Everytime a bell rings.

A few weeks ago, while in therapy I was asked a very interesting question.... one that I think we should all ask ourselves.

If you had to chose one... and only one which would it be.

To care for... or be taken care of by your partner.

Right there....

I know you think your answer just popped in your head

So did I.

I was wrong.

Let's see if you were too.

At first my gut said "to care for". Because that's me.

That is what I do. I care for those around me.

My therapist stopped me when I tried to answer.

She told me to give it time. Two whole weeks in fact.

So I did.

Until Today.

I kept my feet firmly planted in the "care for" column for about 3 days.

Then I wavered.

I started to think about all of my past relationships and why they never worked.

Mostly I thought about the one I just got out of.

I have "cared for" in every serious relationship I have ever been in.

I don't remember a relationship that I have been in that I have been "taken care of".

I think most of it stems from the fact I have a really hard time giving up the control of what is going on around me.

Most of the time, I know I let myself think that I was being taken care of....

but being taken care of based on what someone else thinks you need is not really being taken care of.

I didn't make my voice heard, I accepted what someone else thought I needed as fact and continued to let myself believe that I getting all I needed.

When really I was just accepting what someone else thought was enough to give.

I need to be taken care of.

Bottom line.

It is difficult and almost shameful for me to admit, but I do.

I am told that the more I say it the less shameful it becomes.

I need to be taken care of... NO, still feels shameful.

Collectively my family and I love the movie "It's a Wonderful Life",

That movie is so full of love, strength, faith and friendship.. that I try to watch it a few times a year, Not just at Christmas.

We called it "looking for your Mary".

Trying to find that one true person that will walk with you through the fire.

George needed his Mary. Just as Mary needed her George.

I need to find my George.

127 includes 2 swears.

I wonder what she dreams about at night.

Sometimes late at night I wake up to her talking to herself.

I roll over and watch her on the video monitor with amazement.

Some nights she will lay there and talk to her self for twenty minutes before she falls back asleep.

I love this.... more than I could ever explain.

With each day more words come.... and so do some of the most profound... yet simple moments of my life.

A few nights ago, when I was tucking her into bed... without being prompted she said "love you mummy" as I was closing her door.

I told her I loved her and ran back in to give her another kiss.

After I shut the door that night, I sat at the top of the stairs and cried.

I honestly never imagined those words having any affect on me ever again.

Because "i love you" had become something that had been so callously said to me.

Just words, with nothing behind them.

But hearing them from her, my beautiful little girl was enough to melt my "cold dead heart".

There is a word that she doesn't say all that often.

Dad.

She still sees him once a week and every other weekend.... but he is just not a subject that comes up when she is with me.

It's odd to me that at two, maybe she knows he is not something I am ready to talk to her about.

I pray for the strength and the restraint when the questions come.

As recently as three weeks ago, he said to me in a heated argument

"you have no clue what it's like-- to be dealing with my life"

He is right.

I don't.

I have no clue what it must be like to not know all 127 words(yes i keep track) that she says off by heart... or that she jumped off the edge of the pool at swimming into my arms last week.

I have no clue what it must be like watch her grow up right before your eyes and not get to be a part of it daily.

So yeah.... I don't have a clue.

Thank god for that.

As I began to pack tonight I was filled with a sense of closure.

This close to last step of the puzzle is finally taking shape.

We are closing in on the last lap in our journey to get back home.

We can't wait.

Getting older.

I officially have a two year old.

Her birthday was the 19th.

We had a party for her over the weekend with a lot of our friends and family.

She was happier than I have ever seen her.

Her love was boiling over that day.

Most of her favorite people were in the room that day and she could barely contain herself.

Neither could I.

The joy I get from seeing her like that is like nothing I can explain.

All I can tell you; is that it is worth every ounce of pain that I have ever felt.

I felt a sense of pride that afternoon; one that I have been able to carry around with me most of this week.

As we all sang happy birthday; I whispered to her "we made it".

I know now she doesn't have a clue what I mean.

But one day she will.

One day she will know that I didn't break.

That I kept going for her.

I sat down last week and read my whole blog start to finish.

I had been meaning to focus on the entry about Apples last birthday; but I got stuck.

Stuck trying to remember what it was like back then.

Stuck with all those same emotions weighing heavy on my heart.

It has been one hell of a year since I started to write this blog.

It has provided me with some really amazing opportunities, and above all else strength.

I can only imagine what the next year holds for us.

I am finally in a place where I am excited and at peace with what is to come.

The one about the house; and the girls.

It's been some time.

I waited for a reason.

I wanted to be sure that I could tell you this.

It is SOLD and we are going home.

I have not yet been able to fully come to terms with what this means or let it sink in.

I am have been really down the last few days, a lot of it is financial stress but some of it is coming to terms with the fact that this is it....

This is the home I almost died in.

This is the home that I learned I was pregnant.

This is the home we brought her back to live in.

This is the home that she took her first steps in.

This is the home where she called me Mommy for the first time.

This is the home I came back to life in.

But my heart tells me that this isn't home.

Our home is anywhere we go together.

The place we are living in is just that.

A place.

Where promises were made and lives were changed forever.

March 15th will be a difficult day; But March 15th will also be the first day of the rest of our lives.

I know my life has had some serious ups and downs in the last year; but nothing could have prepared me for today.

Today we made some new friends.

One of my closest friends teaches at a high school, and has been sharing the blog with her students.

Today we met.

Today they made us feel welcome and special and loved.

These are beautiful girls, each and every one of them with different stories to share; who wanted nothing more than to sit and talk and watch Apple destroy there classroom.

I struck me today on the way home from this; that I wish at 15 or 16 someone would have pulled me aside and told me that at 32 I would feel just as lost some days as I did then.

I am so glad to have had the opportunity to talk to them today.

It is not a day I will ever forget.

I won't forget the message that my friend left for me when I got home either.

Her words were some of the kindest that I have ever heard; and today for the first time in a really long time I not only listened to the words that she said but I felt inside of me without doubt that they were true.

These are some of our new friends; with my best girl.

I know you are probably reading this in your last class of the year today with that amazing teacher of yours.....

So from the bottom of our hearts;

Thank you.

The Frame.

Last december I threw out a frame.

Every time I walked by the god dame thing I would scream cry or have some sort of rage fit.

Yes, Every time.

The frame was a wedding gift; from who.... I don't remember.

It was wooden and had an inscription on the front that read..

"All Because Two People Fell In Love"

Back then it felt like an attack.

Like each time was the realization that my husband had fallen in love with someone else.

I think I went at that frame with a hammer, a can of febreze and threw old gross cat litter on top of it... just to make sure it was really really broken.

No matter what I did.... or what I do, I can't get those words out of my head.

"All Because Two People Fell In Love"

It's only now that I can see that the reason I was so mad at that stupid frame was because I was so angry that I let my self fall in love with someone that would do something like this.

When I heard those words "All Because Two People Fell In Love" in my head I was ashamed.

Ashamed of him for what was done, and ashamed to actually be the girl who let it happen.

But time changes things.

Now, when I hear those same words in my head, I think of Apple.

She exists "All Because Two People Fell In Love", and for that I am blessed.

I now feel and have for sometime, that this is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Yes, this whole thing has become one of the biggest blessings in my life.

I can fully admit, that I am happier now than I ever have been.

I am a better version of that girl I kept searching for in the mirror.

I am myself. Finally and happily.

I am lonely and crusty somedays, but I am dealing with it knowing this:

I get a do over, on my own terms and in my own way at no fault of my own.

Why?

"All Because Two People Fell In Love"

Love is the reason we do 70% of the things we do in life,

We change things about ourselves and our world for the ones we love.

We fix things about ourselves for the ones we love.

We do a lot of shit we really don't want to do for the ones we love.

We fight harder and push longer for the ones we love.

We sacrifice for the ones we love.

"All Because Two People Fell In Love"

It is just that simple.

When the punishment fits the crime.

This one took forever.

It has taken me two solid weeks to write and re write the words to this post.

I would write then delete, then undo then undo the undo.

It felt harsh and cold, which is not where I am today in my heart... but it is the reality in which I live.

With christmas around the corner the push and pull of where we go is ever present.

We are back and fourth from that place we call home 3 or 4 times in the next week or so.

Trying to arrange drop offs and pick ups can be overwhelming on the best of days, but during the holidays it often feels more stressful.

A part of me hates that this is how our life is, but another part is so glad that she will never know any different.

He will always have her on boxing day, that won't ever change. That is his christmas day with Apple, mine is Christmas eve and Christmas day.

It had been decided 8 months ago, and it is understood how our holidays and birthdays work.

There was no arguing when it was decided. Just acceptance on both sides that this is the way it was going to be.

I respect him for that.

As much as it must hurt to not see her on Christmas day, I believe that it is something that he feels he could give to me in an effort to make things right.

Last year Christmas was a blur. I don't really remember most of it to be honest. I know where I was and I know what I did... but I wasn't really there.

I am crazy excited about the holidays this year. I can't wait t

o see her face when she opens up her presents. (she has had some practice--- she thought it would be a good idea to open up a gift or two early last week)

I can't wait to watch her in her jammies that match her cousins.

I can't wait to watch her dance with excitement when she likes her presents.

I can't wait to see her smile her big smile... the one she gives me when she is in love with the world around her.

Although there are hardships being a single parent.... there is good stuff that people don't tell you.

There is something to be said for knowing that everyday until she has her own family;

She will wake up with me on christmas day and we will smile those big smiles at each other.... and understand each other like only her and I can....

The happiness that this girl brings me is the best gift I have ever been given.

Merry Christmas from Apple and I.

xo

(one more post before christmas coming at some point in the next 2 days; I had to break todays post into 2)

Really? Yeah. Really.

My life in general provides both my family and my friends with laughter.

It's not always in the ways that I would like, sometimes well actually most of the time it is the sheer volume of embarrassing things that happen to me on any given day.

On Sunday, I went to my niece's baptism. I am one of her god mothers.

I think a relevant part of the story is to tell you up front that I am not catholic.

I don't pretend to be either, I curse like a sailor and don't go to church on a regular basis.

For starters, I knew apple was not going to do well in church.

I can't get her to sit still at home on the couch for ten minutes... so i was positive that the likely hood of her doing so a church would be slim to none, especially because she doesn't understand the whole "i'll put the fear of god in you thing"

Apple with some help from me scaled the pew to get to my parents sitting behind us.... who were able to control her far better than I.... which allowed me to take part in my first official godparent duty.

I had to make a cross on my niece's forehead.

The two other god parents went before me and I didn't really pay any attention to what finger they used so I just used good old peter pointer.

If you are catholic than you are probably laughing right now....

This anglican girl didn't know that she was supposed to use her thumb.

I still don't get why, but apparently it is just what you do,

who knew that your thumb was more holy then peter pointer....

After that Apple started to get a bit crazy... not really crazy just loud.

So I decided it was time for me to get her out of the church for a bit. We went to the front of the church and I let her walk around for a bit. Which was making things a lot better until she saw a cat outside.

She ran to the door and started screaming "KITTY" KITTY". (not just twice, probably close to 25 times) People were starting to turn around in the back three isles and I knew that she was just going to get louder, so I opened the door so we could go outside and see the cat.

But the cat had other ideas.

It scooted into the back of the church much to the delight of Apple.

I without thinking set Apple down and ran for the Cat.

I caught it quickly, and turned around to see something scarier then a cat in a catholic church.

Apple had both hands on the rope dangling from the celling.

That rope rings the church bell.

So... I ran with a cat in one arm over to apple and scooped her up with great force... which caused some crying and headed outside in FREEZING cold weather with no coat.

My dad came outside seconds later to relieve me from my duties so I could go up and finish my godparent duties at the front of the church.

Which I did... without any other incidents. Well, other then the fact I wondered to myself if holy water tasted like sweat.

That was Sunday.

Today was a new day.... Today I started a new job.

New on a lot of levels, but to be honest.... It is something that I know a lot about... So I didn't have a lot of fears of it not going well.

It did go well.

It actually went great.

Despite the fact that with in the first two hours of being on the job I "BY ACCIDENT" hit the silent alarm at the front desk which caused the police to show up within two minutes of me hitting the alarm "BY ACCIDENT".

Hours later I fixed the Christmas tree at work, much to the delight of my boss.

She told me that fixing it all but cancelled out the fact I hit the alarm "BY ACCIDENT" and that I could keep my job.

I'll let you know how day two goes.