I was in my car after work when I was jolted back to reality.
My first thoughts were of Apple..
Had I forgot to pick her up? Where was she?
Quickly I remembered it was Wednesday and she was with her father.
Then, I had some explaining to do. The man that runs my parking garage was staring at me through the window.
Instead of rolling down the window like a normal person, I opened the door with such force that it made him jump backwards.
He didn't say a word.
But I did.
I began to explain why I was sitting in the car crying.
I told him about my Dad.
I told him my Dad had prostate cancer, and I was scared.
He just stood there.
I thought I should continue.
I told him I wasn't normally like this and how strong I was.
But that it's my dad.
I went into great detail about how close we were.
I explained how I talk to him everyday, and that if he hasn't heard from me by lunch.. he'll txt me, but how he doesn't really "get" txting and that sometimes he just txt's "?" or "ng" or "w"
When I finally took a breath he asked me a very simple question
"Was it you who dumped a coffee all over the floor this morning?"
"NO... uh, it wasn't"
Even though it totally was.
(I was trying to balance both of my coffees, talk on the phone and put my mitts on at the same time... )
He stared at me.
I stared back.
He walked backwards away from me. Slowly.
As though at any moment I may start to tell him more about my life.
I got back in the car.
It always hits my like this....
How long have I been like this?
How did I become so numb without feeling it happening...
When was the last time I was o.k?
I spent the next hour scrambling to remember the last few weeks.
Trying to piece together what had happened and how I let it get this bad.
It comes to me in waves, as though my brain is being kind to me because I wouldn't be able to deal with it all at once.
She rushed in the door like a storm shortly after.
I felt the blood rush back to my body, and the strength return to my brain.
I am always stronger when she is with me.
But tonight as I sit here alone I can no longer compartmentalize the pain.
I can't pretend like this isn't happening.
His diagnosis has hit me like nothing else ever has.
My parents are a lot of things to a lot of people.
But to me they are everything.
A life without either one of them is not something I have ever imagined.
A long time ago, I wrote about a day that everything changed.
A day that I started to heal.
It was him.
It was my Dad.
Well, really it was both my Mum and Dad.....
But It would be the pain in his face as he looked at me that would turn my sadness into an anger that I had never felt before.
An anger that would carry me for the next year, until I was ready to let go....
I would later learn that he had told those around him
"Just wait until she gets mad..."
Like he knew all along that is all I would need.
But my anger can't fix it this time....and it's killing me.
I would do anything in this world to take this away from him.
Anything.
But I can't.
That devastates me.
My relationships with my parents are equally special.
My Mum, is without a doubt the strongest person I know. She is the glue that has always held us together. She is so perfect in my eyes, it is hard for me to imagine I am her daughter.
My Dad, is the reason I'm funny.
He's the reason I have to keep going even on my worst days, he pushes me probably without even knowing to be patient, kind, and balanced.
My parents are the most amazing people I know.
When I am at worst, they are beside me.
When I am at my best, they step back and let me enjoy it.
All I can do now is hope and pray for the best and that feels painful.
Please do the same for both of them.
