behind me. 

You left me for my friends to find me hours later laying there , incoherent, barely able to breathe, and unable to care for our child. 

You left me... that same girl that made you laugh, that same girl who you made your lunches and got your towel for you when you showered..... like that. 

Like I was nothing. 

I will never forgive you for that. 

You have told me that I deserved better. 

You are right. I did. So did you. 

We all did. 

I know now, more than ever you think you did the right thing for you.  

I can tell you now that it was the right thing for me too. 

I am ok now. 

We both are. 

My hope for you is that you find some sort of peace in your life, that you find the strength to do the right things, and that most of all you find what ever it is you were looking for. 

I do, truly hope you are happy. 

M. 

It happened.

It's a process. 

I tell myself that every minute of every day. 

It's a process. 

Things change, people change, feelings and emotions change. 

I have changed. 

I am not the same person I was a few months ago, or a few years ago. 

This whole thing has changed me. 

Not everything. But a lot of really important things. 

I remember that I was always nervous, I was anxious all the time at one point I took medication for it. 

I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always waiting for "it" to happen. 

Well, "it" did. 

It happened, and I lived through it. 

I am no longer nervous, I am no longer scared....I'm not actually just letting each day pass me by. I am living it--happily living it. 

I look back at the last few months and realize that my path here was riddeled in mistakes and bull shit. I have some regrets, but most of all I am looking at everything I did as a way to get where I am today. I am proud of apple and I. 

I feel like we are rounding this corner... and all I can see ahead is the good stuff. 

Today is my birthday, and I am 32 years old. If I am realisitic about this--- I have had the best year of my life. 

I gave birth to my daughter, who I love more than anything in this world. 

I found a career, that I am so excited about and love-- and that I am good at. 

I got closer to my family.

I got closer to old friends. 

I got closer to new friends. 

I lived through hell, and came out the other side smiling. 

Who gets this lucky in life? 

I know I didn't get here alone. 

So Thank You, for your love, your calls, your strength and your patience. 

I owe a lot of you more than you will ever know. 

I will be posting a pretty tough blog in the next few days that I have been working on for 2 months and 15 days. 

When you read it, Please remember todays blog. 

 

what a weekend.

Just winding down from an amazing weekend.

Apple was left with my parents here at my house and i broke free for 2 straight days of fun with my girlfriends from high school for a wedding 

Using the word girlfriends is totally inaccurate to describe them actually, they are my best friends---- 15 years of ups and downs.... we have seen it all together, one of them even married my brother... Also in attendance were some new friends that I have met over the last month or so making the weekend even better.

The entire weekend was filled with those laughing fits where you start crying because it hurts so much, and with dancing... a whole lot of dancing. 

It was great to let go and enjoy myself with people that with one look at me know exactly what i am thinking. 

I gave a speech at the wedding... which went over well, and the minute i sat down, two things came to mind-- 

I did this, I came to this wedding very happily with no thought of "how am i going to get through this?"or "i can't do this alone"

Secondly it came to me that I was so happy for my friend, I was so overwhelmed looking at the two of them sitting up at the front of the room... just beaming at each other. It made me remember that love is still out there. 

Love didn't die the day he walked out the door. 

I can tell you that this was one of those things in my life i will look back on and always remember as something that brought me one step closer to being whole again. 

stupid or not stupid socks.

I used to like coming home to tell him about the deal I had got, or the crazy thing that happened to me while I was out.  I miss having someone here when I walk in the door. 

I know that I have someone(the most important little someone in the world), but since apples conversations with me consist of the words dog, cat, kitty, hi, bye, potty,no, done and mama.... she doesn't really get it. 

It's these small but huge things that upset me.

Today I bought apple some Canada Day socks, and I realized as I pulled in the driveway that I had no one to tell. 

It is a totally unimportant thing, that in the grand scheme of things... should never matter. 

Who gives a shit about Canada Day socks? 

Well, I guess I do. 

To level out.

Sorry, It has been awhile. 

No excuses.... just had a lot on the go. Good and Bad. But both important. 

Apple is thriving right now. She is getting to be such a big girl. Her words are coming along nicely, and she had her first poop on the potty. (yes i know that is totally gross... but come on, she is doing so well)

We have been doing a lot of activities during our days, and I can see a real change in her lately. She is really starting to understand things on a whole new level. She asks me for things now... like uce? uce? which is juice. It is pretty awesome to be able to still be at home with her. I feel so lucky for that. 

We have a great thing going the two of us. It's like the song says...."everything she knows i taught her"

As for me.... well I have procrastinated on the blog for a bit because I was unsure what I should and shouldn't say.  I then had a lightbulb moment.

This is my blog. 

This is where I write to sort stuff out and try to come to terms with all this.

This is where my family and friends check in on me... so i do not receive the dreaded..."how are you doing today?    no really, though... how are you..." phone call. 

This is where I go to see my progress in the last 6 months. 

This blog is me. 

The last 30 days have been filled with great things for me. 

I have put my thoughts into action and have opened my own small business. 

After taking my photography course-- and realizing that it was something that I loved.... I have decided to do it professionally. So far It has gone really well. I still have a long way to go, but I am highly dedicated to making this work.... for myself and for apple. 

It is not something I ever would have thought of doing, but now I could not imagine doing anything else. 

It is a great feeling to realize your potential and actually move forward with it. 

Dougie will be so proud.

Emotionally I have had a lot of highs and lows in the last week. 

It's 100% something that I am working on. To level out, and see if I can make the bad times shorter and get on some sort of even keel. 

It's hard, but I have found an amazing amount of support in the strangest places. 

Still some how.

I wish that I could draw a line in my life, a line that would divide the past from the future. A line that would make all of the messy stuff stay in the past and away from my thoughts. 

I am learning though that no such line exists. 

This is a very complicated process. It changes and evolves with each day, and because of that you must change and evolve with it. 

It is more then just him, apple and I. It is a huge circle of family and friends that have been effected by this. At this point, you watch these relationships evolve and change as well.... 

but we all move forward knowing that you can only do what works for each day-- and even then it might not ever be the same. 

I live with the words of my father in my head at all times. He has always said the following....

"there is a certain amount of shit in life you will have to eat.... but it doesn't mean you can't walk around the corner and spit it out"

Remember that....it can take you a long way. 

When it hits to close to home.

I don't think any of us out there are ever prepared for those dreaded phone calls from a friend tell us bad news.
I got a call on Monday from one of my favorite people on the planet. He has been a friend for a long time, someone that has always brought a smile to my face.
He has remained friends with both fh and I, through out all this-- he made it clear to me in the very beginning that although he did not agree with what fh had done, he would remain a friend.... because friends are with us through the bad and the good.
I respected him for doing that, and still do today.

This is a guy who has a job that takes him on the road a lot, But he still manages to call me weekly, if not twice weekly ... to make me laugh, or to help me through a bad day.... most of all he calls to check on apple and I and make sure we are ok.

His phone call was heart breaking. He is now in a situation similar to mine.
I watched my knuckles turn white when he told me, I felt the blood rush from my head, and had to sit myself down to take it all in.

When we hung up, I sobbed for him.
Knowing the pain and heartache he feels, knowing that things like this should not happen to people like us.
Knowing what it feels like to be told in that very simple way "I'm sorry I did not mean for this to happen, It just did.... You don't understand... I'm sorry"
Knowing every thought that races through your mind in the months to come are enough to make anyone crazy.
Knowing that you could ask 1000 questions, and you will never ever get the answer that you want.
Knowing that coming back from something like this can seem impossible.

Tonight when I said to him " I wonder why the good people get left behind?"
He replied.."Well if all the good people are getting left behind... I guess that means all the douche bags are up ahead-- and that's a good thing"

Something tells me he is going to be just fine.

better days.

Love looks a lot different then it used to.

It is no longer a word that I throw around easily. It is an emotion that I feel on a daily basis from the most unexpected places.
I'll explain....
A few weeks ago at a close friends birthday party, I watched as couple after couple trailed into the restaurant. I immediately knew I was going to be the lonely rider at the end of the table... I excused myself and went to the washroom, and when I came back... my friends had moved things around so i would be surrounded by others. not alone at the end of the table.
that is love.
On mothers day my neighbour friend stoped by with a gift a hug, and some amazing words of encouragement for me.
that is love.
One of my guy friends stoped by on saturday morning at 745am, with a coffee and a donut.
that is love.
The phone calls I get from my friends, not to ask "how's it going" but to tell me to "keep going"
that is love.

The way my daughter calls for me in the morning, and gives me the biggest smile in the world.
that is love.

This love is what keeps my head up. I at times feel like I am draining all of you that read this, because i know how hard it must be to know that I am still struggling....
But I still need to do this to get better.

I get angry a lot now, thinking of how he could be doing this differently or "better" in my eyes.
I have come to the conclusion that this is the best he can do at this point in his life.
To be totally honest with you, It is not good enough for me-- and that is ok. I expect the best when it comes to apple... actually I expect better then the best, I expect perfection. She deserves that.
I can't tell you how disappointed I am today, that he didn't take the extra time with apple this weekend. He should have, and that is all I can say. Nothing in this world should come before apple... nothing, and no one.
Tell me how this is going to get easier... when I feel like I am constantly going to be cleaning up his mess.