To begin, again.

More often then not these days, I am great again.

Recently I went to an event with some friends and a woman I don't well came up to me and said "you'd never know anything was wrong with you.... you carry yourself so well"

In the moment; I thanked her and walked away.

It got me thinking.... actually for weeks it got me thinking. I actually haven't stopped thinking about this comment since the moment it was said out loud.

Many times I wanted to email her and ask " what the hell did you mean by that?"

I think there is a misconception that I am some how "less of a person" than I was a year ago.

Maybe that because I will be a 32 year old divorced single mum, I should feel the need to hide out and to be say less unwilling to share this part of my life with people.

It's not that I don't feel the shame in this, or the embarrassment..

I do still, daily.

I feel like I failed my daughter.

I feel like I failed my parents and my grandparents.

I feel this yes, still daily.

I refuse to run from this, or hide away like I did something wrong but to tell you this next part may sound like I am doing just that.

I have decided that apple and I are going to move back to the city I am from.

We are going home.

I have spent weeks, if not months making this decision.

I did not take it lightly and weighed all of the pros and cons like any good girl with ocd would.

The pros....they far out weighed the cons.

For example:

a pro being my dad will pick up dog poo in my backyard

a con being my dad will will be over everyday to pick up the dog poo

It's a new chapter

It's a new adventure

It's re learning how to drive 35 in a posted 50 with out honking and giving the finger.

come back and haunt me.

I melted down last week. Worse then I would like to admit.

Her moving here.... it really started to get ahold of me. I thought I had gotten passed it, and it just stopped me dead in my tracks.

It hit Thursday night and lasted right through until Monday.

For the life of me I could not shake it. I couldn't call get a handle on myself.... and I 100% shut down.

I didn't answer the phone, I didn't call anyone, I didn't do anything.

I knew there were things that could get me out of the place I was in.

I chose not to do them.

For no other reason then I feel like my story is old--- I shouldn't care about this.

But I did... for those days nothing seemed worse to me then having her here in this city.

I figured out why I had gotten so upset originally, and from there I tried to find my way out of this mess.

You see the simple truth is...I am humiliated.

Not only did my husband have an affair for months on end, but he then proceeded to move her here---

(I know as some of you read this... you say to yourself "get over it" I can only tell you that until this happens to you, you will never ever have any idea of what this feels like---- my only advice to you, is if you don't like what you read, then please just stop reading)

On Tuesday of this week a reader made a comment on my blog that changed my humiliation into the most positive boost of energy I could have asked for. (thanks so much for the comment)

There were also a few great people who gave me the kick in the ass i needed to snap out of it.

Someone pretty smart said to me that "as long as your just taking side steps and not going backwards your going a good job"

So i'm back to this new normal place, where life looks good and I feel a lot like a girl i used to know, I just got stuck on a side step.

Not sort of like one, It was one.

Apple is getting another four teeth.

In a way I am grateful... she only has 6 and that is strange for a 17month old.

I had already made her a dentist apt to figure out if she was missing some of them.

Apple goes haywire when she gets teeth. She doesn't eat well, or nap well, most of the time she is up screaming in the middle of the night ... and gets up ridiculously early.

All and all its a nightmare.

To lighten the mood on Monday, I took her to the splash pad close to out house.

The first fifteen minutes were great, she was happy... I was happy. I even half ass attempted to talk to some of the other mothers that were there. Big step as normally, I just stand there with that deer caught in the headlights look.

I noticed one of them, the one with the biggest diamond i have ever seen checking my hand for my ring.

I adjusted my hand behind my back like I always do, but the shameful look on my face probably gives her the answer she was looking for.

Then the unthinkable happened.

A young boy stood on the water cannon that Apple wanted to. He was 7 or 8 and heavy set.

She attempted to push him away... but he was having none of it. He stood his ground and would not move. (at this point I am looking around at these other mothers thinking -- which ever one of you owns that one, go the hell over there and get him off that water cannon)

None of them moved.

At this point Apple dropped down on all fours and proceeded to scream. Not just the "mum i really want a freezie scream" the kind of scream that tells you she is getting four teeth and she wants to hurt this little boy.

I ran over to get her up and show her the other 75 water cannons going off... (and maybe kick this little boy) and as I bend down to pick her up something very horrific happens in a very short amount of time.

The water cannon from underneath me starts to go off.

I am paralyzed because within seconds water is shooting at a very powerful rate of speed up my shorts, through my underwear and yes up my ass.

It was not good.

In fact was so not good that I scream " What the Fu$k!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs.

(This is something Apple has heard several times believe me, I am in the process of teaching her earmuffs)

Now.... I see some movement from the other mothers.

Running to shield the children's ears from the profanity filled single mother at the splash pad who just got an enema.

I need to stop with the google search.

Apple's new thing is freezies. She loves them. She would eat an entire bag of them if i would let her. Which I don't. Ok, sometimes I go overboard... but not all the time.

Apple can't say freezie, instead of learning the word she goes up to the freezer and hammers her little fists against said freezer in a fit of rage.

Its actually really funny.

So a few days ago, I gave her my favorite flavor of freezie - white (due to its stainless feature)

after dinner while she was still in her high chair.

I used this opportunity to get the kitchen cleaned up from dinner and to eat my own dinner.

After about 5 minutes of being a neglectful parent, I noticed that Apple was being a bit rammy in her chair... more rammy and cranky then a child should be when they have a freezie.

So, I checked and the freezie was gone. Not just the white frozen part but the entire plastic part. I looked everywhere for the freezie wrapper, took off clothes, searched diaper, scoured the floor,rechecked the diaper, the highchair.... you get the point.

It was at this point I have convinced myself that Apple has eaten the plastic part in some sort of freezie feeding frenzy.

Quickly I google search "eating the plastic part to a freezie" then i realize i don't know the proper way to spell freezie (as you all probably noticed at the beginning of this blog)

So I change it to "eating plastic"---- bottom line-- not good.

So I get her up and put on fresh clothes and debate how I am going to call my parents to meet us at the hospital due to a freak freezie accident, and how my dad is going to scream at me.

Then by the grace of god, something catches my eye.... It's a very shinny spot on my dogs back...Well not shinny per say, but more like the way it looks when you don't rinse the shampoo out of your hair.

With a closer inspection, It is the freezie... both the white part and the plastic part... Which has dried in minutes and has attached itself to his fur.

As a negligent parent I also did not notice him spinning in circles trying to get the dame thing off his back.

And that is the story of the freezie and the dog fur.

Viva La Hova helped too.

Good with the bad this week, a lot has happened.

I never know how to start or what to say with some of this stuff.

So... here it goes.

She is moving here. (I actually have some doubt about the "is" part and I sort of think she already has been)

How do I feel about it?

Well...day one was hard. I was messy. I had a hard time figuring out why I was so upset ..If you don't want to be with someone anymore then why does it matter?

I spent a lot of the day thinking about this and came to some pretty amazing conclusions.

Bottom line , I am not ready to have her around my daughter. I am not yet at a place where I can be "OK" with them meeting or being around each other.

So how when I do not trust him, do I trust the fact that he won't betray me again?

I don't know the answer to this yet... but I am working on it.

Secondly, I don't feel ready to see her. Here is why....

I want to be in a place where I do not yell or scream or swear at her. I want to be the girl I know I am. I want to be the bigger person.

Right now I am not that person.

I am angry with her, for all the reasons that you can already imagine and some you could probably never understand.

I spent the day and night coming to terms with how I felt and why.

To be honest it was a relief not be crying over the loss of him.

I reached out to a friend late that night, and they said something that I will never ever forget:

"why fear seeing the two of them holding hands walking around the city?

just remember who's hand you'll be holding"

It's funny... So many people told me that it would never work between them...

Let's be honest, I can't name one person that didn't say that to me.

But I knew in my heart since he walked out the door that he would do everything in his power to make it work with her... and it has.

Good for them? Well... sort of.

I am glad that I get this opportunity to change the course of my life.

Looking back we were on his course, not mine-

Now- I am making choices for Apple and I on a daily basis that make us happy and safe.

I am in control again, and it feels good.

Just as an FYI,

Day two was awesome... I saw a lot of my favorite people and had a blast.

Day three was great enjoyed a girls day with apple.

Day four... even better.....

I'm getting better at this aren't I?

Got a funny blog tomorrow for you all about freezes and dog fur.