Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I've lost.

Apple is on the mend!! We went to the doctors today, and after a "screaming" check up we discovered she had some sort of viral thing and an ear infection. We loaded up on drugs and came home with smiles on our faces knowing this new rage filled apple would be gone soon.

I am also on the mend. I feel it everyday. Sometimes in big waves, other times in little ripples. During the last few days I have been thinking a lot something, and i think i am ready to put it into words that make sense now.
When you start to heal from something like this, I have noticed there are days that I don't want to heal. I don't want to let the pain go, and I could never figure out why.
Until now.
It's because it is the last piece i still have of him, It is the last thing that connects me to him on any level other then him being the father of our daughter.
I think that is why a lot of people in my situation become so bitter and jaded. They are afraid that if they let go of the pain and the anger they no longer have anything that connects them to there old life... or to the person that left them behind.
I do not expect the pain to just go away one day, but i feel it less and less each day.
There are still days (many many days) I sit here and cry all night. I cry for what we were and what we could have been, but there are so many more days now, that I go to bed with a smile on my face and I wake up excited about the day ahead.

I am still really angry, my doctor and my therapist tell me that is where i need to be right now and i agree. It takes a certain amount of anger to get through this stuff.
But i don't want to be this way in 10 years, or 5 years.
I know i am not even close to being ready to talk about forgiveness.... But for me healing does not have to go hand in hand with forgiveness.

I am choosing today to not let this be what defines me.
I don't want him walking out on us to be the first thing that comes to mind when my name is said in someones casual conversation.

What i do want to define me is how i recovered from this, and what happens in the years to come. What I did to make sure apple and i have the best life we could.

I want apple to look at me and know with out any doubt that her mum did the best she could, I want her to be proud of me, I want her to understand what it took for us to get through this.
I want her to know that I fought for my family, I fought for her. I fought for what I thought was right.... but in the end I gave up to give us something even better than I ever could have imagined.