Not her. Me.

As I lay in bed tonight I hear the same music coming from her room that I have played for her every night since she was born.

It tones down the sharpness of the dogs bark and makes the sound of the washing machine fade away in the distance.... but mostly it is a familiar sound that both of us like to hear at night.

Being here has settled us both. We are calmer versions of who we were a few months ago, very quickly we have gotten use to this new routine.

I am back to work four days a week, and she is with her sitter and my mum for those days.

She has come leaps and bounds since day one.... now going with out much fuss, and enjoying her time while she is there.

I have not.

I miss her.

I miss her so much every day that it is painful.

I cry most days at some point, when I look at the time and wonder what she might be doing, or when I think of the way she ate her breakfast like a big girl in the morning.

Mostly I just wish it was me that could take her to the park or open her raisin box.

Mostly I am resenting the person that took that away from me.

I understand the bottom line well.

This is what happens; this is what has to be done; this is the sacrifice that I have to make;

But I miss her.

My god do I miss her.

I have been blessed with an amazing boss, and a great work environment.

They are BEYOND accommodating to my situation, and they are 100% on board with my "apple comes first" attitude.

I have also been blessed with the most amazing parents.

They pick up the slack and more on a daily basis.

Not a single day goes by when I don't regret being an asshole to them when I was a teenager. (and maybe early 20's... ok and maybe my late 20's early 30's.... come to think of it I was probably an asshole baby too)

So, I get it.

We all have to do this, and it sucks..... and not many people are as blessed as I am.

I will get through this.

I should also probably re think how much of an asshole I can be.

But that's another blog.

A letter to my friend.

I know you are not ok.

The truth is you won't be for awhile.

I know that you are in more pain than you ever thought possible.

The truth is this is the beginning of a very long road.

I know you just want to hit rewind and get it all back.

The truth is there will come a day when you won't want any of it back, you'll just want to move forward.

I know that some days it takes every ounce of strength you have in you to get out of bed.

The truth is you have to, for those two beautiful children of yours.

I know that you are blaming yourself for all of this.

The truth is none of this is your fault... you have always been a dedicated wife and mother who never wanted anything more than the best for her family.

I know that you don't understand.

The truth is you never really will.

I know you think it will never be the same.

The truth is it won't... it will be different, then better.

I know you feel alone.

The truth is we all do, but none of us every really are, there are so many people who want to be here for you, not just through this... but forever.

Most of all I know that you feel lost.

The truth is you are.... but those two children are your map.

You will get through this.

I promise.

Moving recap.

Home.

It's weird to say, but even weirder to feel.

The last day at my old house was painful and full of a profound sadness that I knew had been waiting in the dark shadows of my mind.

I was blindsided by how empty the house looked as the movers took everything out of my house, piece by piece I watched it all leave the house....

easily remembering the days that all of it came in the house.

I was alone.

In our house.

I was alone.

Again.

And then, out of no where I wasn't.

My neighbours who have now become more like family, were there beside me.... just like they always had been.

My last memory of the house on Farmhouse Road will always be of them.

Standing in the garage hugging so tight that I didn't want to let go.

My first memory of my new house will always be of my dad, standing on my driveway waiting for me.

It already felt like home.

Seeing him standing out there felt so familiar, mostly because I never came home on time as a teenager so when he was really pissed he would stand outside on the driveway and wait for me....

The weekend flew by and by the time Sunday came my best girl and I were comfortably living in our new house.

It's more real now for me than ever before.

That I am alright now.

I slept better my first night here then I had slept in years, and when I woke up.... I instantly knew I was home.

We love it here.

This was the best thing we could have done..... It has already started to change things for us.

I feel it slowly but surely, a new normal.. that I adore.