the meaning of alone....

today was rough on alot of levels. If i tell people this they will tell me that it is just one more thing i have to go through to get to a better place. I can tell you that i believe that today was my lowest point.
I have been having some problems with throwing up blood being dizzy and not being able to keep alot of food down..... this has been great for my waist line.... but not great for my health. today were my tests at the hospital. the good news is that i got to come home today. the bad news is the rest of it. as soon as my parents got here to help i recognized the obvious i am 31 years old and i cant do things on my own. so off my dad and i go to the hospital while my mum looks after apple. he dropped me off and my heart sunk. i am alone. i am so god dame alone. i had my procedure and as i came out of it i asked the nurse one sad question. is he here? she asked who, and was very confused as it was my dad who was to come and get me. the tears started so did the heart ache, and the loneliness. as i laid there and waited for my dad i remember coming in and out of clarity.... still thinking when will he be here... he has to be here... hes always been here....
i dont think i can be ever be lower than i was today.... whatever the results come back i will always in the back of my mind view this day as the worst day of my life. it was the day that i actually started to deal with the fact that i was alone. only amplified because my parents took apple home with them so i could get some rest and deal with the barfing and headache.
it hurts everything about this hurts, maybe today is day one. maybe today is the day it starts to get better.
maybe.
or maybe today is the first day i have ever understood that he is gone, he left me, he left us.... and i can't ever go back.