Just dismal.

Another week comes and goes and although I am empty, I am full at the same time.

I struggle with the anger and resentment that now lives in my heart.

At first, I had convinced myself that this "anger" would lessen and I would start to heal from it, but right now.... It is the same.

Not because of what he did, but because of the new problems that present themselves on a regular basis.

I feel like this will never end.

I think about things like Halloween, and how it is on his weekend-- and the argument that will come when I tell him that she will be here with me.

I think about her tears when I put her in her dad's car and how I can't explain to her that she will back in twenty seven hours....

I think about the tension and arguing that happens when he is around.

These things will never go away, This is my forever.

excuse me miss.

Lately, I have doubt in myself.

I am sure all of you reading this do as well.

There are days... so many of them, where I doubt my choices and most importantly I doubt my feelings.

Sometimes things seem so clear to me... almost like I can see the future.

I can see that we will be fine, I can see pure happiness in my life, I can see the life I always wanted happening for us

It's so real... It's so close.....

Then, the dark cloud of doubt sinks in.

Within minutes I can talk myself out of what I am feeling and thinking and convince myself that things will be complete and utter shit for the rest of my life.

How is this possible?

That I can feel so good some days and so "complete and utter shit" others.

I don't think I will ever know the answer.

Funny thing is, today is not one of the bad days.

I have pushed harder then ever this week.

I have made a lot of progress on things that were really hard for me to do, but i finished what I had to do, and I am on to the next step.

There is something that I have been reminding myself of a lot lately that my grandpa used to say to me;

"Never fight an ugly person, cause they got nothing to lose"

Remember, ugly isn't always on the outside.

It's called a rally for a reason.

I took some time off. Almost two weeks.

I had a reason.

My real estate agent came here on monday.

He had some not so nice things to say.

Mostly that I had a great deal of work to do, and that my house might not sell for the amount I originally thought.

When he left, I sat down and cried. I was overwhelmed with the amount of work that would need to be done, and that I was alone to deal with it.

Slowly I regained composure. Slowly my phone began to ring... with calls asking how it went.

I told each one of them the story.

Very quickly before I could even second guess myself.. a plan was put into place.

Family and friends were here around the clock from that night on.

I noticed through out this week that my family and friends don't ever say,

"let me know if you need anything" they say... "i will be there wednesday at 7"

Without being asked, without being promised favors, without anything.... they were here and I finally got it.

I am not alone.

I never was.

On Wednesday, I dropped apple off at home with my parents.

When I got back to my house the sign was up. (the for sale sign)

It took me to a new place.

I was messy.

I was miserable.

I was devastated.

I was doubting everything I thought I wanted.

I talked to a friend.... one who knows that sometimes I need to be told things harshly..

the words they said calmed me down.

With that I took one of the hardest nights head on.

I sat with one of my best friends and got rid of all the things of "us" I knew were in the house... and some that I had forgotten about.

We came across an email he had written to me at the beginning of our relationship, and like any girl would do.... I read it.

His words were so real, so true, so honest.... It is easy to see now, why I ended up where I did.

He told me the things that every person on earth wants to hear, that they will never be alone, and that nothing will ever come before "us" and that he could and would never love anyone more....

But that is all they were... just his words, years ago... that i believed in.

Words that I chose to believe in.

I realize now more than ever that it is the actions a person takes that are so much more important then the words they say.

Since that night, I have made great strides.

I have still had to push myself to see the bright sides of my choices... but the great part is they are there.

The bright side to my life shines everymorning at 7am... and everytime the phone rings to hear a friendly voice ... and everytime i pull into the city i call home.

I went to a physic a few weeks back with some friends.

She told me something that I think I instinctively already knew...

"everything you need in your life is already in your there"

I get it now.

I finally do.

She's got Green eyes.

I was one of those people that said that my relationship would always come before my child.

We had talked about that before apple came. That we would put each other first no matter what.

It doesn't happen that way, and news flash it shouldn't.

I believe we say these things to make ourselves think that we are invinciable as a couple, that nothing and no one can come between us.

I will tell you today and I will stand by this until the day I am gone from this world, that I put apple first. I did from day one.

For the first months of her life, I felt like she never slept.

It is so hard for me to explain what it was like in those first 6 months, but all I can tell you is I was tired.

I was always so tired.

It was broken sleep when I did get some, because I was always waiting, always worried, always aware of the cries that would shortly be coming.

She became my priority, She became what mattered.

I took on my new job full steam, never looking back.

I started a routine to get her to sleep.... and I was relentless. Some might have considered me crazy or anal, but I never cared. Like I said, I was just so tired.

The reason I am telling you this is because I have thought a lot about the why's lately.

I wonder a lot if it was this "priority" shift that I had that sent him elsewhere.

It's not that he stopped mattering, It's just that Apple mattered more.

I wanted to balance, but it was impossible at the time.

My life completely changed the day she came into it.

His did not.

He still had the time to go out on the weekends, and fly to vegas, and go to the gym at night.

It's not that he didn't "allow" me the same things, but I just wanted different things.

I wanted to get up early on Sundays with her and go for a walk, I wanted to spend Saturdays at Storybrook Gardens.... Don't let this be misleading, I love a good rip it up night... but they are just so much less important to me then they used to be.

So now, I do all those things I want and the great part is I do them with out anger or resentment.

I used to be upset that he would not want to go or be occupied with other things...

Now, it's just us.. doing things the way we want.

The other night, she wasn't sleeping well. I went up to sit with her for a bit and hold her...

I tell her the same things every night before she goes to bed.

"apple, you know we are going to be ok right?" and she'll say "yeah"

"apple, you know you are mummy's best girl right?" and she'll say "yeah"

"apple, mummy loves you" and she'll say "yeah"

this night however was different it was her that did the talking.

she took my face in her hands and said "good mama" and i said "yeah"