I'm going to need hearing aids later in life.

All day long, my day is filled with the following sounds...

Apple crying, screaming, yelling, talking, laughing...

Apple throwing, dumping, ripping toys in and out of bins....

the dog and his non stop pacing, barking and whining...

the cat and her non stop indy 500 race around the house..

the phone ringing...

the washing machine running...

the dryer buzzing....

the dishwasher hissing...

the tap dripping...

the tv and its quiet show, then louder then the listed above commercial...

It is enough to drive a sane person crazy.

There are days when I walk away from it all..go into my bathroom, sit on the edge of my bathtub and cry.

Sometimes I just want it all to stop.

I just want some peace. Well, that's what I tell myself.

But as I walk down stairs each night at 8pm, I am surrounded by the deafening silence that has become my world.

I tend to isolate myself at this time at night, mostly because I know that people are putting there kids to bed or trying to unwind after a long day.

People are all around me... being families.

I am being a family too, just alone.

I remember when she was so small, I would pray that she would just keep sleeping and I would get one full nights rest.

Now, I run up those same steps at the first sign of any action on the baby monitor.

Willing to break all of my old rules, just for the company of my best girl on my lap for one more minute of the day.

time and time again.

Like I said the other day, I don't believe that time heals all wounds.

I feel like for the longest time I was living in a haze. Unable to see my own reality clearly.

Some of that was because of what he would say. He could never tell me that he was happy with his choice, he could never fully say that this was what he really wanted, he could never just tell me he wasn't coming home.

I hung on every word that he said, trying to carefully decipher each statement. Reading into something as small as "maybe" and something so huge as early renewing our mortgage... together, as if nothing had changed.

I wouldn't explain this to my friends and family because I thought "they don't know us"; "they would never understand"

But all along it was me that wasn't understanding.

So the question remains... what changed?

How did I get from not understanding to the place I am standing steady at today?

Well, I opened my eyes for one thing.

I began to understand that for what ever reason it was going to have to be me that made the choice for all of us.

It was me that would have to find the end to all this.

Yes, he had clearly made his choice to leave this house and start a new life with someone else, but with hope still lingering from his words to my heart... I held on tightly.

Until one day I didn't anymore.

Yes, I know the exact date.

On that day I stated something that I had not done in months... I focused on apple, on myself, on friends that needed me and on a family that loved me.

Loss is a funny thing. A friend of mine once said..."loss is loss, doesn't matter if they are gone from this world or gone from your life= they are gone, and you have to mourn"

So that is what I have done, and what I will continue to do.... mourn.

Until one day I don't.

Those were the days.

I am home safe and sound, and glad to be back in my reality.

It was an amazing trip, with a lot of great opportunity's to see and do some great things.

But, there is nothing like coming home.

The last few hours of travel just about killed me.

All I could think of was getting home to my best girl and holding on to her as tight as possible.

Which I did.

For the next two days.

She got a little sick of me by day three.

Well I was there, I soaked in every detail... I ate pretzels on the street with an obscene amount of mustard and smelled the hot grossness bum who threw matches at people passing by him, I hit time square... where I thought I got pick pocketed and ran the forty minute walk back to my hotel in 13 minutes in four inch heals to find my wallet on my bed... left by there by the giant dork who assumed she would get pick pocketed in time square. (ohhh the giant dork is me)

I couldn't help but think of my previous trips to nyc... and how different life looks now.

How much I have changed in just one short year still baffles my mind on a daily basis.

But I did.

I heard over and over again that "time would heal all wounds", to me though.... that's complete and utter shit...

you can go on and on and on doing the wrong things from now and until the end of time and you will not be healed.

It's not until I started doing the right things for myself that things started to change.

What were the right things?

More on that tomorrow.

Right now, It's late and I still have a huge amount of photo editing to do.

Next trip is in January... hopefully I can catch a Nets game.

If your laughing about that... then you know me all to well.

It's what he says so well.

So some big news....

I leave for New York for a few days next week. It's a trip that I have been dreaming about for some time--- but did not think that it would become a reality, but it has and I am going to make the most out of my time there.

I am nervous and excited all at the same time.

Mostly because a guy that I dream about meeting on a daily basis says things like this about the city;
"In New York,

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
Theres nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you"

Do I have the idea that these three days will be life changing?

Well, yes they could be... because this is yet another thing I have to fight like hell to force myself to do.

Its a push to take time away from apple take time for myself--

time to regain control--

time to sort some things out---

time to plan what's next--

time to remember what it's like to leave the house without a sippy cup, goldfish crackers,diapers,wipes,a plastic cow,tyrone from the backyardigans and aunt mel's old cell phone in my purse.

Oh, that guy I think about meeting on a daily basis?

That would be Jay Z.

If you have to ask me why then I think we might have a huge problem.

Of that I'm sure.

As my beautiful girl sleeps upstairs.... I breathe easier.

Our time away from each other, although necessary is often something that can push me into a not so great place.

I fill my time wisely these days--because to me... there is a huge difference between "filling" my time-- and "killing" time.

After seeing this more clearly over the last few months.... and using my time away from apple as time for myself... I realized that I needed to start applying this theory to the rest of my life.

Instead of just rushing through days so I can get to the next one, I attempting to slow down my life and start being happy now... and not wishing ahead time so i can get to the next thing coming up.

There is too much good right now that I am missing out on.

In the next few months I have so much to be excited about and so much to look forward to... but it is on me, and me only to chose to be excited and happy about all of it.

The things we don't say.

I think it is probably pretty obvious that I have been in a dark frame of mind from the last few posts I have written.

The thing is, I hide from the truth of what is inside me.

I tend to lie to myself and say that it isn't really there, and I am not really feeling what I feel.

It is a depression.

Plain and simple.

It has been brought on by a laundry list of things, some of which I write about... some of which I can't.

Depression is a difficult disease because it strikes when you are already low.... almost like a bully that kicks you when your down.

It creeps into my mind and my heart when I am alone--- and although I know I am never really alone... this disease makes me feel more isolated then ever.

I have chosen to forgo medication, because I have been down this road in life before. I didn't like who I was when I took medication-- so I am trying some other things. I am reaching out to friends and family more then ever and asking for what I need...

It is not that I don't agree with medication, it's just that for me right now it isn't an option.

I am still having great days that are filled with happiness... and excitement about moving and starting a new life at home, I am just lower then I would like some minutes or hours or days....

So.... I will work on this like I have worked on everything else.

I will push through and keep my head up.

All because of that beautiful girl who is sleeping so peacefully upstairs as I write this...