The one when you can finally say goodbye.

You'll remember each time you see me, the time when you found me laying there.

You'll remember my loud laugh and optimitsic attitude about life.

You'll remember the times that only I could make you laugh, and how I must have looked waking up beside you each day.

You'll remember that day I told you she was coming, and the day she arrived.

You'll remember.

How could either of us ever forget.

I know you see the changes and want to be a part of them, and for the most part you are.

Please know you were the catalyst that set this plan in motion. You helped me get here more than you will ever know.

You often seem so in pain, and I worry for you.

I worry on your darkest days you can't find light.

I worry that your misery made you lose all you ever wanted.

Know that I look back fondly now, I don't regret any of it. Not a minute.

Know that I don't reach for you at night anymore.

Know that somehow I was healed.

Please know that I am sorry for any pain I caused you, I just couldn't see an ending.

Please know that I forgive you.

Finally.

For it all.

This moment.

Time off.

Lots of it.

It is hard to believe that I have not said a word since January.

It has always been my intention to write, and I have... and those posts will come but right now I can tell you this.

The last time I published a post... something changed inside me.

I let go.

Of all of the anger, the resentment, the sadness but most of all the pain.

I accepted my fate and became grateful for it.

The same week I published that post I was driving on a very cold winter day down the street with apple. I had just picked her up from daycare and we were heading home.

I happen to glance out the window and saw a young mother around my age standing at the bus stop with a child around apples age.

The mother rubbed the child's hands in hers to warm them up .

The child's coat did not look warm enough and the mother was glancing up and down the road.... wishing and hoping that the bus would just get to them faster.

I looked away to focus on the road, and like a tonne of bricks it dropped on me.

The words that echoed in my mind were clear...... more clear for than ever before.

"that's not me"

I thought about all that apple and I have, and what a charmed life we lead.

We have more then I could ever ask for.

We have never had to stand at a bus stop in the freezing cold.

With the family and friends I have in my life.... we never will.

For what seems like forever, I was just"existing" in my life.

I would wake up each day and focus.

Focus on nothing but getting through the day and getting home....having dinner....getting her to bed...run...get myself to bed.

That was it.

Everyday, for so many days they all blur together.

Just "existing".

I was trying so hard to get from one day to the next that I forgot to live in them.

I forgot that it would be OK to just be OK.

To start to live again.

Really live. Without the guilt. Without the shame. Without the pain.

The same day we got home after seeing that mother and her child waiting for the bus we made play dough out of orange jello. Then I let her throw glitter on the floor just because she wanted to.

We stayed up late and watched Toy Story 3.

I was happy.

She was happy.

And finally;

It was just gone.

All the bullshit that I had been holding on to had finally left me.

From that day on.... right into today.... I can tell you that I will be eternally grateful that he left.

Maybe it wasn't in the right way and maybe it could have been easier on both of us, but I can't get over the feeling that it might have been the only way out for either one of us.

But the truth is, I have never known this kind of happiness.

To wake each morning and feel grateful for the day ahead is unreal... and a long time coming.

I feel so much sadness that I wasted so much of my life never knowing this kind of happiness was out there in the world just waiting for me.

But, without all that wasted time... I would have been without all that gratitude I have now.

Things have been amazing in the last few months.

Apple and her father and I have been able to spend some time together.

Just the three of us.

I know.

I find it hard to believe as well, but it works... and works well.

For her... I know the two of us will do anything.

Working together as a team, as parents to show her that we are a family.

One that looks a little different..... but one that is stronger living apart then together.

Apple has just turned a huge corner in life.

The last four weeks have been some of the most memorable to date.

Everyday she makes me beam with pride about something that she has said or done.

She is compassionate and kind to others.

Her sense of comedic timing is unreal.

She loves with her whole heart.

Her temper is the same as mine. (this scares the shit out of me)

And she is beautiful.

So beautiful.

I can't tell you how lucky I feel.

Mostly, that I get to be her mum, but also for this second chance at a life filled with glitter on the floor and late night movies on the couch.

People often ask me "when does your happy ending come?"

I got it.

Here I sit.

So much time has passed, but here I am... coming back to where it all began.

Something happened way back in the middle of October that paralyzed me.

I heard her name out of my little girls mouth.

It happened so quickly and with such innocence in our nightly bath.... but it blindsided me and sent me in to a place i wish to never return to.

It happened on a Sunday night, after she had just gotten home from a visit at her dads.

She told me stories of the weekend with a big smile on her face.

Told me about the fun they had, and the games they played and told me about her.

I was caught off guard but attempted to keep my face smiling even though the bile was in my mouth. I could not escape the situation or get away.

So i grinned and listened and told her how great it all sounded.

As I dried my beautiful little girl and put her cream on her I could only imagine that "someone else" was doing it when I was not.

In that moment I wanted to scream at Apple. I wanted to tell her what they had done to me. I wanted her to know what kind of person this was and what they were capable of.

I put her to bed and as we said our good nights I held her extra tight

"are you ok moma?" "you sad?" her little man voice asked me....

"yes baby moma is fine...."

That night was long and sleepless.

So were the next weeks.

The images that were always in the back of my mind had now become a reality.

I had been able to fool myself this entire time not letting the thoughts of her with my daughter ever become real.

But there I was.

It had become real.

I am a very high functioning depressed person.

Although as I have said before I push people away, I have learned that the more I take on and the more I busy myself the less room there is for "reality" in my brain.

October and November are a blur.

It was not until close to the end of November I finally called my councilor.

We talked about how I was feeling and what techniques I could use to feel better, but then I got real with her. I did not need to learn how to breath deeply.. I needed to get this bullshit out of my brain.

My real problem was having my child like or maybe love this woman.

My real problem was thinking of them playing house with Apple.

My real problem was the fear of someone being better than me.

That was it.

That was the route of the problem.

In my brain still somewhere, I had convinced myself that this woman was better than me because she was the one living with the man that I had married.

So what if... this little girl of mine wanted her over me as well.

It was haunting. Even typing it makes me feel sick.

As the weeks turned to into months... and the pain was still as fresh as that day in October we would again.... end up talking about the other woman in the bathtub.

This time it was early December.

As I was drying off Apple she said her name again, I must have winced..... because the next thing out of Apples mouth was " No mummy you're the greatest" *( i will explain the greatest game later)

I was stunned.

The bile was there again.

This time for another reason.

How was it possible that without a single negative word about this woman that Apple would say something like that?

It was simple, she could see the pain. She had probably been feeling it since that night in October.

That was enough. That was it.

When I put her to bed that night I told her how much I loved her, and we said goodnight to everyone we love like we always do.

But this time I said her name-- I said it, just in case Apple was afraid too.

I sat that night and thought about it a lot more rationally than ever before.

Apple and I are lucky.

It seems to me, that this woman loves her and cares for her.

The alternative to this would be horrible. I can not imagine having to worry every time Apple was to go to her dads that someone would be cruel to her.

We are lucky...

It was late December when Apple got sick.

She woke up from a normal Wednesday nap and was miserable.

Her dad was coming to take her out to dinner that night... so I got her ready and off they went.

About 35mintues into the visit I got a phone call telling me that she wanted to come home.

As I stood in the doorway waiting it occurred to me that it must be painful for him to know that I am who she wants.

As Oprah would say "light bulb moment".

I am who she wants.

She came in the door and we hugged for what seemed like hours. He stood there, recapping the last 35minutes and her eyes never left mine.

"moma" she repeated over and over again. I rocked her back and fourth and told her again again that she was home.

I got it.

I get it.

Over the next few weeks we would take turns being sick, her with ear infections, colds and maybe a touch of the flu and myself a cold that led to pneumonia.

But I can officially say that we are both back to normal in every way possible.

I have so many amazing stories to share over the next few weeks. Some that will make you laugh and I am sure some that will make you cry.....

So keep checking in.

Thank you for your patience with me, your kind words sent to me and all of your love and support.

*the greatest game is a game my dad and I play with her.. we ask her "who's the greatest" and normally she will say the opposite name of the person who asked her... we act all heart broken when she doesn't say us... in hindsight probably not the greatest game ever created.