warning signs.... i missed the good part.

yesterdays post was vague to say the least, but it was a wretched afternoon that spread into night. i am having these wicked panic attacks, that can be uncontrollable at times.
this one started like the rest of them.... it mostly happens when a few things crash down on me at once. i just get so wound up i cant calm down and then i experience what i can only describe as how it would feel if you knew your plane was going down. that kind of terror that you only reserve for the worst things... i have been having on a regular basis for about 2 months.
i dont want sympathy for this, it is my own fault that i learned to rely on someone else to calm me down when i got that bad. i am going to get it checked out. i know when its going to happen because my ears start to ring loudly and i feel scattered.
but... the point is, i got there and this is the how part.
my parents finally went over to tell my 85 year old grandparents that fh left. they took the news hard. but how couldnt they... what did i expect, they love him.
so my nana decides that she cant come to apples birthday party because it is to hard. she cant see me or apple because it is to hard for her .
i called her to see if i could work it out and i listened to nan cry, because my husband left me and my daughter. she also asked me if i thought there was something that i could do to fix it. god, it hurts to have to even type that.
if it were only so simple.
i also had come to a conclusion about fh in general and friends. it came to me standing in my hallway talking to a friend that this is going to happen very soon. he is going to be bringing her around our mutual friends. i have a replacement... and she is going to be at all the places i was and do all the things that we used to do together. which means she is going to be around our mutual friends.
i dont know how that works. is difficult to write here.... but how am i going to be able to be with these friends the same way? when i know they were with them the night before? i just dont know how... i can be as comfortable as i once was, or not think about it the whole time.
maybe its because i feel like he betrayed us all. maybe i feel like everyone should be as mad as i am. god i dont know. i just feel like i have lost enough. more then enough.

ok, done being wendy winer. apple and i are taking a trip very soon together. we are just in the inital planning stages.. but we have big plans. i think i am going to take apple to the big apple.
i can do it.