drink the fat....

today was apples birthday party. it was so amazing. i can not believe she is going to be one on monday. where did the time go... i know all mums say that, but i really feel like i have lost time with apple because of this situation... through worry mostly or having my mind elsewhere when it could have been focused on her.
back to the party, it was great. apple thought the cake was the best thing ever. (although i think it was all about the icing... homemade by me, thanks to one of apples very special aunts)

i could feel as i sat there singing happy birthday a cloud of pity in the room for both of us. i know that our friends and familys feel horrible that this has happened. as i go through each big event like her first christmas or her first birthday with out him by my side... i can look around a crowded room and see the pity and the sadness for what is lost and what we once were to all those people. they miss the old him too.
but today i wasn't alone.
i was surrounded by the people that love me. the people that would drink the fat just to prove a point. the people that would walk into traffic if i asked them to. the people that keep coming back even when i push them away.
these people are his replacements.
these people are my family and best friends. they are the most amazing group of people you have ever met.
they fill me with the courage i need to face this head on. and with the love i need to get through a day.

i am a lucky girl, and so is apple.