I feel like for the longest time I was living in a haze. Unable to see my own reality clearly.
Some of that was because of what he would say. He could never tell me that he was happy with his choice, he could never fully say that this was what he really wanted, he could never just tell me he wasn't coming home.
I hung on every word that he said, trying to carefully decipher each statement. Reading into something as small as "maybe" and something so huge as early renewing our mortgage... together, as if nothing had changed.
I wouldn't explain this to my friends and family because I thought "they don't know us"; "they would never understand"
But all along it was me that wasn't understanding.
So the question remains... what changed?
How did I get from not understanding to the place I am standing steady at today?
Well, I opened my eyes for one thing.
I began to understand that for what ever reason it was going to have to be me that made the choice for all of us.
It was me that would have to find the end to all this.
Yes, he had clearly made his choice to leave this house and start a new life with someone else, but with hope still lingering from his words to my heart... I held on tightly.
Until one day I didn't anymore.
Yes, I know the exact date.
On that day I stated something that I had not done in months... I focused on apple, on myself, on friends that needed me and on a family that loved me.
Loss is a funny thing. A friend of mine once said..."loss is loss, doesn't matter if they are gone from this world or gone from your life= they are gone, and you have to mourn"
So that is what I have done, and what I will continue to do.... mourn.
Until one day I don't.
