It is the look back that will send you into complete and utter hysteria.
You know the one.
When someone is walking away and you don't know when or how they will return.
They look back one last time.
And a piece of you cracks inside.
My dad looked back.
He walked closely behind my mother but stopped before he rounded the corner.
He looked at me.
I mouthed.... "I love you" one last time as if it might make the difference.
Then I was alone.
In a room full of sorrow... I was alone.
That silence that I fear so much crept into my brain.
Words I had heard before ran threw my mind... "No one is coming to save you..."
It got louder and louder.
It filled my mind.
I held the arms of the chair.
I had to get up and I had to move
So I went to get a coffee....
That's when this day takes the kind of turn only I can tell you about.
I stood in a line a mile long to get a coffee and a croissant.
My mind was racing.
My mouth didn't move right when I ordered. She asked me again and again... "What do you need??"
I got my debit card out and swiped.
Instantly I was declined.
We tried again.
Then again.
It wouldn't work.
The same lady who barked at me now looked at me with contempt..... "It won't work"...
I said "Obviously there is a problem with your chip reader"
"What?"
"I work here... I point at the debit card"....."I work here, I have money" ---- I did not say this quietly.
I wanted everyone to hear me.
I let this be my focus.
I noted the kind eyes in the man behind me.
Like he had been in this situation before.
"Seriously, here is my mastercard... it'll be fine...." as I smile at the crowd around me.
"Mam... we don't take mastercard"
"Where is a bank machine, because like I said I have money in this"----pointing to the bank card again..
"Over there Mam...." pointing without looking at me...
I wanted to die.
But I hauled ass to that bank machine and I punched my pin hoping everyone was watching me.
I got money out.
I ran back over with the money and the receipt incase anyone might want to check.
I waved it... to show everyone
She quietly told me that the gentleman behind me had already paid.
I looked around quickly and spotted him.
I started to explain and he said "It's ok".... It is Christmas after all... he quietly explained.
We walked in the same direction.
I wanted to tell him how scared I was.
I wanted to tell him what was really wrong.
But I had learned my lesson earlier this year about going down that road.
We walked to the same area, and I said "Thank you" again and he walked into the area my Dad would be waiting in.
I looked at the door and it sunk in quickly.
The man who had just bought my coffee was my father's doctor.
Now all I could do was wait.
I drank my coffee and prayed for that man to do two good things today.
I looked around the room, at people younger and older than me feeling the same way I was.
Now maybe more than ever understanding I won't be saved, but I am never alone.
They walked out shortly after that.
She got to me before he did.
Her eyes told me nothing.... but the instant hug she gave me did.
"It's ok now, he's going to be ok"
I felt my legs shake.
But I remained strong.
The words I have needed had finally been said out loud.
I listened to him make his appointment.
His body was nervous and jumpy.
As soon as it was done, he walked quickly over to us and held her.
And then they kissed.
Not "passionately" but enough for me to turn away.
He looked at me after and said "Its over Meg, Its what we wanted"
Everything I had been holding onto for a year felt like it rushed from my body and into the air.
I gripped him.
Tightly.
I did not want to let go.
I touched his face as our hug ended and I truly thanked god.
That I would have him for another day.
For many days.
So much of this year has been about this day and what it would bring.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and as you all spend time with your families, I want to remind you of something.
No matter what.... Be grateful, Be happy and Enjoy.
I look at these next few days as a gift.
I begged for this, I prayed for this and I got exactly what I wanted.
I go to bed tonight grateful and thankful.
