We had talked about that before apple came. That we would put each other first no matter what.
It doesn't happen that way, and news flash it shouldn't.
I believe we say these things to make ourselves think that we are invinciable as a couple, that nothing and no one can come between us.
I will tell you today and I will stand by this until the day I am gone from this world, that I put apple first. I did from day one.
For the first months of her life, I felt like she never slept.
It is so hard for me to explain what it was like in those first 6 months, but all I can tell you is I was tired.
I was always so tired.
It was broken sleep when I did get some, because I was always waiting, always worried, always aware of the cries that would shortly be coming.
She became my priority, She became what mattered.
I took on my new job full steam, never looking back.
I started a routine to get her to sleep.... and I was relentless. Some might have considered me crazy or anal, but I never cared. Like I said, I was just so tired.
The reason I am telling you this is because I have thought a lot about the why's lately.
I wonder a lot if it was this "priority" shift that I had that sent him elsewhere.
It's not that he stopped mattering, It's just that Apple mattered more.
I wanted to balance, but it was impossible at the time.
My life completely changed the day she came into it.
His did not.
He still had the time to go out on the weekends, and fly to vegas, and go to the gym at night.
It's not that he didn't "allow" me the same things, but I just wanted different things.
I wanted to get up early on Sundays with her and go for a walk, I wanted to spend Saturdays at Storybrook Gardens.... Don't let this be misleading, I love a good rip it up night... but they are just so much less important to me then they used to be.
So now, I do all those things I want and the great part is I do them with out anger or resentment.
I used to be upset that he would not want to go or be occupied with other things...
Now, it's just us.. doing things the way we want.
The other night, she wasn't sleeping well. I went up to sit with her for a bit and hold her...
I tell her the same things every night before she goes to bed.
"apple, you know we are going to be ok right?" and she'll say "yeah"
"apple, you know you are mummy's best girl right?" and she'll say "yeah"
"apple, mummy loves you" and she'll say "yeah"
this night however was different it was her that did the talking.
she took my face in her hands and said "good mama" and i said "yeah"
