Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Hope Floats....

what is that undying piece of us that clings on to what we had? what is it in me that still has so much fight for my marriage? why would anyone still love a person after all of this? how can i sit with him so peacefully in a room? why do i feel better when i am with him?

yes.... i ask myself these questions. i know what people must think.
poor girl, doesn't know when to give up. stupid girl, what is she thinking. desperate girl, why is she so blind?

i'll tell you why, i am a fighter. i do not give up on people. i may be tempted to... and try to, but i can't.
i don't know why i can still love him, but i do. it breaks my heart to type it... but i do.
i can sit with him, because it feels like the most natural thing in the world.
i feel better because at the end of the day, he is still him, and i am still me... and for 7 years of my life... he has been my life.

you see in this process i have figured out one thing. one true thing.
you dont know what its like to be here until you are living it.

i wish so much that i could just fast forward and see what happens... see how all this is going to play out, and good or bad i would go back to the beginning and live it. i just wish i knew what my life was going to look like in 6 months or in 6 years.

thats it. good or bad. thats it today. the most honest i can be.

5 things
asked for what i wanted
layed still for an hour and a half
had a good talk, that didnt take a sour turn
had another amazing day with apple. even tho she says the f word.... whoops.
told a great friend how much i appreciate them.

Monday, February 23, 2009

its a title shot.... fingers crossed.

tonight... i am proud of me. i won.. a very very nothing award... but a big big award to me... and probably only me. i the best of the 5 classes my teacher has.....for a picture i took of apple.
i won a small personal dvd player and a few other things..... but wow... really i won a bit of me back tonight.
i was good at something without him, i did something that he didnt even know about, and i did great at it.
its strange for me... because the best memories i have in my life... yes of my life, are ones with him. i feel sometimes like it will never be as good as it was, that i will never find that kind of happiness and contentment again.....good god, i hope this isnt it. i pray each day for good things to happen. then i think of something the gm told me.... everyday above ground is a good day.

there are other memories in my mind without him that get Honorable mention....

the pop spill in the truck(i am laughing as i type this one)
begging for tiny dancer at my funeral finding out ann savage was there... when we had no clue, double ozzie devil horns at bayfest
judie and me days, they are few and far between, but they are the best.
feeling my way to hamiton with my bff... then the coffee on the top
mason peeing of the foor because... nevermind........
the day i knew i found my best friend, and that she would never ever leave me. (the phone call early moring in windsor... after a long.. long night)
muffin, in general...
the apple with my mum... the one that she made perfect....
the Elizabethan with the am everytime....
the train with the gm when i asked him about all the lights.... the trip to T.O with the gm when i told him about my misfortune with the doll...
the way i met norie, and the way we knew we were supposed to be like this for each other,... yes i remember the moment, the easy silence i felt i will never forget. the best thing i have in this city.
the way chi chi looked at me the day i told him i needed him
the way i laughed with d last month on the phone
the expected and loved phone call i get from my sisters each day


i am smiling. i am laughing out loud right now, this is a good trick... type it out, and smile and laugh about the great things that have happened.
there is a life without him.... its just hard to find sometimes.


we started to change our names today, well i started apple just kind of sat there.... it was sad for me. like giving up a piece of us. but, i think its the right thing to do.

5 things (over the last few days).... and more
not losing my marbles on several occasions
accepting new friendships
bj kicking his ass, with his squirrel picture
being objective
not driving the barbie car over there....
smiled though my heart is breaking
doing everything the d asked me to
set someone straight, even though it was hard to say
being proud of me.... just me.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

i have become comfortably numb....

i can hardly see my neighbours house, thats how much the snow is blowing at my house. i dont hate snow, i dont even dislike the cold, i just cant stand when it whips you in the face and you get it up your nose.
apple hates that to. she waves her hands in front of her face as if to stop it, mid air. its super cute. there is alot of stuff her and i do, that only we know about. like a game called little bites.
i dont know how this game came about all i know is that i sneak up behind her and nip at her shoulders and arms and she laughs so loud normally she falls down. then proceeds to get right back up for me to do it all over again.
if child services reads this they may take apple away from me. Note: little bites is a safe consensual game
as for me, well im ok today. i had to get more tests this week at the hospital, i was a bit loopy and of course completely embarrassed myself. i had this heart monitor hooked up to my chest and i heard the nurses asking one another about something that sounded alot like well the word... tits... they kept saying, do you know if its right on the tits.... and finally in my loopy states
i asked them if they were talking about my tits..... and they all stared at each other. apparently they were taking about the Tips... of the heart monitor. awesome.
you see i constantly do stuff like this in my life. i say and do some of the most embarrassing crap.
but it makes for great stories.... which distract people from the the other parts of the story i dont want to get into.
other than that like the title says i am pretty numb right now. its a good place to be for now.

5 things
ph lunch
played alot of little bites
took the time to write
laughed at myself about the tips.
did a good thing for someone just because it was the right thing to do.

Monday, February 16, 2009

tug of war.

i feel like i haven't written in forever.... but i am back.

do you ever notice that when people go away sometimes they get a fake accent... or they take on the lingo of the new country?

i know someone that went to italy this week and i have already received messages from them starting with "ciao bella". i think that if you are Italian, and you come back from italy... you are allowed to say it. or if you are an Italian in general you can say that, or if your married to an Italian you can say it.

but if you have been in italy for 4 days, you are not allowed to say it.
for some reason i have rules like that in my head.
others are that you cant wear jean on jean. like a jean jacket and jeans. (i used to think you could but ive changed since then)
you have to scratch my back under my shirt not over
you cant eat 2 meats in one meal. (like mixing animals) its just not right.
there are many more, but thats something ill get to at a later date.

things have been good today, i went to see my family.... a great visit, expect apple was a wendy whiner. she and i both saw fh, which went well.
more then ever lately i have put aside the situation and just tried to live. it works some days, and some days it doesn't. i feel like there is this internal pull at my heart that i cant find the way out of. but today im not to concerned about it. today i am just comfortable with the silence that is in my head, and thats good enough for me right now.

5 things
went to see the people that make you feel like you again
did everything on my list
dealt with today
got ready for tomorrow
held apple as close i could and gained the strength i needed.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

this ones from last night, the computer died...

I had a great day today, did alot of stuff for myself. i had a massage, i had a pedicure, i had a facial..... lots of great stuff. i also got a haircut.... its a little reminiscent of jennifer aniston friends... right now, i am not sure if thats because i was laying on it all day, (massage and facial)
tomorrow may be a challenge. to see just how it looks after i have attempted to do it. the weekend has gone ok with fh here. it will come to a close tomorrow... which i am not to sure what to say about. part of me feels more normal with having him here, and a huge other part feels like it is two strangers sitting in the same room.
i dont get when he is kidding, or when he is serious... i dont get when to say something and when to just sit in silence and deal with the fact he is most likely texting his girlfriend while he sits in my living room.
i am wondering if i am pushing myself to fast and to soon with this.
i probably am.
i just don't know another other way to do these things.
i think as i layed in bed last night it became clear to me thatthe change is coming quicker then i think. he is going to have to get his place ready and start to take apple with him soon.
a huge part of me is going to have to let go. every other weekend, let her go.
maybe thats when it will happen. when i let her go, will i let him finally go from my heart to

5 things
did the right thing
kept a smile on my face
enjoyed my self
laughed
slept

Friday, February 13, 2009

Maybe I'm Amazed at the way.....

today was a strange day. for starters my dog ate(well more tore at... and by accident ate) a dirty diaper. it was gross, and i am dry heaving thinking of it. i had to chase him around the basement to get it back. it was not a good scene.
then the woman at tim hortons called me sir through the speaker, and when i pulled up to get my coffee she called me sir again. i didnt like it.
i went to the movies with a friend tonight, and saw hes just not that into you.
alot of lessons that i know, some i didnt.
something that stood out is this."sometimes making someone else happy will give you the happiness that you are searching for" i believe this to be true. i think that there are times in our lives when you need to put ourselves on the back burner, and fix whats broken around us... and in turn find happiness in other peoples joy.

other than that i guess the strangest thing is that fh is here actually here... like 15 feet above me. it is his weekend with apple, and he still stays here with her.
i left the last time he was here, but it didnt work that well for me. so i am trying this for a bit. the inevitable being he is going to get things set up at his place for her.
i am not sure how it is going to work, but i assume ill know more tomorrow.
it has been three months since he has slept here. its been three months since weve been around each other this much.
do you wonder what a girl like me does in this situation? she gets nervous diarrhea.
not because i am excited or scared to be around him. just because it is so difficult to pull in the garage and see his car or to see him in the same chair he used to be or listen to him tell me funny stuff... and not think.... what in the hell happened? where did it go so wrong? how did it get this bad.

5 things
slept in because apple did
did not actually vomit due to diaper incident
tried my best
enjoyed my time with a friend
added a new song to my playlist

Thursday, February 12, 2009

already gone.

so much on my mind tonight. not ready to talk about it. actually i dont know how to.
i know i am going to have to give up alot more then i already have to start over.
that is a difficult fact to face.

5 things
had a great time with apple
went out of lunch
went to the forbidden store
stoped guessing
walked away when it got to much

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

apples not from hawaii, but looks like it.

the thought of all the stupid things i have said and done over the last few months weigh me down at night. last night i could not sleep, when i realized i told fh that he had ruined my life, that i told him i didnt know how i would survive without him, that i hated him....
i cant take that stuff back.
i know now, that my life is moving forward, and he didnt ruin it. he did end the world i was living in... our little bubble. i am surviving without him, and lets be honest for a minute. i dont hate him, i hate the lies and the betrayal but i dont hate him. i hate what he became in order to do all this, and the changes he made that took him away from us.

i have found some sort of loop hole in all this that is making me feel better, it is making me stronger. i still feel really weak at times and i dont know if i am doing any of the right things, but most days i can sit in bed and think... you did ok today.
i know i have alot of big decisions to make in the next few months, but something tells me that i will know when i know.

i am lonely everyday , i know i have said that before but its something i am dealing with every minute of everyday.
i am still so sad that this happened.
i am still confused.
i am still hurting.
i still don't think i have a heart that works.
but the mad went away at some point last week.
i just think my body can't carry it around anymore and to heal i need to let go of what he did and focus on what's happening today.

5 things
the bj penn lookalike
swimming with apple
switched to be a sox fan
did some things for me
danced hard core with apple for about an hour

Sunday, February 8, 2009

go to the mattress's

good news, my eye is offically healed. probably because its sunday and my parents went to church and they probably gave god the heads up about it, or because i googled my symptoms and good old web md told me what to do.

today was great, i spent some time with my parents and apple and i went out for some winter wonderland fun. she loves to be outside. she loves snow and they way it feels on her face and in her hands, she loves the crunchy sound it makes under her boots. she looks up at me every time as if its the first time shes ever been outside. it makes the cold bearable... just to see that look.
i think alot about what we would do for those looks, to be able to see them everyday. we wear fake teeth, we dance around our living rooms, we listen to the backyarigans for great lengths of time- really what wouldnt i do? i cant think of anything.
that is how i have always looked at love. i cant think of anything i wouldnt do for someone i love.
you say the word and you have me doing what you need.
thats who i am. thats who i still am today. that has not gone anywhere.

i am seeing more and more piece's of me come out everyday. they dont look like they used to but they are still there.

5 things
was grateful about my eye
prioritized
laughed about nothing
enjoyed my time with apple
called a friend that needed me.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

good things, diaper eyes and mama no

i am two eyes short of a good set. i had a secondary mysterious eye injury that occurred this morning. my eye was all wonky when i got up, i didnt think much of it at first.... then as i fed apple i realized i was in trouble. not major, just minor. i got my contact out and did some poking around... note to self never poke around at your eye.
now i have a swollen eye that is redder than diaper rash when your getting a tooth. the funny part is thats its the opposite eye from the one i got a shiner on. so... diaper rash eye on one side and shiner on the other, and i am wearing my glasses from 1992, so i look wicked cool.

though out all this i noticed something really really interesting. i was letting out the dog, and i thought well.... at least my necks not sore anymore.
my neck is not sore anymore. i had sort of strained it two or three weeks ago, and it was sore all of the time. nothing horrible just annoying. but i never even noticed when it went away.... when did that happen? when was i so busy that i could not notice something that had been annoying me for that long? i carried that around for weeks, and i was so frustrated by it... how could i not have taken the 2 seconds it would have took to notice it was gone?

i think i need to be more careful to take the time to look around at all of the good stuff . Its easy to get caught up in the bad stuff. i have so much good stuff in my life.
i can look over on the video monitor right now and watch apple stir in her sleep, and listen to her make the sweetest little nosies. i can go upstairs and stroke her hair and move her blankets back on top of her. i can close my eyes and know that i am a good mother everyday.
i have all the best stuff still, for that i am grateful.

5 things
i asked for help
i had a great day
my girl says mama no now
i noticed the good stuff
i did my best all day

Thursday, February 5, 2009

keeping the meaning of me.

today has been a good day. thats about all i can say. i am proud of myself today. i was honest with myself and did what i thought was right. i listened to my own voice, and it made me happy.

i was thinking tonight about "replacements" in your life. how we tend to replace people so easily. we replace spouses and friends, with new people at the drop of a dime.... and walk away so quickly. then we shove our life full of things that don't mean that much, just to be busy or keep our minds from wondering to painful thoughts of our past.
i dont want that to be me. i dont want to make myself busy with things i cant stand doing just for the sake of being busy, because at the end of the day.... this is my reality.
i actually can say that i like the pace of my life at this moment. i like that i am choosing what i want to do and to say very carefully.
for probably the first time in my life i have been this careful.
it feels good.

my shiner is just as i thought.... very bar brawl looking. im putting the ass in classy with this one.

5 things
i said yes
i asked for what i needed
apple and i learned to chicken dance this am (thanks to the wiggles)
i ate well
i made it simple

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

its the small stuff.

today was eventful.
something happened to me that i think has scared me for life.
apple and i went to reading group today, she was happily clapping along to itsy bitsy spider when an eight year old boy entered the room went directly to his mother and asked for num nums.... i know right now your asking yourself what are num nums.... some sort of candy or snack? juice?
no.... it was breast milk. yes breast milk. he proceeded to lift his mothers top and breast feed.
i could not hide my reaction, and for that matter apple could not hide hers either.
another woman in the class asked the mother how old the child was, and she said "eight " sharply. what in gods name did she expect?
needless to say, we may be avoiding reading group from here on in.
i also had a spill today, not to sure how i fell... only that i did and i will be lucky not to have the worlds biggest shiner tomorrow.

i still feel really lost today. really lonely.
i miss him alot still. i miss how much we could do for each other, that we would call each other or email each other with stupid things just to make each other laugh, or that i would get a phone call from him each time he was on his way home... with this little song we made up about being on your way home..... its idiotic to think these are the things you miss about someone. but its all the little things that make your love so big for someone.
im tired of missing. not tired as emotion.... as an action... like i am so tired of feeling loss.
when i talk to most people during the day i bet they sit back and think, wow... shes doing great look how strong she is.
im not. i dont feel strong at all. i feel really weak. i put on a good show, but the truth is im so god dame lonely it is breaking me. not lonely for just anyone, just for him.
i dont know how to make it go away. i dont. if i knew i would do it today. i would just do what ever it took to not feel this way.

its the stupid stuff that breaks me each day. today i got an email from Disney asking if "the ourlastname family... wanted to come back and make our dreams come true again"
i wanted to hit the reply button and say yes.

i have made up a new happy ending for apple and i, i do what that.
i just still see him in our happy ending.
i know how it sounds, i get it..... im supposed to be over this i get it loud and clear from every direction.
im just not over it.

5 things
didnt scream outloud when i witnessed the b feeding
was honest about where i am at
spent an amazing day with apple
research
didnt give up

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

only the lonely.

oh my god, i added music. who knew i would get good at this. the weird thing is there is one person who i know would be so so proud of me. but he has no clue this thing exists.

apple and i had a great day together, still doing our research feeling out options for our life, some good some bad... along with the feed back, some good some bad.
mostly today i thought of when i should act on plans. i am sort of at a stand still until we get back from flordia. which is good. i need the time.
today we took a sleigh ride and had a play date with a sweet little girl that lives on our street.
apple walks so much now, it is amazing.... and ran again today, at me with the phone.... yelling at the top of her lungs da da da da da. (sad moment for me but great moment for her)

i laughed alot this afternoon(as i put on my athletes foot medication) thinking about the state of my life. just how buggered up i am. but knowing from the bottom of my heart it could be worse.
i am pretty lonely right now, not just this minute... but at this point..... i sometimes wonder if i would have been just as lonely with him here.
i sort of wonder if i was on this path anyway. i wonder if i would have ended up being on my own if it weren't for all this. was i destined to be alone?
does that happen to people? are they destined to eliminate everyone from there lives in one way or another?


5 things
i put music on my blog all by myself
sleigh ride
lauged louder then i have in weeks at myself
ate well
made plans for myself

Monday, February 2, 2009

how faraway is faraway enough

making decisions lately has become hard. i do not want to be irrational or do anything wrong or make any decisions that i will regret.
i am attempting to do what is best for myself, and in turn whats best for apple right now.
i do not believe that everyone that is included will agree with everything i do, but if it makes me better as a person and a mum isn't it always right.
i know now, that this environment that i am in is not doing me any good. i am cruelly reminded everyday of what's missing in this life. every morning when i wake up, the first thing i still do is roll over to see if he's there. i lay there for a bit wondering if i close my eyes tight enough if he will magically appear. fyi.... it never works.

on a hilarious note, dougie called a computer a puter tonight. yes a puter. dougie is a real jem.


5 things
i did alot, i mean alot of research
sent a necessary email
caught up with a great friend
prayed for another friend
acted like chris matthews from dateline how to catch a predator again.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I'm not jossie grossie anymore.

the weekend has wrapped up. and i survived. i missed apple like crazy but made the most of it....
i had a great night on friday, spent some time with some amazing friends and laughed alot. no mention of my current situation which was awesome.
saturday i had lunch with my parents at a favorite sketchy restaurant and headed home.
it took alot of strength to not stop by. but i kept in contact with fh, and knew that apple was doing well. from there i went to my friends house where i would be staying and walked into a what some might call... a shit storm, and i look into a future i have to avoid.
my friends son from a previous relationship had just been disappointed by his father with news that he would not be able to stay with him that night. so, she was left to comfort her son and deal with the aftermath of a parent who cast his son aside so easily.
i could see the sadness in her son, and in her.... and it spilled into the rest of her family, causing arguments and frustration.
it scares me. i have no clue how to deal with any of that, but i know... that it is unavoidable. fh will most likely have more children with hg or another woman... and how do i keep apple from feeling second best? or from feeling that pain or sadness when her dad doesn't show up.
i know that if i asked him that, he would say "it won't happen" but the odds are that it will.
it will because life keeps happening, kids get sick and schedules get changed and there are misunderstandings with dates.
the one person in my life i want to protect from pain is going to get hurt in this... and i cant stop that. but i can prepare us.

today was interesting to say the least, i was and still am pretty overwhelmed. i dont always do well in social situations. well i do not appear to be the most shy person , i sort of am.
i did hold my own, and met alot of new people. tried to talk to as many people as i could. some awkward moments, but nothing unbearable. apple actually ran across the living room to chase a little boy... ran, on her own for the first time. she did this 5 or 6 times. the little boy, thought she was pretty special to, and the two of them spent most of the afternoon together. then shared a piece of pizza. i guess it was sort of her first date.

this weekend i noticed how much has changed. i was doing the same things i used to do while my fh and i were together, but i just wasnt the same anymore. it was almost like i was forcing it on myself. although i enjoyed it, it just didnt feel as good as it used to.
i almost feel like i forgot how to be happy.


5 things
i didnt bail on anything all weekend
i put my best foot forward today
i let go a bit
i made someones day
i got alot done