where my mind goes.

I think about something alot.
I have yet to write about it but i think about it every single day since he left.

This is probably one of the most difficult blogs i will ever write, but it needs to be said.

Two years ago this month I almost died. He found me on our couch barely breathing, he called an ambulance and I was taken to the hospital and hooked up to every machine known to man kind.

The first thing I remember waking up and seeing his face, that was the first thing i remember his face.
i knew something terrible had happened. I had never seen him look like that. the pain in his face, the tears streaming down his face. he held my hand so tightly.
without warning my parents were in the room, and i realized how bad it was. I was in and out of conciseness for the better part of the day . its all pretty blurry.

Here is the hard part, this is very difficult for me to write.. but i wonder if he wishes he didnt. i constantly wonder if he regrets saving me.
i understand how it sounds.
i am not slighting him as an individual. i am not trying to give the impression he is some kind of moster, that would want me dead. that's not it.
you see this statement although about him, really isnt at all.
you see its about me, wondering if its possible for a person to change so much that they would do everything differently.

thats it. i honestly cant write anymore about this right now. its just to hard for me. but thats where i am at, and thats what i am dealing with.
its something i am working on....
but lets be clear my life is worth living, i will never give up on me. i will never give up for apple.