Still some how.

I wish that I could draw a line in my life, a line that would divide the past from the future. A line that would make all of the messy stuff stay in the past and away from my thoughts. 

I am learning though that no such line exists. 

This is a very complicated process. It changes and evolves with each day, and because of that you must change and evolve with it. 

It is more then just him, apple and I. It is a huge circle of family and friends that have been effected by this. At this point, you watch these relationships evolve and change as well.... 

but we all move forward knowing that you can only do what works for each day-- and even then it might not ever be the same. 

I live with the words of my father in my head at all times. He has always said the following....

"there is a certain amount of shit in life you will have to eat.... but it doesn't mean you can't walk around the corner and spit it out"

Remember that....it can take you a long way. 

When it hits to close to home.

I don't think any of us out there are ever prepared for those dreaded phone calls from a friend tell us bad news.
I got a call on Monday from one of my favorite people on the planet. He has been a friend for a long time, someone that has always brought a smile to my face.
He has remained friends with both fh and I, through out all this-- he made it clear to me in the very beginning that although he did not agree with what fh had done, he would remain a friend.... because friends are with us through the bad and the good.
I respected him for doing that, and still do today.

This is a guy who has a job that takes him on the road a lot, But he still manages to call me weekly, if not twice weekly ... to make me laugh, or to help me through a bad day.... most of all he calls to check on apple and I and make sure we are ok.

His phone call was heart breaking. He is now in a situation similar to mine.
I watched my knuckles turn white when he told me, I felt the blood rush from my head, and had to sit myself down to take it all in.

When we hung up, I sobbed for him.
Knowing the pain and heartache he feels, knowing that things like this should not happen to people like us.
Knowing what it feels like to be told in that very simple way "I'm sorry I did not mean for this to happen, It just did.... You don't understand... I'm sorry"
Knowing every thought that races through your mind in the months to come are enough to make anyone crazy.
Knowing that you could ask 1000 questions, and you will never ever get the answer that you want.
Knowing that coming back from something like this can seem impossible.

Tonight when I said to him " I wonder why the good people get left behind?"
He replied.."Well if all the good people are getting left behind... I guess that means all the douche bags are up ahead-- and that's a good thing"

Something tells me he is going to be just fine.

better days.

Love looks a lot different then it used to.

It is no longer a word that I throw around easily. It is an emotion that I feel on a daily basis from the most unexpected places.
I'll explain....
A few weeks ago at a close friends birthday party, I watched as couple after couple trailed into the restaurant. I immediately knew I was going to be the lonely rider at the end of the table... I excused myself and went to the washroom, and when I came back... my friends had moved things around so i would be surrounded by others. not alone at the end of the table.
that is love.
On mothers day my neighbour friend stoped by with a gift a hug, and some amazing words of encouragement for me.
that is love.
One of my guy friends stoped by on saturday morning at 745am, with a coffee and a donut.
that is love.
The phone calls I get from my friends, not to ask "how's it going" but to tell me to "keep going"
that is love.

The way my daughter calls for me in the morning, and gives me the biggest smile in the world.
that is love.

This love is what keeps my head up. I at times feel like I am draining all of you that read this, because i know how hard it must be to know that I am still struggling....
But I still need to do this to get better.

I get angry a lot now, thinking of how he could be doing this differently or "better" in my eyes.
I have come to the conclusion that this is the best he can do at this point in his life.
To be totally honest with you, It is not good enough for me-- and that is ok. I expect the best when it comes to apple... actually I expect better then the best, I expect perfection. She deserves that.
I can't tell you how disappointed I am today, that he didn't take the extra time with apple this weekend. He should have, and that is all I can say. Nothing in this world should come before apple... nothing, and no one.
Tell me how this is going to get easier... when I feel like I am constantly going to be cleaning up his mess.

I'm getting to it...from l and oboy (you wouldn't get it)

There are so many great stories that I think about, that only he knows about. Cool stuff that happened, funny stuff, sad stuff... all of our memories over the last eight years... are just that only memories.
It's hard to look over the last years of your life and have them wiped out. There's not anyone here at night to say "remember when...." to.
No one wants to hear about those stories from me right now, it is to painful for them to hear about the past... as if never talking about it will delete it all from my life.

At this point I do not know what is worse, not remembering or remembering.
It is pretty easy to sit back and sugar coat my life, and to push all of the bad memories out.... believe me, I've done a lot of that.
Lately though, I have tried to remember that bad stuff too. I am still working on talking about the last day he lived here. I am working on it very slowly. My therapist tells me that once I get past the "recall" part... Remembering the rest and being able to piece together the time line will be easier.
Its not that I do not remember per say, Its more that I have blocked it all out from my mind because it is to hard to come to terms with.

oh, and he had a mustache.

Today was amazing for me. Well the last few days have been unbelievable.. but today was the best day i have had in a long time.
Not only is apple back to her old self... 3 hour afternoon naps, and waking up at 730... (any parents dream) but i am having some unbelievable progress with my life.

Today I went back to 2 different doctors appointments. Both for my heart. (In different ways)
First one went great. I am back on track from a physical standpoint in almost all the ways I need to be. I am keeping weight on, I am sleeping more... I am physically starting to heal from the damage I did to my body over the last few months.
The second one was even more rewarding. I went back to see the physiologist that I was originally sent to back in January. I have only met this man 3 times. I go to my councillor on a now bi weekly basis... But this guy is the real deal. My doctor refereed me to him for a clinical diagnosis.
He told me then that I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.
I didn't tell anyone this at the time, because of the shame and embarrassment of it. I kept thinking that if I didn't say it out loud it wasn't true.
But it was.
I am not afraid to say it now though. I am not ashamed of this... any of this, anymore. I am so proud of myself.
At the worst times in this, it was more horrifying then i can ever tell you. I honestly don't know how I came out on the other side alive. I was lost, so lost.

The good news for me is that he has seen great progress in me...He's not the only one. But he is the one with all the diplomas on the wall ,the round glasses and the accent.

We talked about a lot. Mostly how to keep going. How to keep this moving in the right direction.
How to reclaim my own life, not just for me but for my beautiful little girl.

Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I've lost.

Apple is on the mend!! We went to the doctors today, and after a "screaming" check up we discovered she had some sort of viral thing and an ear infection. We loaded up on drugs and came home with smiles on our faces knowing this new rage filled apple would be gone soon.

I am also on the mend. I feel it everyday. Sometimes in big waves, other times in little ripples. During the last few days I have been thinking a lot something, and i think i am ready to put it into words that make sense now.
When you start to heal from something like this, I have noticed there are days that I don't want to heal. I don't want to let the pain go, and I could never figure out why.
Until now.
It's because it is the last piece i still have of him, It is the last thing that connects me to him on any level other then him being the father of our daughter.
I think that is why a lot of people in my situation become so bitter and jaded. They are afraid that if they let go of the pain and the anger they no longer have anything that connects them to there old life... or to the person that left them behind.
I do not expect the pain to just go away one day, but i feel it less and less each day.
There are still days (many many days) I sit here and cry all night. I cry for what we were and what we could have been, but there are so many more days now, that I go to bed with a smile on my face and I wake up excited about the day ahead.

I am still really angry, my doctor and my therapist tell me that is where i need to be right now and i agree. It takes a certain amount of anger to get through this stuff.
But i don't want to be this way in 10 years, or 5 years.
I know i am not even close to being ready to talk about forgiveness.... But for me healing does not have to go hand in hand with forgiveness.

I am choosing today to not let this be what defines me.
I don't want him walking out on us to be the first thing that comes to mind when my name is said in someones casual conversation.

What i do want to define me is how i recovered from this, and what happens in the years to come. What I did to make sure apple and i have the best life we could.

I want apple to look at me and know with out any doubt that her mum did the best she could, I want her to be proud of me, I want her to understand what it took for us to get through this.
I want her to know that I fought for my family, I fought for her. I fought for what I thought was right.... but in the end I gave up to give us something even better than I ever could have imagined.

waiting games.

It has been a bad few days... apple is very under the weather.
As I have said this before, these are the days that send me over the edge of dealing with being alone.
She has been sick since Saturday, and let me tell you it is a lot to deal with.
Yesterday she cried for 2 hours straight. No break just screaming...

He did come over today to help... and it did.

But tonight like every other night recently I am alone, waiting to see if she is going to wake up or not.
I have had a lot of good days and things happening recently and I feel like days like this bring me down again.
I will write my real blog tomorrow to keep you all up to date on the good stuff.
Apples doctors apt. is tomorrow at 3, wish us luck.