After a visit to my therapist on Tuesday I searched for answers.
I looked deeper then before.
Deeper than I wanted to.
I am the kind of person who can deflect any question or any comment into a joke.
I avoid dealing with my emotions and feelings although they always feel like they are right there at the surface... ready to come out.
On Tuesday we talked a lot about why.
I used to think it was because I was afraid of how people around me would react,
now after a lot of thought, I think it is just the opposite.
I am actually afraid of how I will react to the emotion.
Of actually admitting the real way I feel... Of actually feeling the emotion, letting it get a hold of me and losing some control.
I know why it changed, that is easy.
I started to shut down what I was feeling so it wouldn't hurt so much.
So I wouldn't have to listen to everything inside me telling me to run.
Where that leaves me today is with a place that makes me uncomfortable, scared and vulnerable.
A place that is new to me.
A place where I know what is wrong and I know how to fix it....
I'm just not so sure that I can.
