Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I forgot.



I never said I fell in love did I? 

I forgot to tell you that. 


Maybe not forgot, but hid it.... because it wasn't perfect and it wasn't easy... and it was beyond messy. 


I fell in love. 


Like never before. 


Quickly and without warning. 


It happened. 


Long ago. 



Well it seems like that. 


It was the first and only time I was myself.  Myself from the beginning and right up until the end. The myself that only the best of the best see... The real me. 




But an end came. 




I was devastated. 


The timing could not have been worse, it was the start of what I will always recall as the hardest year of my life. 



It was weeks after my dad's diagnoses....  and I was officially broken. 


Only to be followed quickly by the death of my grandfather, and later the loss of apple and my dog Mason. 



The cycle of loss didn't seem to end. 



I was battered and bruised and more alone then ever. I struggled more than I let on. 

I had felt pain like never before. 

As a person who was as amazing as I am at being numb....I felt like every nerve ending in my body was on fire. 


I had no way to put out the fire.... but I felt it every single day. 



The problem is, although the relationship ended... it never really did. 


It ended because of circumstance and two single parents trying to raise good children. 


It ended because two people couldn't find time for an "us". 


It ended for reasons that I will never agree with and never really understand. 



But it continued because I had been "myself" and we had fit into each other like nothing else ever had.


It continued because I let it. 


It continued because he could never let go. 



But as time moved on, I began to realize that I needed more. 


I started to understand that I needed someone to  hold my hand on the bad days. 


I started to understand that I wanted someone to show up. 


I started to understand that my life needed to be lived not stood still waiting. 



And so we tried, again and again. 


To be those people that had a happy ending. 


But we never became that. 


We became two people that could stare at each other across a desk and want nothing more than to go make dinner for our children but had no idea  of how to do it together. 



My life as I know it is eclipsed by Apple. 

She makes me understand and feel what real love can be like and what real life is. 


Last week she told me I was the "love of her life". 



I have always known she was the love of mine.


So the other love I felt, became replaceable and almost insignificant in comparison. 



Is alone difficult? 


Yes. 


Is alone where I have learned to live...


Yes. 


Is alone where I will reside forever? 



No. 


Am I terrified? 


Yes. 



But will I do it all over again now..... Just to see if it will work.....



Yes. 

Wish me luck.