Something happened way back in the middle of October that paralyzed me.
I heard her name out of my little girls mouth.
It happened so quickly and with such innocence in our nightly bath.... but it blindsided me and sent me in to a place i wish to never return to.
It happened on a Sunday night, after she had just gotten home from a visit at her dads.
She told me stories of the weekend with a big smile on her face.
Told me about the fun they had, and the games they played and told me about her.
I was caught off guard but attempted to keep my face smiling even though the bile was in my mouth. I could not escape the situation or get away.
So i grinned and listened and told her how great it all sounded.
As I dried my beautiful little girl and put her cream on her I could only imagine that "someone else" was doing it when I was not.
In that moment I wanted to scream at Apple. I wanted to tell her what they had done to me. I wanted her to know what kind of person this was and what they were capable of.
I put her to bed and as we said our good nights I held her extra tight
"are you ok moma?" "you sad?" her little man voice asked me....
"yes baby moma is fine...."
That night was long and sleepless.
So were the next weeks.
The images that were always in the back of my mind had now become a reality.
I had been able to fool myself this entire time not letting the thoughts of her with my daughter ever become real.
But there I was.
It had become real.
I am a very high functioning depressed person.
Although as I have said before I push people away, I have learned that the more I take on and the more I busy myself the less room there is for "reality" in my brain.
October and November are a blur.
It was not until close to the end of November I finally called my councilor.
We talked about how I was feeling and what techniques I could use to feel better, but then I got real with her. I did not need to learn how to breath deeply.. I needed to get this bullshit out of my brain.
My real problem was having my child like or maybe love this woman.
My real problem was thinking of them playing house with Apple.
My real problem was the fear of someone being better than me.
That was it.
That was the route of the problem.
In my brain still somewhere, I had convinced myself that this woman was better than me because she was the one living with the man that I had married.
So what if... this little girl of mine wanted her over me as well.
It was haunting. Even typing it makes me feel sick.
As the weeks turned to into months... and the pain was still as fresh as that day in October we would again.... end up talking about the other woman in the bathtub.
This time it was early December.
As I was drying off Apple she said her name again, I must have winced..... because the next thing out of Apples mouth was " No mummy you're the greatest" *( i will explain the greatest game later)
I was stunned.
The bile was there again.
This time for another reason.
How was it possible that without a single negative word about this woman that Apple would say something like that?
It was simple, she could see the pain. She had probably been feeling it since that night in October.
That was enough. That was it.
When I put her to bed that night I told her how much I loved her, and we said goodnight to everyone we love like we always do.
But this time I said her name-- I said it, just in case Apple was afraid too.
I sat that night and thought about it a lot more rationally than ever before.
Apple and I are lucky.
It seems to me, that this woman loves her and cares for her.
The alternative to this would be horrible. I can not imagine having to worry every time Apple was to go to her dads that someone would be cruel to her.
We are lucky...
It was late December when Apple got sick.
She woke up from a normal Wednesday nap and was miserable.
Her dad was coming to take her out to dinner that night... so I got her ready and off they went.
About 35mintues into the visit I got a phone call telling me that she wanted to come home.
As I stood in the doorway waiting it occurred to me that it must be painful for him to know that I am who she wants.
As Oprah would say "light bulb moment".
I am who she wants.
She came in the door and we hugged for what seemed like hours. He stood there, recapping the last 35minutes and her eyes never left mine.
"moma" she repeated over and over again. I rocked her back and fourth and told her again again that she was home.
I got it.
I get it.
Over the next few weeks we would take turns being sick, her with ear infections, colds and maybe a touch of the flu and myself a cold that led to pneumonia.
But I can officially say that we are both back to normal in every way possible.
I have so many amazing stories to share over the next few weeks. Some that will make you laugh and I am sure some that will make you cry.....
So keep checking in.
Thank you for your patience with me, your kind words sent to me and all of your love and support.
*the greatest game is a game my dad and I play with her.. we ask her "who's the greatest" and normally she will say the opposite name of the person who asked her... we act all heart broken when she doesn't say us... in hindsight probably not the greatest game ever created.
