and the rains fall down on my door.

my heart hurts alot today. i miss my best friend.
i had a really good night last night with a great friend. he listened and laughed, and made my day. what more could you ask for? nothing.... but why isnt it enough to get me through today.
this morning i woke up aching. i am not sure what happened or why it happened. but its my first brutal day in a week, so i am dealing with it.

but with the blog, its my job to get it sorted why i feel this way today.
probably the most likely scenario is the doctors apt yesterday, i didnt like the end results. its hard so hard because i forced, and i mean physically forced myself not to call him and talk to him about all of it. it took every once of strength i had. but i did it....
was it the right choice? most likely. why? because he went away again this weekend. and i didnt want it to be about me "ruining his weekend".

also, knowing that he is away is hard for me. its always going to be hard. but its going to be like this until its not really. probably until she is here fulltime...(another nightmare in the works)

ahhh, the last reason. its a friends birthday party tonight, and ill be there for it....but the thought of all the people, and the questions, and the secrets, and the lies.... its enough to make anyone fake the flu. but i won't, thats not me.

facing the world alone is not an easy task. but maybe thats what all this is for me. showing me that you dont get any stronger than where i am right now.

you do all this, because its who you are now.

my five things.
i put apple first this morning.
i allowed myself to have fun last night
i asked close to 30 questions at the doctors
i picked a date
i wrote the letter