I'm not jossie grossie anymore.

the weekend has wrapped up. and i survived. i missed apple like crazy but made the most of it....
i had a great night on friday, spent some time with some amazing friends and laughed alot. no mention of my current situation which was awesome.
saturday i had lunch with my parents at a favorite sketchy restaurant and headed home.
it took alot of strength to not stop by. but i kept in contact with fh, and knew that apple was doing well. from there i went to my friends house where i would be staying and walked into a what some might call... a shit storm, and i look into a future i have to avoid.
my friends son from a previous relationship had just been disappointed by his father with news that he would not be able to stay with him that night. so, she was left to comfort her son and deal with the aftermath of a parent who cast his son aside so easily.
i could see the sadness in her son, and in her.... and it spilled into the rest of her family, causing arguments and frustration.
it scares me. i have no clue how to deal with any of that, but i know... that it is unavoidable. fh will most likely have more children with hg or another woman... and how do i keep apple from feeling second best? or from feeling that pain or sadness when her dad doesn't show up.
i know that if i asked him that, he would say "it won't happen" but the odds are that it will.
it will because life keeps happening, kids get sick and schedules get changed and there are misunderstandings with dates.
the one person in my life i want to protect from pain is going to get hurt in this... and i cant stop that. but i can prepare us.

today was interesting to say the least, i was and still am pretty overwhelmed. i dont always do well in social situations. well i do not appear to be the most shy person , i sort of am.
i did hold my own, and met alot of new people. tried to talk to as many people as i could. some awkward moments, but nothing unbearable. apple actually ran across the living room to chase a little boy... ran, on her own for the first time. she did this 5 or 6 times. the little boy, thought she was pretty special to, and the two of them spent most of the afternoon together. then shared a piece of pizza. i guess it was sort of her first date.

this weekend i noticed how much has changed. i was doing the same things i used to do while my fh and i were together, but i just wasnt the same anymore. it was almost like i was forcing it on myself. although i enjoyed it, it just didnt feel as good as it used to.
i almost feel like i forgot how to be happy.


5 things
i didnt bail on anything all weekend
i put my best foot forward today
i let go a bit
i made someones day
i got alot done