im kinda like the green hulk... but my clothes dont rip.

its been awhile. but i am back.
there are alot of reasons for it being awhile... some of which i will get into and some i wont.
the last 2 weeks i have been all over the place with emotion. i have thought and felt a million different ways, but i have ended up here... which is truly where i need to be.

i have graduated to anger on a new level. i have been truly blinded by my own pain..and though i knew the real person to lose was apple i dont think it had ever sunk in until this week.
i went to meet my family in florida for a week long much need break. it was everything i needed it to be relaxing, fun and time away from this mess.
something unexpected happened to me while i was there, i finally started to see what he has done to apples life... as i read that it seems like some drastic statement about how he has ruined her life.... that is not what i mean. i mean she gets 20% of his time... there are no family vacations, or daddy everyday at breakfast... the normal stuff isnt something she will have with him. it makes me angry. she asked for him every single day we were there... she asks for him every day he is not here. who is left to explain? i am.
i guess what i am saying is that we were not part of the thought process... i dont think that he weighed it out.

he dissipointed me on so many levels in these last two weeks.... he did so many questionable things that made me face the facts. i dont like the person he is today. he is not someone that i would want to be with if i met him today.
he is truly missing some core values that i want in people that surround me. i am being hurtful with these words, i am being honest... about what i feel and what i think.
i am not judging him for these changes. i have just come to terms with the fact that he changed.
he is not the man i married, he is not the man i planned my life with.
the person i see monday, thursdays and every other weekend is a stranger.

something has clicked, something has changed. i feel stronger then ever, i feel like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.
i just want apple and i to move on from all of this as happy and as healthy as possible.

a close friend asked me yesterday.... how do you get to sleep at night knowing he is with her.... it took me awhile but i have my anwser.
i know at the end of everyday i did my best that day, with apple, with my family, with my friends. i know that i put others first when they needed something, i know that my day was full of love and support from the ones that matter, i know that i tried and i fought as hard as i could.
thats how i get to sleep at night.

no 5 things.... because i feel life i have 50, and thats a step in the right direction.