good days and bad days

I feel so many different emotions everyday. I can't remember if I did that before all this.
That's the strange thing about something like this happening to you, you can actually start to forget what you were like before.

One of my guy friends who has been going through something similar lately asked me the other day..."do you ever think that we will love the same again"
My answer right now is no.
I don't think what i got was worth all this.

To clarify... apple is worth it,apple is worth every ounce of pain i have and I would never ever change that.

But i guess what I am saying is that the last eight years of my life were not worth the pain that I have been in for the last 10 months of my life.
So it's a question of risk vs. reward in my mind.
Can I ever really risk giving myself to someone 100% if this is what can happen.

With that said, I have had a lot of good days recently.
I catch myself waking up happy, and going to bed with a smile on my face.
It's a great feeling.

Some other math came to me today that shocked me. In August he will have been gone from Apple's life.. for half her life. In August that beautiful little girl will be 19 months old. He left when she was just 9 and a half months.
That's a hard thing to write, just as I am sure it's a hard thing to read.

Now, I have gotten a few questions about the blog lately that I thought I should address here...

1. Did I send her the letter? and Who in the hell was on the blog from Henderson, Nevada(you can guess why people might wonder why)

--No I didn't send her the letter.. I am working that out in my head. I feel like at this point, It won't matter. She does not have children of her own, or was not married so I do not think she will understand what she has done at this point in her life. But it's up in the air.
--- Let me tell you I was just as surprised as all of you, I have no clue. (If you don't know what i am talking about-- there is a widget on the side that tells you who is on the blog and where they are from)
I have asked the people that might have a clue of how to send this blog to her, they said it was not them.
But.. yes it may have been her on here..To which I say... Welcome, and really nothing else.

2. What's with all The Band music.

--If you have to ask, then we have a problem. The Band is my favorite band of all time.. and in an effort to get back to me I have been listening to them a lot.

3. Does fh know about this and why do you call him that?

--i think i said it back in the first post that I call him fh, for former husband. I was told not to use his name to protect myself.
--he knows there is a blog, but to the best of my knowledge he does not know where or how to find it.... but if I'm wrong about that to... Then Welcome to you too.... don't know how you've been able to read this and not cry yourself to sleep each night.