some have gone, and some remain

i have a new way to start my blogs, its on happy notes. i sometimes feel like when i re read the posts i save the happy stuff to the end. i want to change that.
so some great news, apple is walking like crazy at a max 12 steps today, without prompting.... she only does it when she wants something. but it is amazing to see. she does so many new things everyday... and i love being a part of them. most recently she will reach up for my hand and we walk together and she calls out for our dog and cat, (she calls them duug and kiiittttyyy)
i am so blessed to still be at home with her and getting to see all of this.
we are starting swimming next week and our reading group, both very exciting baby activity's.
for me, i am signing up for another class, on monday nights to replace photography when it stops... its a toss up between a crafty class and a wellness class.


things with fh have been up and down. this will be his first weekend alone with apple. he is sleeping here so i dont think it will be to difficult for him.
i think its going to be hard for me. although i 100% am in desperate need of a break being away from her is hard for me. she has become my little rock of strength.

some other ups and downs included an upexpected email that caught me off gaurd. i talked to fh about it, which makes me angry at myself that i relied on him for support or whatever it is i was looking for from him.
the lesson that i am continually learning is that he cant be that person for me anymore. he is that person for someone else. that is his choice.
i remember a long time ago maybe even a year or two he and i were talking about something, and i said to him... you can't be everything to everyone.... and he said, yeah but i want to try.
i sometimes wonder if thats what all this is about. that he cant figure out how to give up either one of us.
i do not find it normal that he still wants to know how i am or that i bought new jeans......why?
what purpose does it serve him? what can he get from knowing anything more about me? he already knew everything there was to know about me, he knew me better than any other person ever has. but he chose to leave me. knowing all there was to know, he chose to leave this life with me. i truly believe he knew or knows what this is doing to me emotionally and physically, he knows, someone that knew me that well.... must know how i am today. it would be impossible not to.
i am stretched so thin physically right now. my poor body is suffering from the stress. in ways that i was unaware were possible.

the weekend for me has alot of great things in it. i am doing my best to see only the positive about it.
i made a huge step in accepting an invitation to a superbowl party with alot people i dont know.its a friend of a friend with a little boy..... it is a baby party so apple is coming with me. i am branching out here. without a doubt going out of my comfort zone.

5 things.
had a nap instead of making cookies.
cleaned up barf with a top on
turned off the phones for the better part of the day
laughed alot when i told a funny story
said yes instead of no.

table for one

i went out for dinner alone tonight. my councillor suggested it. thought it would be an idea to start dealing with being alone.
it was fh's birthday today, and he was with apple. so tonight seemed like the night, i got dressed up in a new outfit, and did my hair and put on earings. i thought i looked nice, but there was no one to tell me that just a girl i dont recognize in the mirror blankly staring back at me.
i bought myself a magazine before i went into the restaurant, so that i wouldn't feel weird alone. news flash, it didnt work. it was just sad.
the hardest part was watching other parents with there children, other families laughing and just enjoying each others company.
a major panic attack set in, knowing that i cant give this kind of family to apple. she will not be one of those kids with 2 parents who love each other and live together, she'll have split weekends and dinners out with her dad and 2 weeks in the summer.

i never understood how much i took my life for granite. i didnt. i messed up by doing that . i just never expected this. i guess no one does.

it breaks my heart.
it does.

5 things
i went out for dinner as asked
i helped apple with her dads birthday gift
i stayed up to write this
i kept my head up
i called in a favor

fading.

to much on my mind... to able to write it all down today.

5 things.
1.enjoyed time with my family
2.went to class even though i didnt want to
3.i tried all day
4.puled it together
5.booked an apt that i had been putting off

the smile on her face

when they said motherhood was the most selfless job on earth they were right. apple has been under the weather for the better part of the week.... barfings on and off for most of the week. not more then once or twice a day, and not to worry she has been to the doctors.... its a cross between something viral and teeth.... oh those bloody teeth.
so here is what i mean about selfless. two nights ago, she barfed all over herself, myself and the floor. the first order of business was not the large amount of barf that was covering the entire front part of my shirt, and because of the angle i was holding her had conveniently slid down my top and was now seeping into my bra... or the large amount that was now drying in my hair...

the first thing i did was to change apple. then take off both my shirt and my bra, and clean myself with a baby wipe. then tackle the floor topless. oh what a site to see.
the funny thing is, it never would have crossed my mind to do it any other way.
there are so many small and large acts that we do everyday where we put ourselves last.. that i dont even think we notice as mums..... we just notice the big smile beaming back at us, and that makes it all worth it.
i have been pretty crusty all weekend. but i feel myself pulling out of it tonight.
i was pretty embarrassed last night, and ended up leaving early from the party i went to, but i think thats life right now. someone said somethings and i was humiliated. to say the least. the tears came, then the sobbs, then the lonleyness.(i had enough common sence to save these for the car on the way home) i dont know why i dont expect it. i should be prepared better for the bad days, and try to be more graceful about them.
so, all and all it wasnt my best weekend, but it wasnt my worst either.

5 things
1.i spent sometime on me today
2.worked hard with apple on walking.
3. i responded with honesty
4. i had a good chat with friend
5.i laughed at myself
4.

and the rains fall down on my door.

my heart hurts alot today. i miss my best friend.
i had a really good night last night with a great friend. he listened and laughed, and made my day. what more could you ask for? nothing.... but why isnt it enough to get me through today.
this morning i woke up aching. i am not sure what happened or why it happened. but its my first brutal day in a week, so i am dealing with it.

but with the blog, its my job to get it sorted why i feel this way today.
probably the most likely scenario is the doctors apt yesterday, i didnt like the end results. its hard so hard because i forced, and i mean physically forced myself not to call him and talk to him about all of it. it took every once of strength i had. but i did it....
was it the right choice? most likely. why? because he went away again this weekend. and i didnt want it to be about me "ruining his weekend".

also, knowing that he is away is hard for me. its always going to be hard. but its going to be like this until its not really. probably until she is here fulltime...(another nightmare in the works)

ahhh, the last reason. its a friends birthday party tonight, and ill be there for it....but the thought of all the people, and the questions, and the secrets, and the lies.... its enough to make anyone fake the flu. but i won't, thats not me.

facing the world alone is not an easy task. but maybe thats what all this is for me. showing me that you dont get any stronger than where i am right now.

you do all this, because its who you are now.

my five things.
i put apple first this morning.
i allowed myself to have fun last night
i asked close to 30 questions at the doctors
i picked a date
i wrote the letter

take me back to the start.

i booked a trip to go to florida with apple yesterday. its a substitute new york city trip. i am going to meet my parents down there, and i am really looking forward to some time to be relaxed with apple and my parents. well lets be honest, i am planning on laying by a pool and reading. knowing full well my parents will scoop apple away for walks etc.
its also a time to make new memories of a place that is tied down with old ones of the three of us.
its our first "new family" vacation.
we are still going to go to new york on our own, i am not sure when but probably this year. i am not sure why this is so important to me, but maybe its taking her to all the places he and i were together, so that i can push the other memories out.
but do i want that? do i want to push it all out and just dump new memories in so i dont have to remember the things that make me ache all over on nights like tonight?
i dont have the answer right now.
yesterday was also a good day because i got a visit from someone very special to me. one of those people that you can say anything to and they dont change there expression. they just let you be you. i love her so much, and i hope she knows just how special she is to me. her presence in a room is all i need sometimes. to bring me to a better place. for that alone, i am blessed.


something new is to tell myself what i did right in the last few days 5 things.... i have to do this every day for the next couple weeks.
i made a friends day with an unexpected visit.
i bought a kid a pop. (i did, he said thanks)
i dressed apple in the outfit her dad got her for his visit
i opened up to someone, and said somethings that should have been said long ago
i opened up to someone else and it gave me nervous diarrhea.... which for me is a good thing. (its like a normal humans butterflies)

small victorys

i have always felt that in life, it is better to have little victory's then big ones. i love to get a good deal, or find an item i have been searching for or just tie up a lose end.... these are the things that make my day, my life really.
i think it was one of the things that were the most different from myself and fh. he looked for such huge victory's in his life, and he almost always got them. actually almost always is an understatement. he always got them. he worked hard for what he got and he was able to achieve everything that he put his mind to.
i am not the same. i fear disappointment so very often i dont try. i fear rejection so most of the time i wont say what i think or feel.
from the outside, it would be impossible to ever know how shy i really am, or how much i keep inside. i would appear to be an open book.
i dont tend to let alot of people in.
the people i have let in, i feel for. they deal with a mess. i am all over the map most days.... i love, i hate, i am happy, i am sad.... i am truly messy.
at counselling i awnser honestly and she tells me that i need to go deeper, or that i need to move in a new direction, and i am trying. something i dont think anyone that has not had this happen to them truly understands is that this is the end of the a world for me. a world that i knew and loved and lived in for seven years of my life has ended.

when you boil it down. whats left.

yesterday was a worldwin with apple, its something viral shes much better today but a bit sick.....
last night was amazingly funny. i went to my photography class and remembered why i dont didnt like school.
first off my teachers name is doug... if you happen to forget, dont worry its on his shirt. doug says pacific instead of specific. doug uses the word pacific alot. an example.... on of my favorites was... "well the pacific thing that your camera is doing right now when you take that photo will only happen when with your pacific camera is in that pacific mode" ohhh dougie, did no one tell you ever that pacific is an ocean?
it bothered me to say the least, but what bothered me more is that i think i was the only one in class that noticed. i dont have anyone to nudge. the other bad thing dougie did was rant, yes rant for 62 minutes about the difference between zoom and a prime lens. dougie told us how much better the prime lens was and how amazing it is.
arnie my 56 year old desk neighbour said..."doug, could you tell us the best prime lens to purchase"
dougie laughed.... and said, "oh none of you will ever need a lens like that,they are 15 thousand dollars and 90% of the population cant even tell the difference between the lens's... you wont ever have a pacific time to use this type of lens in your lifetime" wow.... thanks dougie, thanks for wasting 62 minutes of the class on that nice bit of info.

today has been long and drawn out.
alot on my mind. went to the doctors, and he is going to try to deal with the panic attacks. i am going to have alot of internal work to do, but thats what all this about. finding a new me that i am comfortable with. i did like the old me, i just dont see her in here right now. i feel like a hard boiled egg, im still the same egg, i just got so overheated that i changed on the inside.
whats left of the old me is probably the shell, and my morals... they are still there.
but the rest of it just sort of feels gone.
lets be honest.
i am not me. i am not alright. i am lost. but i am getting a direction, and filling myself up with new things and new opportunity's and yes ill say it, new people.

tonight its not me.

apple is screaming bloody murder.
cant write tonight.

when enough is enough

alot has changed in a year. last year tonight i was in the hospital in some heavy labour with my husband at my side.

tonight i am writing about how i wasn't enough for him.

i wonder alot what he's thinking right now. does he remember the past like i do? does he wonder where he went wrong? or does he think this was a blessing to allow him to live the life that he always wanted.

in two months without him i am truly changed as a person. i dont think he would know the person i am today. so much has changed in my head and my heart, its hard to explain.

i am not the same girl he left broken on the floor of our home, sobbing and begging for him not to leave me. i remember it vividly, the cold tiles against my skin , not knowing if i could actually stand, or if i would ever to be able to stand again.

lets say i am squatting now. not quite able to stand, but i am getting there everyday.

i try not to think about those days to often. its the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night.

wondering how someone could do all this to someone they love.

which has made me wonder and now almost really start to comprehend.

i dont think he ever really did love me the way that i loved him. not completely. i dont think i was ever really enough for him. i think he always wanted more then what i could give him.

i think the idea of a wife and a child were appealing to him, but not enough.

what i take from this is the hope that i will be enough for someone. i will be everything they ever wanted. they will want to make me happy. they will accept apple and i as enough actually not just enough, they will make us everything.

drink the fat....

today was apples birthday party. it was so amazing. i can not believe she is going to be one on monday. where did the time go... i know all mums say that, but i really feel like i have lost time with apple because of this situation... through worry mostly or having my mind elsewhere when it could have been focused on her.
back to the party, it was great. apple thought the cake was the best thing ever. (although i think it was all about the icing... homemade by me, thanks to one of apples very special aunts)

i could feel as i sat there singing happy birthday a cloud of pity in the room for both of us. i know that our friends and familys feel horrible that this has happened. as i go through each big event like her first christmas or her first birthday with out him by my side... i can look around a crowded room and see the pity and the sadness for what is lost and what we once were to all those people. they miss the old him too.
but today i wasn't alone.
i was surrounded by the people that love me. the people that would drink the fat just to prove a point. the people that would walk into traffic if i asked them to. the people that keep coming back even when i push them away.
these people are his replacements.
these people are my family and best friends. they are the most amazing group of people you have ever met.
they fill me with the courage i need to face this head on. and with the love i need to get through a day.

i am a lucky girl, and so is apple.

warning signs.... i missed the good part.

yesterdays post was vague to say the least, but it was a wretched afternoon that spread into night. i am having these wicked panic attacks, that can be uncontrollable at times.
this one started like the rest of them.... it mostly happens when a few things crash down on me at once. i just get so wound up i cant calm down and then i experience what i can only describe as how it would feel if you knew your plane was going down. that kind of terror that you only reserve for the worst things... i have been having on a regular basis for about 2 months.
i dont want sympathy for this, it is my own fault that i learned to rely on someone else to calm me down when i got that bad. i am going to get it checked out. i know when its going to happen because my ears start to ring loudly and i feel scattered.
but... the point is, i got there and this is the how part.
my parents finally went over to tell my 85 year old grandparents that fh left. they took the news hard. but how couldnt they... what did i expect, they love him.
so my nana decides that she cant come to apples birthday party because it is to hard. she cant see me or apple because it is to hard for her .
i called her to see if i could work it out and i listened to nan cry, because my husband left me and my daughter. she also asked me if i thought there was something that i could do to fix it. god, it hurts to have to even type that.
if it were only so simple.
i also had come to a conclusion about fh in general and friends. it came to me standing in my hallway talking to a friend that this is going to happen very soon. he is going to be bringing her around our mutual friends. i have a replacement... and she is going to be at all the places i was and do all the things that we used to do together. which means she is going to be around our mutual friends.
i dont know how that works. is difficult to write here.... but how am i going to be able to be with these friends the same way? when i know they were with them the night before? i just dont know how... i can be as comfortable as i once was, or not think about it the whole time.
maybe its because i feel like he betrayed us all. maybe i feel like everyone should be as mad as i am. god i dont know. i just feel like i have lost enough. more then enough.

ok, done being wendy winer. apple and i are taking a trip very soon together. we are just in the inital planning stages.. but we have big plans. i think i am going to take apple to the big apple.
i can do it.

i keep bleeding.

i am in that half way spot between sad and mad. where you could cry because you are so frustrated.
i dont know what to say tonight other than i didnt ask for this.

i dont want to have to split up time with apple between him and i. but here i am doing it.

i dont want to lose friends. but here i am doing it.

i am left here to deal with our old life.
while he moves on to his new one that he already had in place for the last eight months.

i cried today it caught me off gaurd because i had done so well the last few days.
it hurts to be alone. it hurts to be doing all this.

big firsts for both of us

today was huge at our house. apple took her first step, and you can see her first tooth. my parents were here... my mum was in the room with us, and it was amazing to share it with her.
i was so happy, and still am so happy that i was here with her to see it.
one big day for apple!!!!!
the big news for me is still no contact. this is the longest that we have gone in seven years without talking in some way or another.
he is now asking about apple. has been since late yesterday. but only by txt, no phone calls etc.
i am doing better, so much better.
each day i feel better.
i am excited for the things to come, and excited about the new options in my life.
this weekend is apples first birthday, her party is saturday and we will be surrounded by all of the special people in our lives... it will be great. a month ago, i thought of cancelling the party, its not something that i thought i could handle. and now? its full steam ahead.

on the road again....

so how does recovery happen... how do you get there....
i think i know my anwser. its zero communication. that is what i have to do.

fh didnt contact me until late yesterday.... it was a horrifying flurry of txts first asking about the meeting i had asked for..... to which i thought... to little to late(... it had been since saturday at 10 he had left me waiting it was now monday at 3..... ) but what annoyed me more was the fact he didnt check on apple.
i was great all day saturday sunday and monday.... i was. i had great times with apple, i got alot done and i felt good. when did it go down hill? monday at 3. the minute i saw the txt.
so i got my anwser, to get better... i stop talking to him completely.
this will most likely not go over well. reason being he will want to check on apple at his convience once the hg is gone.... but i cant do it any other way. i cant.
when i asked him why he didnt check on apple, he said i thought you were going to contact me. what woman in there right mind would tell there fh that they would call them knowing that the hg was here? no one would.
he also said... i asked my mum how she was, so in my opinion he can continue like that.
i have to take a stand. its the only way i can do this.

i got some amazing flowers today, they completley made my day.

i am getting better. i know this because i have opened up my eyes a little more. i see the things around me more clearly then i did a month ago. i didnt cry today.

my ahhh haaa moment of the day.

this will be a short post as i am in the middle of twilight and apple is sleeping, and i need yes actually need to read it. i am addicted.
something dawned on me this morning.
why is it ok for fh not to check on his daughter for 48 hrs and counting... but i have to respond immediately when he asks or he flys off the handle.
this happens constantly when he is with the hg, he does not ask a word about apple to me atleast.... he gives excuses like.. you were acting crazy, or i didnt want to get yelled at or... i knew she was fine or you'd let me know.....
so, bugger to him.... why should i have to respond. why in gods name should i have to tell him how she is? when he will only ask when it is convenient for him......
convenient for me is the key word.
wow..... ahhh haaaa

yesterday all my troubles......

its hard for me to look at this "unclouded" but i will give you the version in facts.

fh told me he could not see apple because of course he was taking at a local college.
i should not have but i looked the course up on line and it wasnt offered on the date. when i asked him about it.... he changed his story to the course being offered online and he would be taking it that way. ok.... so i believed him.... when i asked him the direct question..... is she coming.... the awnser was no. over and over again it was no.
then to my surprise the hg's shift got changed and she was able to make it after all. i then did something out of character.... i told him that i wanted to sit down with both of them and talk about the situation. i called her as well and left her the same message.
i did it because i want some of these things to be talked about with all of us present.
maybe it is to wreck what they have because i feel like if hg knew the entire truth about the phonecalls we have or the emails and txts that he sends that it might actually start to make them both face the reality of what they have done.... and what i feel the fh is continuing to do.
i also want to discuss how i am going to allow apple to be around her.
this conversation face to face has to happen sometime between us... so in my opinion why not now?
neither one of them contacted me back to do this.
so i guess they will have to wait until i am ready for it again.

but i need to get to the bottom of why i am so angry about the situation... so here it goes

1. she is here. that bothers me. i have every right to be frustrated with this..... she is in the city i live in, with my fh, or ch, whatever he is.
2. i was lied to or manipulated about the reason he couldn't see his daughter all weekend.
3. neither returned my calls about the meeting.
4. i talked to him for about an hour and forty five minutes on wednesday, and listened to him and almost consoled him about what he was doing... he told me how confused he was... he told me so many things----- but here's the kicker for me...he wont be calling me tonight or tomorrow, he wont call here again to talk to "me" until she is gone. he wont send me jokes on blackberry or ask me how i am feeling my email..... until she is gone. he will only ask me very coldly..."how is apple" and that will be it. by blackberry... not by phone...

so that is why i am angry.

but i am putting it away after typing this... i am pushing it as far away as i can. i am going to get over this... along with everything else.
i have other things in my life then him.
he is not what keeps me going everyday.
my life is continuing to go on without him.
good things are happening for me.
good people are coming in to mylife.

thats it.
xo

im hearing what you say

i find that i can think of things that i want to say about 24 hours after they are talked about. but its to late. i dont have the guts to call someone and tell them. i also let my nerves get the better of me and i say nothing. why? what made me so scared. it makes me want to scream hours later. my fh is someone that has a response for everything on the spot. he knows what to say and how to say it... its his job to. i know he has 100% of our conversations in his head before we ever have them. this has been a forever thing, not just a recent thing. i cant compete. i am not as quick.

my pain both emotionally and physically is intense today. it is not a great day for me. i feel very alone, maybe it is because i am pushing everyone out of my life. maybe.... but i feel a push from some people back. my story is old. its not changing. and i need to deal. i get that. but i seem to be stuck.. holding on to someone thing that is no longer there. i have been let go and discarded so easily. that is where my pain comes from. i have been barfing the better part of the day, and i am so god dame sore that i dont think i can move.... the bad news is i have to leave and go places i dont want to be tonight so he can be with apple..... it makes me mad because i didnt pick this and i am constantly forced to give up time with my daughter so he can have his time with her.
but i am also still looking at like i need a break i need time away i need space to breath--- so i am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

i hate this. and i wish i wasnt here living this life. i want to be alive i want to be living.... thats not what i mean. i just dont want this to be my life right now.

just watch your words.

my dad tells me that the first 10 words out of your mouth generally are the ones that matter in a bad situation. dont say the rest. coldplay tells me the same. the councillor asked me if there was any song i could play for fh what would it be.... rather interesting question..... one might think knowing me it would be something horrific with alot of f words.i think she asks the question to see if you are wanting to let go or hold on. lets just say its mixed.

1. fix you--- coldplay. i had never really listened to the words of this song until the last few months, now i can tell you them in my sleep.
2. because of you---kelly clarkson.
3.sometimes i wake up crying---the dixie chicks
special mention went out to grow old with you by adam sandler---just for old times sake
(when asked to give just one i gave fix you coldplay)
i have thought of making him a cd with these songs but i didnt and i wont. it wont matter.

i put them on a cd for me and for some strange reason i torture apple in i in the car with my scream crying any time we go anywhere.... for example... i decided to treat myself to a th coffee one morning this week.... on goes her backyardigans dvd and my cd simultaneously by the time i got to the drive through i was sobbing so hard that i was physically unable to place my order.
so i drove home, with no coffee. apple was fine because the backyardigans were highland dancing and she loves that.

today was the lawyer. she asked questions, i asked questions, its just an expensive way to spend a morning. i did ask her one question that she couldnt answer right away ... how do you divorce someone you love?
she did come up with something after awhile that summed it up pretty well.

you can divorce someone you love because you deserve to find someone that loves you.
great... when i hear that i think great.... so i can do this all over again. great news.
i feel unlovable. i can look back with certainty and tell you that i have never left anyone. they have always left me. always.

diffrent shades of gray.

you know how your version of gray is completely different then someone else... thats how i feel about people. especially new people that you meet in your life. the ones that you meet post apocalypse. (apocalypse for me being the introduction of the hg in my life)
you meet them and you talk to them... and you think.. ok this is who they are, then you take a harder look and they are completely different then what you originally thought.
its not because they do something or say something.... its because you judge people differently then you did before. for better or for worse thats who i am now.
its strange to me. i dont know for sure (well i know nothing for sure anymore) but i think that i will never be able to look at people the same way, i think i will always doubt what they say---- and this is a crappy byproduct of the apocalypse.
so i guess all i can do is trust my gut. It has gotten me this far... anyway i like the colour of my gray.

another day another dollar.

along with the everyday stress of being a single mum (such silly things as how to get a baby to walk to you when there is not someone else to hold her on the other side and more important things like surrounding apple with positive male role models) the biggest stress i have although its hard to admit right now is money.... because its something i have zero control over. i am completely dependent on someone else to pay me. the payments each month must come for survival. for bills for diapers for food for gas for everything, and right now its all in someone elses hands. (obviously that someone else is my fh) its a will he wont he game in my head. will he pay me each month? will he hold back funds if i say something he does not like? will he forget because he is away... and i will bounce the mtg payment? these are the thoughts that keep me up at night.

i have made some decisions about my future and how i am going to change that. i am going to go back to a job or school in or before june. i am going to research and hunt for the right job for me, or i am going to go back to school to educate myself for the kind of job i want. what that is.... i have no clue right now, but i am sure i will find it. i am sure. any ideas, feel free to let me know.

thats it for now.

the meaning of alone....

today was rough on alot of levels. If i tell people this they will tell me that it is just one more thing i have to go through to get to a better place. I can tell you that i believe that today was my lowest point.
I have been having some problems with throwing up blood being dizzy and not being able to keep alot of food down..... this has been great for my waist line.... but not great for my health. today were my tests at the hospital. the good news is that i got to come home today. the bad news is the rest of it. as soon as my parents got here to help i recognized the obvious i am 31 years old and i cant do things on my own. so off my dad and i go to the hospital while my mum looks after apple. he dropped me off and my heart sunk. i am alone. i am so god dame alone. i had my procedure and as i came out of it i asked the nurse one sad question. is he here? she asked who, and was very confused as it was my dad who was to come and get me. the tears started so did the heart ache, and the loneliness. as i laid there and waited for my dad i remember coming in and out of clarity.... still thinking when will he be here... he has to be here... hes always been here....
i dont think i can be ever be lower than i was today.... whatever the results come back i will always in the back of my mind view this day as the worst day of my life. it was the day that i actually started to deal with the fact that i was alone. only amplified because my parents took apple home with them so i could get some rest and deal with the barfing and headache.
it hurts everything about this hurts, maybe today is day one. maybe today is the day it starts to get better.
maybe.
or maybe today is the first day i have ever understood that he is gone, he left me, he left us.... and i can't ever go back.

why the resart you ask

well here it goes, its a new year and i am restarting my life. i bet a million people wrote the same thing.

i think oprah is doing it to. she is going to teach me how to live my best life this week. im looking forward to that.

last year had its ups and downs.... the ups being my daughter was born, and she is the light in my life, the apple of my eye.... etc. the downs were my husband left me for a hooters girl.... not just any hooters girl. the special kind that deal blackjack in lasvegas. whats worse is she has a really terrible hooters girl type name that i wont type here but believe me when i tell you its one that you could put a heart above the i.

its funny.... when i read it its funny... but at night between 730 and 1 its not all that funny. im fine most of the time during the day its the nights i fall apart.

so, here i am new year....with my apple... and my dog and my cat and my house. trying to re start. my councillor said doing this would be a good idea. to write down what i was feeling sort of like a journal..... but it makes it easier for me to do anywhere at anytime. so this is my first post... i am not altogether sure what to write.... but i guess i should make some ground rules for myself.

1. i will not under any circumstances use names i will call my daughter apple...... (then im like Gweneth) i will call the former or currently married to husband -fh and i can call her hg... you can guess why.
2. i will use this as a way to sort myself out... no to defame him or say things that will get me into trouble
3. i will tell the truth

ok--- so with my rules written down i will start.

i have already come to some pretty scary conclusions about myself through out this, one of them being i dont like domminios pizza. that may seem like a weird thing to say... but for me its part of how i got so lost. you see when we ordered pizza 90% of the time we got it from domminios. the problem is.... i never said i didnt like domminios. i just went with what fh wanted. i can look back now and remember so many times when i didnt make my voice heard... or didnt even know i had one. the only person to blame for this is me. i dont know how or when i got so lost in someone else. but i did. and now that person is gone.... i am struggling to find out who i actually am when i am alone. (although i did figure out i like pizza hut and pango pizza the best) you know that part in runaway bride when she has to sit down at the diner and try all of the diffrent kinds of eggs.... thats how i feel. i am lost in this place of who i used to be based on someone else likes and dislikes.

so far with much searching i have found out a few things.....

i want to be the best mum in the world, i want to go to paris and spain, i like to stay in on weekends , i love fried eggs over easy, i love appitizers, i love the movies, i love to read and i love to do research on cool topics

thats where i wrap things up for today.....