im hearing what you say

i find that i can think of things that i want to say about 24 hours after they are talked about. but its to late. i dont have the guts to call someone and tell them. i also let my nerves get the better of me and i say nothing. why? what made me so scared. it makes me want to scream hours later. my fh is someone that has a response for everything on the spot. he knows what to say and how to say it... its his job to. i know he has 100% of our conversations in his head before we ever have them. this has been a forever thing, not just a recent thing. i cant compete. i am not as quick.

my pain both emotionally and physically is intense today. it is not a great day for me. i feel very alone, maybe it is because i am pushing everyone out of my life. maybe.... but i feel a push from some people back. my story is old. its not changing. and i need to deal. i get that. but i seem to be stuck.. holding on to someone thing that is no longer there. i have been let go and discarded so easily. that is where my pain comes from. i have been barfing the better part of the day, and i am so god dame sore that i dont think i can move.... the bad news is i have to leave and go places i dont want to be tonight so he can be with apple..... it makes me mad because i didnt pick this and i am constantly forced to give up time with my daughter so he can have his time with her.
but i am also still looking at like i need a break i need time away i need space to breath--- so i am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

i hate this. and i wish i wasnt here living this life. i want to be alive i want to be living.... thats not what i mean. i just dont want this to be my life right now.