It has taken me two solid weeks to write and re write the words to this post.
I would write then delete, then undo then undo the undo.
It felt harsh and cold, which is not where I am today in my heart... but it is the reality in which I live.
With christmas around the corner the push and pull of where we go is ever present.
We are back and fourth from that place we call home 3 or 4 times in the next week or so.
Trying to arrange drop offs and pick ups can be overwhelming on the best of days, but during the holidays it often feels more stressful.
A part of me hates that this is how our life is, but another part is so glad that she will never know any different.
He will always have her on boxing day, that won't ever change. That is his christmas day with Apple, mine is Christmas eve and Christmas day.
It had been decided 8 months ago, and it is understood how our holidays and birthdays work.
There was no arguing when it was decided. Just acceptance on both sides that this is the way it was going to be.
I respect him for that.
As much as it must hurt to not see her on Christmas day, I believe that it is something that he feels he could give to me in an effort to make things right.
Last year Christmas was a blur. I don't really remember most of it to be honest. I know where I was and I know what I did... but I wasn't really there.
I am crazy excited about the holidays this year. I can't wait t
o see her face when she opens up her presents. (she has had some practice--- she thought it would be a good idea to open up a gift or two early last week)
I can't wait to watch her in her jammies that match her cousins.
I can't wait to watch her dance with excitement when she likes her presents.
I can't wait to see her smile her big smile... the one she gives me when she is in love with the world around her.
Although there are hardships being a single parent.... there is good stuff that people don't tell you.
There is something to be said for knowing that everyday until she has her own family;
She will wake up with me on christmas day and we will smile those big smiles at each other.... and understand each other like only her and I can....
The happiness that this girl brings me is the best gift I have ever been given.
Merry Christmas from Apple and I.
xo
(one more post before christmas coming at some point in the next 2 days; I had to break todays post into 2)
