Monday, November 30, 2009

the one about home depot.

My girl and I have some pretty serious adventures day to day.

Most days we make everything we do fun, with vanilla oreo's... and what ever random toys are shoved in my purse that day...Including but not excluding balloons, beach balls, flash lights, headbands, dolls, legos, thomas, percy, bertie the bus... you name it we have taken it with us out and about.

Late last week we went to Home Depot, we needed some light bulbs and clear garbage bags.

That was it... that was all we needed.

Light bulbs and garbage bags.

Seems simple doesn't it.

These two items are mere feet away from each other... It was a maximum eight minute job.

I got the light bulbs quickly, and was checking out my options in the garbage bag section.

Apple was happily singing and clapping safely in the cart.

I looked over at her a few times, making sure that she was alright... and each time she was.

Until something looked different.

Keep in mind I was looking at garbage bags, this whole process took under two minutes.



Apple found a way in seconds to take off both her coat and her shirt....In the middle of Home Depot.

I stared at her for a few seconds trying to process how and why she had felt necessary to do this when a man approached from behind me to tell me that my daughter was half naked in Home Depot.... and that I was not doing anything about it.

I stared back at him blankly and said.... "yes she is.. but it doesn't seem to be bothering her"

He said.... "yeah, but I think it is a little cold"

I then ran over and began to re dress her.

Which did not go smoothly.
There was screaming and crying and what I like to call "fists of furry".. which means she air punches and if she hits you... well that's your problem because you were in the way.

That my friends is what a trip to Home Depot can be like with a two year old.

My dad constantly tells me that Home Depot is a great place to pick up men,
Yes, he tells me that ALL the time.

I guess one of us was trying.



Saturday, November 21, 2009

Ready to run.

After a visit to my therapist on Tuesday I searched for answers.

I looked deeper then before.

Deeper than I wanted to.

I am the kind of person who can deflect any question or any comment into a joke.

I avoid dealing with my emotions and feelings although they always feel like they are right there at the surface... ready to come out.

On Tuesday we talked a lot about why.

I used to think it was because I was afraid of how people around me would react,

now after a lot of thought, I think it is just the opposite.

I am actually afraid of how I will react to the emotion.
Of actually admitting the real way I feel... Of actually feeling the emotion, letting it get a hold of me and losing some control.


I know why it changed, that is easy.

I started to shut down what I was feeling so it wouldn't hurt so much.
So I wouldn't have to listen to everything inside me telling me to run.

Where that leaves me today is with a place that makes me uncomfortable, scared and vulnerable.


A place that is new to me.

A place where I know what is wrong and I know how to fix it....

I'm just not so sure that I can.



Monday, November 16, 2009

I still got it.

First off.... I am sorry to all of you that have emailed and called that I haven't had a chance to get back to.

When I opened my inbox on Sunday night I was shocked to find 47 emails from a lot of you who read this blog.

It was overwhelming.
It was gratifying.
It was love in it's purest form.

I spent the entire weekend in the small town I call still call home... the same place I dream about getting back to.... the place where I feel most like me.

I got home in the early afternoon and spent some time with my grandpa.
He and I had a pretty serious heart to heart about life.
He told me what it was like to get old... and see the inevitable staring you in the face... to know that your time is limited and to still have worry in your heart.

That worry is for me.

He explained that he would love to see me be married again, and have more children if that is what I wanted... Mostly he told me that he didn't want me to be alone.

I held is hand tightly and told him the same things that I tell most of you.

That I am fine.

Is it a lie?
Is it accurate?
Is it what I really feel?

Most days, yes it is.

Yes, at the end of the day I am physically alone, but now more than a year ago my life is filled with people who love me and with people who want to be around me.
People that care enough to send the emails and people who care enough to call.

So... Saturday was it rough?

Yeah, a bit.

But so are random Monday mornings when the ladies at swimming ask why Apple's dad never comes.

This is a life that has taken some getting used to, but it's a life that I accept and have grown to love.











Friday, November 6, 2009

Keep looking...

As the days grow darker faster and the cold mornings stay until the late afternoon my mind drifts back to the place I was last year.

"Our" anniversary was October 1st.

I didn't write about it, I didn't talk about it.... I attempted not to think about it.

But I did end up dealing with it.

I think that no matter how much I attempt to pretend that I am not affected by holidays, birthdays, anniversary or even just the every day memories.... I am.
As each event comes and goes...it does get easier to deal with.

Or maybe I am just getting stronger.

That night my memories came flooding back as I put my daughter to bed.... I remembered where we went for dinner and what we both ordered. I remembered how happy I felt and that I thought that things were getting better with us. I remembered feeling so connected to him.
I kept the card he had given me on that night until a day or two ago.

It was a beautiful card, one that I had also picked for him years earlier, but it wasn't the card that held the meaning.... it was the words inside.

He told me then, that his gift to me would be simple... He wanted to be a better husband to me, and that he would spend the rest of his life trying.

45 days later he would walk out the front door forever.

It took me by surprise later that same night to start remembering more.

Actually, not more.... just the truth.

I remembered how he got up from the table at least 4 or 5 times to go to the washroom,
I remember that he stayed up late that night to work,
I remember feeling empty
But mostly I remember knowing.

I knew with every thing inside me that he was still having an affair.

There had been no connection, only deception....
There had been no happiness for me on that night, only fear and sadness....
It was not getting better, it was getting worse.

We are eight days shy of being on our own for a year, and we do things everyday that I never thought we would be able to do on our own.

I can finally say out loud for probably the first time in my life, that I am proud of myself.

For kicking this things ass

For getting on with my life

For playing fair

For being true to myself and my daughter

and most importantly....For starting to live again.





Monday, November 2, 2009

Clap for him.

Last thursday night I got to do something that I have been waiting to do since I was 18.
I sat 6 rows from the front with one of my best friends to watch Jay Z.
It was unreal and so real all at the same time.

We laughed harder then I have in a long time and did not sit down for about three hours.

By far it was the best concert I have ever been to.
Although it took 3 days to restore my hearing fully.... it was worth it.


Normally, I don't do things like this... even if it's something that I really want to do.

I always tell myself next time... or think about some reason why it doesn't work for me.... but this time I made no excuses, I have found that lately I push my self harder then ever to do things that I would not normally do.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

But at this point I think just putting myself in situations that I am nervous about or uncomfortable with is what's important.

As a year of this new life is quickly approaching... I am only now realizing the lessons that I was always meant to learn in all of this.
But that is another post to come later this month.

Apple has had a great few days... she is going on the big girl toilet like a champ and loves company while doing so.
In fact, every person that is in my home at any given time is forced to come in and watch "it."

"It" can be one of two things and you know what those two things are.
She expects all of us, to sit/stand and watch until she is completely done.... at which point she jumps off the toilet to stare at what has just gone into the toilet.

Normally screaming "Uck". Followed by trying to stick her hands into the toilet to fish "it" out.

All and all, it is a lot grosser then i thought it would be, but I am thrilled with my big girls progress.

Next on the list is training her how to unload the dishwasher and cleaning up dog poop in the backyard.....my dad's out of town for a month so somebody's gotta do it.