take me back to the start.

i booked a trip to go to florida with apple yesterday. its a substitute new york city trip. i am going to meet my parents down there, and i am really looking forward to some time to be relaxed with apple and my parents. well lets be honest, i am planning on laying by a pool and reading. knowing full well my parents will scoop apple away for walks etc.
its also a time to make new memories of a place that is tied down with old ones of the three of us.
its our first "new family" vacation.
we are still going to go to new york on our own, i am not sure when but probably this year. i am not sure why this is so important to me, but maybe its taking her to all the places he and i were together, so that i can push the other memories out.
but do i want that? do i want to push it all out and just dump new memories in so i dont have to remember the things that make me ache all over on nights like tonight?
i dont have the answer right now.
yesterday was also a good day because i got a visit from someone very special to me. one of those people that you can say anything to and they dont change there expression. they just let you be you. i love her so much, and i hope she knows just how special she is to me. her presence in a room is all i need sometimes. to bring me to a better place. for that alone, i am blessed.


something new is to tell myself what i did right in the last few days 5 things.... i have to do this every day for the next couple weeks.
i made a friends day with an unexpected visit.
i bought a kid a pop. (i did, he said thanks)
i dressed apple in the outfit her dad got her for his visit
i opened up to someone, and said somethings that should have been said long ago
i opened up to someone else and it gave me nervous diarrhea.... which for me is a good thing. (its like a normal humans butterflies)