apples not from hawaii, but looks like it.

the thought of all the stupid things i have said and done over the last few months weigh me down at night. last night i could not sleep, when i realized i told fh that he had ruined my life, that i told him i didnt know how i would survive without him, that i hated him....
i cant take that stuff back.
i know now, that my life is moving forward, and he didnt ruin it. he did end the world i was living in... our little bubble. i am surviving without him, and lets be honest for a minute. i dont hate him, i hate the lies and the betrayal but i dont hate him. i hate what he became in order to do all this, and the changes he made that took him away from us.

i have found some sort of loop hole in all this that is making me feel better, it is making me stronger. i still feel really weak at times and i dont know if i am doing any of the right things, but most days i can sit in bed and think... you did ok today.
i know i have alot of big decisions to make in the next few months, but something tells me that i will know when i know.

i am lonely everyday , i know i have said that before but its something i am dealing with every minute of everyday.
i am still so sad that this happened.
i am still confused.
i am still hurting.
i still don't think i have a heart that works.
but the mad went away at some point last week.
i just think my body can't carry it around anymore and to heal i need to let go of what he did and focus on what's happening today.

5 things
the bj penn lookalike
swimming with apple
switched to be a sox fan
did some things for me
danced hard core with apple for about an hour