"Our" anniversary was October 1st.
I didn't write about it, I didn't talk about it.... I attempted not to think about it.
But I did end up dealing with it.
I think that no matter how much I attempt to pretend that I am not affected by holidays, birthdays, anniversary or even just the every day memories.... I am.
As each event comes and goes...it does get easier to deal with.
Or maybe I am just getting stronger.
That night my memories came flooding back as I put my daughter to bed.... I remembered where we went for dinner and what we both ordered. I remembered how happy I felt and that I thought that things were getting better with us. I remembered feeling so connected to him.
I kept the card he had given me on that night until a day or two ago.
It was a beautiful card, one that I had also picked for him years earlier, but it wasn't the card that held the meaning.... it was the words inside.
He told me then, that his gift to me would be simple... He wanted to be a better husband to me, and that he would spend the rest of his life trying.
45 days later he would walk out the front door forever.
It took me by surprise later that same night to start remembering more.
Actually, not more.... just the truth.
I remembered how he got up from the table at least 4 or 5 times to go to the washroom,
I remember that he stayed up late that night to work,
I remember feeling empty
But mostly I remember knowing.
I knew with every thing inside me that he was still having an affair.
There had been no connection, only deception....
There had been no happiness for me on that night, only fear and sadness....
It was not getting better, it was getting worse.
We are eight days shy of being on our own for a year, and we do things everyday that I never thought we would be able to do on our own.
I can finally say out loud for probably the first time in my life, that I am proud of myself.
For kicking this things ass
For getting on with my life
For playing fair
For being true to myself and my daughter
and most importantly....For starting to live again.
