its the small stuff.

today was eventful.
something happened to me that i think has scared me for life.
apple and i went to reading group today, she was happily clapping along to itsy bitsy spider when an eight year old boy entered the room went directly to his mother and asked for num nums.... i know right now your asking yourself what are num nums.... some sort of candy or snack? juice?
no.... it was breast milk. yes breast milk. he proceeded to lift his mothers top and breast feed.
i could not hide my reaction, and for that matter apple could not hide hers either.
another woman in the class asked the mother how old the child was, and she said "eight " sharply. what in gods name did she expect?
needless to say, we may be avoiding reading group from here on in.
i also had a spill today, not to sure how i fell... only that i did and i will be lucky not to have the worlds biggest shiner tomorrow.

i still feel really lost today. really lonely.
i miss him alot still. i miss how much we could do for each other, that we would call each other or email each other with stupid things just to make each other laugh, or that i would get a phone call from him each time he was on his way home... with this little song we made up about being on your way home..... its idiotic to think these are the things you miss about someone. but its all the little things that make your love so big for someone.
im tired of missing. not tired as emotion.... as an action... like i am so tired of feeling loss.
when i talk to most people during the day i bet they sit back and think, wow... shes doing great look how strong she is.
im not. i dont feel strong at all. i feel really weak. i put on a good show, but the truth is im so god dame lonely it is breaking me. not lonely for just anyone, just for him.
i dont know how to make it go away. i dont. if i knew i would do it today. i would just do what ever it took to not feel this way.

its the stupid stuff that breaks me each day. today i got an email from Disney asking if "the ourlastname family... wanted to come back and make our dreams come true again"
i wanted to hit the reply button and say yes.

i have made up a new happy ending for apple and i, i do what that.
i just still see him in our happy ending.
i know how it sounds, i get it..... im supposed to be over this i get it loud and clear from every direction.
im just not over it.

5 things
didnt scream outloud when i witnessed the b feeding
was honest about where i am at
spent an amazing day with apple
research
didnt give up