To You,
I often wonder how you remember me.
I wonder if it is the begining the middle or the end. Or a cross all three.
The begining is a story I thought we would tell our daughter, and her children and they would laugh and laugh about how you got so sick the first time you ever stayed over.
I remember so much about that period. I thought we would tell them all about how I was the only girl that ever made you laugh. Do you remember when you told me that?
We were at my apartment before you moved in, and we couldn't stop laughing, and you looked at me and told me that you loved me for the first time.
It meant everything then.
The middle was filled with love to, our first house, our engagement, planning our wedding. It is a time in my life when i felt the most safe. I always felt that it was you and I against the world.
I remember you did too. There was so much ahead of us then... we took it all head on, together laughing the whole time.
When our daughter was born I felt as though we were finally complete, I felt as though this was "it"... for the rest of our lives there would be the three of us.
But six short months after she was born you were so far gone that I knew that you were never coming back. Not the you that I knew.
This part, this was our end.
The last year is the part I wish that I could forget, the part that I wish you could forget too.
I don't want you to remember me the way I was then.
I was not me.
I was so lost, and so alone. I would have done anything to get you to come back to us.
I thought it was the only way I could survive.
It was almost like I forgot how to breathe if you were not standing by my side.
There are somethings that I want to forget, but there are other things that push me to survive. They remind me why I am better off now.
You left me.
You left our daughter.
You left me laying on the floor of our home, with our daughter crawling on the floor behind me.
You left me for my friends to find me hours later laying there , incoherent, barely able to breathe, and unable to care for our child.
You left me... that same girl that made you laugh, that same girl who you made your lunches and got your towel for you when you showered..... like that.
Like I was nothing.
I will never forgive you for that.
You have told me that I deserved better.
You are right. I did. So did you.
We all did.
I know now, more than ever you think you did the right thing for you.
I can tell you now that it was the right thing for me too.
I am ok now.
We both are.
My hope for you is that you find some sort of peace in your life, that you find the strength to do the right things, and that most of all you find what ever it is you were looking for.
I do, truly hope you are happy.
M.
