some have gone, and some remain

i have a new way to start my blogs, its on happy notes. i sometimes feel like when i re read the posts i save the happy stuff to the end. i want to change that.
so some great news, apple is walking like crazy at a max 12 steps today, without prompting.... she only does it when she wants something. but it is amazing to see. she does so many new things everyday... and i love being a part of them. most recently she will reach up for my hand and we walk together and she calls out for our dog and cat, (she calls them duug and kiiittttyyy)
i am so blessed to still be at home with her and getting to see all of this.
we are starting swimming next week and our reading group, both very exciting baby activity's.
for me, i am signing up for another class, on monday nights to replace photography when it stops... its a toss up between a crafty class and a wellness class.


things with fh have been up and down. this will be his first weekend alone with apple. he is sleeping here so i dont think it will be to difficult for him.
i think its going to be hard for me. although i 100% am in desperate need of a break being away from her is hard for me. she has become my little rock of strength.

some other ups and downs included an upexpected email that caught me off gaurd. i talked to fh about it, which makes me angry at myself that i relied on him for support or whatever it is i was looking for from him.
the lesson that i am continually learning is that he cant be that person for me anymore. he is that person for someone else. that is his choice.
i remember a long time ago maybe even a year or two he and i were talking about something, and i said to him... you can't be everything to everyone.... and he said, yeah but i want to try.
i sometimes wonder if thats what all this is about. that he cant figure out how to give up either one of us.
i do not find it normal that he still wants to know how i am or that i bought new jeans......why?
what purpose does it serve him? what can he get from knowing anything more about me? he already knew everything there was to know about me, he knew me better than any other person ever has. but he chose to leave me. knowing all there was to know, he chose to leave this life with me. i truly believe he knew or knows what this is doing to me emotionally and physically, he knows, someone that knew me that well.... must know how i am today. it would be impossible not to.
i am stretched so thin physically right now. my poor body is suffering from the stress. in ways that i was unaware were possible.

the weekend for me has alot of great things in it. i am doing my best to see only the positive about it.
i made a huge step in accepting an invitation to a superbowl party with alot people i dont know.its a friend of a friend with a little boy..... it is a baby party so apple is coming with me. i am branching out here. without a doubt going out of my comfort zone.

5 things.
had a nap instead of making cookies.
cleaned up barf with a top on
turned off the phones for the better part of the day
laughed alot when i told a funny story
said yes instead of no.