needing something to believe in

this blog feels like it is going to be a long-ie.
i am sorry in advance.

this last few days has been emotionally and physically draining, i have the dark circles and beautiful growth on my lip to prove it.
apple wasnt feeling well over the weekend, on saturday she woke up with a huge fever.... which scares me. i wasnt able to help her break the fever until 430am. so needless to say it was a long night. this has happened to us before and there is no rhyme or reason to it.
atleast it is not fifths!!! thank god we didnt get that! here is hoping that my other nephew does not get it from the rest of the kids at school this week.

i have a hard time when i am alone and apple is sick. i get pretty down about being on my own then. believe
i struggle mostly because i feel like i didnt sign up to do this alone.
now... he can say that i didnt ask him for his help that night.. but how do you if you are me? knowing that he is with someone else... actually physically with them at that moment?
you don't. you take care of your baby, on your own... because thats what life looks like now.
there is 100% something so amazing being the one that your child wants when they are sick, its the way apple looks as me as if to say, thank god your here. that is what makes it bearable for me at 3 am, her little head on my chest, and her hand in mind.

over the weekend i went to a funeral for fh's aunt. i was there along with the rest of his family, all of them except of the immediate family... do not know that he left us.
i went to show support for his mum , to pay my respects to his aunt , and because thats the kind of person i am.
our time alone, was needless to say... not great, as explained in my previous post, i am finding more and more difficult to be around him, because of the things that he has said and done.
at the visitation and funeral itself, i was asked several times---- yes several when we were going to have our next child. chills ran down my spine. part of me wanted to scream..... the other part just wanted to cry. (and did... in horrific sobs later)

i listened closely to what the minister said... (some of which scared the shit out of me... liver serpent, damnation to hell etc) he spoke for a bit of how a there is a time when a family must lift each other up, when we all must take turns to rally around the person that has fallen and help them to stand back up. If i had a few minutes with the minister alone i would have asked him something,
how do you help someone that does not think they need it? how do you support someone when you disagree with 90% of there actions?
i truly dont know the answer this. my only thought is that i am no longer part of the group or family that can help him.
i do pray constantly for him. i truly do. i do pray that there are people around him that will help him, not to "get home" but to get back to who he is and recover from all this.

on a daily basis, i find out more things that drive me further and further away from the person that he has become. it makes me sad tonight.