when your roads bends.

i am not altogether sure i will get all of this done tonight.... as apple is a bit crusty. (i think its teeth... but then again, i always think its teeth)
something so big happened to me on sunday morning, but i didnt think i had the strength to write about it with everything going on.
but i do now.

here is a small amount of back ground info on the weekend.
apple was with her dad, she stayed at his place for the second time since all of this happened.
i had 2 events over the weekend, one being a close friends wedding and the second a birthday party for a close friends daughter who was turning one.

the wedding was beautiful, i really enjoyed myself.
when i woke up on sunday morning my first thought was of apple, and that she would be home soon, my second thought was how can i work it so fh does not come in the house.
in that second... i understood what was happening.
i have no desire to see him, or speak to him, or be with him in any capacity.
i gave up and let go.
i spent most of the morning in bed, crying. not because i was alone or he was gone.
but because i fought so hard, and for what feels like so long to get here.

i had felt this happening before sunday, as things have progressed... like i have said before there was just to much inside him that had changed. there were so many actions he had taken that i was both disappointed and embarrassed of.
but i dont think it truly sunk in until i was laying there on sunday morning.

i am not altogether proud of this to be honest its difficult for me to come to terms with the fact i have given up on him as a person, or a father, or a husband.
but i think it just happens over time.
you loose the most important elements of how you used to love someone-- trust, faith, and integrity--- when thats gone, it hits you like nothing else in the world ever will.