when enough is enough

alot has changed in a year. last year tonight i was in the hospital in some heavy labour with my husband at my side.

tonight i am writing about how i wasn't enough for him.

i wonder alot what he's thinking right now. does he remember the past like i do? does he wonder where he went wrong? or does he think this was a blessing to allow him to live the life that he always wanted.

in two months without him i am truly changed as a person. i dont think he would know the person i am today. so much has changed in my head and my heart, its hard to explain.

i am not the same girl he left broken on the floor of our home, sobbing and begging for him not to leave me. i remember it vividly, the cold tiles against my skin , not knowing if i could actually stand, or if i would ever to be able to stand again.

lets say i am squatting now. not quite able to stand, but i am getting there everyday.

i try not to think about those days to often. its the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night.

wondering how someone could do all this to someone they love.

which has made me wonder and now almost really start to comprehend.

i dont think he ever really did love me the way that i loved him. not completely. i dont think i was ever really enough for him. i think he always wanted more then what i could give him.

i think the idea of a wife and a child were appealing to him, but not enough.

what i take from this is the hope that i will be enough for someone. i will be everything they ever wanted. they will want to make me happy. they will accept apple and i as enough actually not just enough, they will make us everything.