table for one

i went out for dinner alone tonight. my councillor suggested it. thought it would be an idea to start dealing with being alone.
it was fh's birthday today, and he was with apple. so tonight seemed like the night, i got dressed up in a new outfit, and did my hair and put on earings. i thought i looked nice, but there was no one to tell me that just a girl i dont recognize in the mirror blankly staring back at me.
i bought myself a magazine before i went into the restaurant, so that i wouldn't feel weird alone. news flash, it didnt work. it was just sad.
the hardest part was watching other parents with there children, other families laughing and just enjoying each others company.
a major panic attack set in, knowing that i cant give this kind of family to apple. she will not be one of those kids with 2 parents who love each other and live together, she'll have split weekends and dinners out with her dad and 2 weeks in the summer.

i never understood how much i took my life for granite. i didnt. i messed up by doing that . i just never expected this. i guess no one does.

it breaks my heart.
it does.

5 things
i went out for dinner as asked
i helped apple with her dads birthday gift
i stayed up to write this
i kept my head up
i called in a favor