small victorys

i have always felt that in life, it is better to have little victory's then big ones. i love to get a good deal, or find an item i have been searching for or just tie up a lose end.... these are the things that make my day, my life really.
i think it was one of the things that were the most different from myself and fh. he looked for such huge victory's in his life, and he almost always got them. actually almost always is an understatement. he always got them. he worked hard for what he got and he was able to achieve everything that he put his mind to.
i am not the same. i fear disappointment so very often i dont try. i fear rejection so most of the time i wont say what i think or feel.
from the outside, it would be impossible to ever know how shy i really am, or how much i keep inside. i would appear to be an open book.
i dont tend to let alot of people in.
the people i have let in, i feel for. they deal with a mess. i am all over the map most days.... i love, i hate, i am happy, i am sad.... i am truly messy.
at counselling i awnser honestly and she tells me that i need to go deeper, or that i need to move in a new direction, and i am trying. something i dont think anyone that has not had this happen to them truly understands is that this is the end of the a world for me. a world that i knew and loved and lived in for seven years of my life has ended.