better days.

Love looks a lot different then it used to.

It is no longer a word that I throw around easily. It is an emotion that I feel on a daily basis from the most unexpected places.
I'll explain....
A few weeks ago at a close friends birthday party, I watched as couple after couple trailed into the restaurant. I immediately knew I was going to be the lonely rider at the end of the table... I excused myself and went to the washroom, and when I came back... my friends had moved things around so i would be surrounded by others. not alone at the end of the table.
that is love.
On mothers day my neighbour friend stoped by with a gift a hug, and some amazing words of encouragement for me.
that is love.
One of my guy friends stoped by on saturday morning at 745am, with a coffee and a donut.
that is love.
The phone calls I get from my friends, not to ask "how's it going" but to tell me to "keep going"
that is love.

The way my daughter calls for me in the morning, and gives me the biggest smile in the world.
that is love.

This love is what keeps my head up. I at times feel like I am draining all of you that read this, because i know how hard it must be to know that I am still struggling....
But I still need to do this to get better.

I get angry a lot now, thinking of how he could be doing this differently or "better" in my eyes.
I have come to the conclusion that this is the best he can do at this point in his life.
To be totally honest with you, It is not good enough for me-- and that is ok. I expect the best when it comes to apple... actually I expect better then the best, I expect perfection. She deserves that.
I can't tell you how disappointed I am today, that he didn't take the extra time with apple this weekend. He should have, and that is all I can say. Nothing in this world should come before apple... nothing, and no one.
Tell me how this is going to get easier... when I feel like I am constantly going to be cleaning up his mess.