andre the giant.

This week has probably been one of the most draining in recent memory.
I have a lot of problems with apple's dad, and I have had a alot of stress in other areas in my life as well. Like I have said before 5 steps forward 3 steps back.
A good friend said to me the other day.."it will be great when you can get to a place when his choices and decisions don't affect you at all"
That statement is 100% correct.

You see, although waking up those few sundays ago and realizing that I did not want him to come home... I am still tied to this man for the rest of my life.
His choices and His actions continually affect us... emotionally and financially.


That alone is hard to deal with, but now add in the following.
I disliked what I did for a living before I had apple, and to be honest I had very little intention of ever going back. This was something that we both knew and we were both comfortable with.
I wanted to be a stay at home mum to apple.
That may not seem like your dream job, but it was mine.
It is now no longer a possibility. I have faced that, but here is the problem. How do i go back to a job i cant stand for 40hours a week and not resent him for that to?

To be clear, he does not want me to go back to work. He is not forcing the issue but i feel like i need some sort of financial security, for myself and apple-- to protect us.
I have lost so much in this process, and i am afraid to lose.

I feel like you get over one thing, and life slaps you in the face with the next.
I am not this girl, I never wanted to be a divorced single mum at 31. Who would?


Now...If this does not put a smile on your face I dont know what will.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that we went to a birthday party for our little friend V who lives on my street. She was turning 1.
The following is what I didnt tell you.
We arrived at the party about 25 minute late, so it was in full swing when we got there. I set apple down and let her run wild with the other kids...
I focused on talking to v's mum and dad and saying hi to the rest of the people i knew at the party.
When i turned back around to see how apple was doing, I noticed something very strange and something very scary. Apple was at least a full head taller then all the other babies. Seriously, a full head. I casually walked over to the kids and their mums and started asking "ohhh how old is he/she" Most responses scared the crap out of me..."18 months, 16 months, two years.."
All i could think is why in the hell is my baby so big? what in the hell is wrong with her? and where in the hell is the closest computer so i can google search the following:
"how do i know if my baby has the andre the giant disease"

what happened next was even more disturbing--- apple started stomping(yes i am not kidding... stomping) around the room ripping toys out of the other kids hands... and since she towered over all of them, they let her have them. Not to worry, I ran around behind her and made her give them all back.

So in my mind at that moment, apple was going to be the next andre the giant. I was imagining her career as a wrestler in my mind. It scared the shit out of me.

We seized, well... I seized the first opportunity I could to get out of there. Apple was exhausted from all of the stomping around the room so i put her right up to bed.
I ran down the stairs and started researching about apples new found ailment.
I was able to find "andre's" measurements as a young child online. So like any sane person I searched the house for a measuring tape, as luck would have it all i could find was the one from the garage.... you know the metal kind.

I ran back upstairs, and very quietly started to measure my sleeping child with the loudest metal tape measure ever. Carefully measuring and remeasuring her limbs and head.
Turns out, she is pretty normal.
I now think it's me that might have some sort of problem.