where my mind goes.

I think about something alot.
I have yet to write about it but i think about it every single day since he left.

This is probably one of the most difficult blogs i will ever write, but it needs to be said.

Two years ago this month I almost died. He found me on our couch barely breathing, he called an ambulance and I was taken to the hospital and hooked up to every machine known to man kind.

The first thing I remember waking up and seeing his face, that was the first thing i remember his face.
i knew something terrible had happened. I had never seen him look like that. the pain in his face, the tears streaming down his face. he held my hand so tightly.
without warning my parents were in the room, and i realized how bad it was. I was in and out of conciseness for the better part of the day . its all pretty blurry.

Here is the hard part, this is very difficult for me to write.. but i wonder if he wishes he didnt. i constantly wonder if he regrets saving me.
i understand how it sounds.
i am not slighting him as an individual. i am not trying to give the impression he is some kind of moster, that would want me dead. that's not it.
you see this statement although about him, really isnt at all.
you see its about me, wondering if its possible for a person to change so much that they would do everything differently.

thats it. i honestly cant write anymore about this right now. its just to hard for me. but thats where i am at, and thats what i am dealing with.
its something i am working on....
but lets be clear my life is worth living, i will never give up on me. i will never give up for apple.

its all about the change.

what do you think of the change?
i love it.... i think so much about nyc, i thought it would be nice to log in and see it on a daily basis... and to remember that apple and i will be there soon.

tonights blog is going to be a little different... its a 20 questions thing

1. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
- the first thing i can remember is an archaeologist. i even took it as far as to chip away at some sort of screw in the brick at the side of our house for the better part of two days... i am sure my parents were thrilled with this.

2. What have you done in the past week to help someone else?
-yes, i try to every single day. i am a helper and a fixer by nature. i come by it honestly. (meet my parents and you will understand)

3. Who is the best-dressed person you know?
-Julie, even in sweats this girl looks amazing.

4. What is on your nightstand?
-lamp, baby tylenol ,my new joe torre book and some water

5. If you were a cat, what kind of a cat would you be?
-honestly, i would be a really fickle cat like oussie and monsie

6. If you lived in a house surrounded by acres of trees, what particular type of tree would you want flourishing on your land?
- weeping willows

7. What do you find to be very overrated?
- over planned nights out

8. How many email addresses do you have?
- two, one for hotmail and the other is on my blackberry

9. Have you ever felt replaced?
-Yes.

10. Would you rather watch football or baseball?
-baseball

11. What is the wallpaper on your phone?
-come on, its apple... of course

12. Name a lyric from the song you're listening to.
-everyone is running and i come to find the refuge in the easy silence you create for me.

13. Do you use a feed reader?
- no--- no clue how i would

14. What chocolate do you always leave in the box?
- anything with cherrys in it

15. What would you do if you found out your ex is engaged?
- not good.

16. Do words hurt you?
-Yes, too often.

17. Are you a talker or a listener
- i want to say both

18. Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
-yes, i have also ran, as i was being chased by police and i had open alcohol and i was 15

19. Who is your favorite professional athlete?
-derek jetter

20. Which TV show have you seen pretty much every episode of?
-friends and sex in the city

new song... ohh, its a good one.

so, another busy few days have come and gone and here we are on friday nap time. its one of my favorite times of the day.... not because she is asleep but because of how happy she is when she wakes up. she is always happiest after her nap..... she wakes up so excited to see me.
the latst few days with apple have been amazing, she is learning so much everyday.... now she says done!! and wipes her hands when she is finished dinner.

the last few days for me have been hot and cold, i went with a great friend on a little trip to toronto for a basketball game, and had a great time. alot of laughs and alot of good conversation. i find that when i talk to her, i work things out in my head alot quicker. she is an amazing person that seems to have such a great outlook on life, and i sometimes wish that i could be more like her.
i talked to her alot about how i am feeling at this point and something that i have been thinking alot about lately. foundations.
i think that each of us has a foundation....one built of our family, friends, our careers and most of all our own morals and values. i think that sometimes its where we get lost.... because we can get a crack in our personal foundations... a bad choice in a friend or a lack of interest in work, i think those things change us as people.
my foundation is as strong as it could be right now. i am gaining strength each day... understanding more, growing more... and most of all trying to let in the good stuff.

needing something to believe in

this blog feels like it is going to be a long-ie.
i am sorry in advance.

this last few days has been emotionally and physically draining, i have the dark circles and beautiful growth on my lip to prove it.
apple wasnt feeling well over the weekend, on saturday she woke up with a huge fever.... which scares me. i wasnt able to help her break the fever until 430am. so needless to say it was a long night. this has happened to us before and there is no rhyme or reason to it.
atleast it is not fifths!!! thank god we didnt get that! here is hoping that my other nephew does not get it from the rest of the kids at school this week.

i have a hard time when i am alone and apple is sick. i get pretty down about being on my own then. believe
i struggle mostly because i feel like i didnt sign up to do this alone.
now... he can say that i didnt ask him for his help that night.. but how do you if you are me? knowing that he is with someone else... actually physically with them at that moment?
you don't. you take care of your baby, on your own... because thats what life looks like now.
there is 100% something so amazing being the one that your child wants when they are sick, its the way apple looks as me as if to say, thank god your here. that is what makes it bearable for me at 3 am, her little head on my chest, and her hand in mind.

over the weekend i went to a funeral for fh's aunt. i was there along with the rest of his family, all of them except of the immediate family... do not know that he left us.
i went to show support for his mum , to pay my respects to his aunt , and because thats the kind of person i am.
our time alone, was needless to say... not great, as explained in my previous post, i am finding more and more difficult to be around him, because of the things that he has said and done.
at the visitation and funeral itself, i was asked several times---- yes several when we were going to have our next child. chills ran down my spine. part of me wanted to scream..... the other part just wanted to cry. (and did... in horrific sobs later)

i listened closely to what the minister said... (some of which scared the shit out of me... liver serpent, damnation to hell etc) he spoke for a bit of how a there is a time when a family must lift each other up, when we all must take turns to rally around the person that has fallen and help them to stand back up. If i had a few minutes with the minister alone i would have asked him something,
how do you help someone that does not think they need it? how do you support someone when you disagree with 90% of there actions?
i truly dont know the answer this. my only thought is that i am no longer part of the group or family that can help him.
i do pray constantly for him. i truly do. i do pray that there are people around him that will help him, not to "get home" but to get back to who he is and recover from all this.

on a daily basis, i find out more things that drive me further and further away from the person that he has become. it makes me sad tonight.

im kinda like the green hulk... but my clothes dont rip.

its been awhile. but i am back.
there are alot of reasons for it being awhile... some of which i will get into and some i wont.
the last 2 weeks i have been all over the place with emotion. i have thought and felt a million different ways, but i have ended up here... which is truly where i need to be.

i have graduated to anger on a new level. i have been truly blinded by my own pain..and though i knew the real person to lose was apple i dont think it had ever sunk in until this week.
i went to meet my family in florida for a week long much need break. it was everything i needed it to be relaxing, fun and time away from this mess.
something unexpected happened to me while i was there, i finally started to see what he has done to apples life... as i read that it seems like some drastic statement about how he has ruined her life.... that is not what i mean. i mean she gets 20% of his time... there are no family vacations, or daddy everyday at breakfast... the normal stuff isnt something she will have with him. it makes me angry. she asked for him every single day we were there... she asks for him every day he is not here. who is left to explain? i am.
i guess what i am saying is that we were not part of the thought process... i dont think that he weighed it out.

he dissipointed me on so many levels in these last two weeks.... he did so many questionable things that made me face the facts. i dont like the person he is today. he is not someone that i would want to be with if i met him today.
he is truly missing some core values that i want in people that surround me. i am being hurtful with these words, i am being honest... about what i feel and what i think.
i am not judging him for these changes. i have just come to terms with the fact that he changed.
he is not the man i married, he is not the man i planned my life with.
the person i see monday, thursdays and every other weekend is a stranger.

something has clicked, something has changed. i feel stronger then ever, i feel like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.
i just want apple and i to move on from all of this as happy and as healthy as possible.

a close friend asked me yesterday.... how do you get to sleep at night knowing he is with her.... it took me awhile but i have my anwser.
i know at the end of everyday i did my best that day, with apple, with my family, with my friends. i know that i put others first when they needed something, i know that my day was full of love and support from the ones that matter, i know that i tried and i fought as hard as i could.
thats how i get to sleep at night.

no 5 things.... because i feel life i have 50, and thats a step in the right direction.

never really had a chance.

Its hard to believe that it is already Thursday. I have had a really long week... sick me, cranky pants apple.... it happens.
A few things happened this week that hurt like hell, but i guess most of it is to be expected... we all make our own choices in life and have to live with them later.
it still hurts all the same, and i am still not sure how to deal with it..but its just one more piece to this complex puzzle that i am trying to sort out.
i am still so unsure of whats next for myself, i keep looking and keep searching for what is in i want out of life.
i know i don't want this part... the lonely part, the part where i feel like i have been discarded so easily. the part where i feel i am not enough. i really want this empty part to go away.

5 things
i asked a tough question
i put me first
i kept my cool
asked for help
was the bigger person.

Song 19.

Sundays used to be my favorite day of the week. i used to love getting set up for the week ahead and planning what was to come... now i dread them. i still look forward to the week ahead, but Sundays just leave me feeling lonely and sad.
most if not all of my friends and family are generally busy doing family stuff... which is what they should be doing..... and yes i am with apple.... i just miss the Sunday night talks and dinners that used to be part of my life.
if i could stress to people something that i have learned in all of this, its that they have to take the time in life to look around and be grateful. look around you, and see whos there with you on a Sunday night.... thats who loves you the most.
hug them a little longer today, make sure that they know how much you love Sundays with them.
make sure that they know despite you being angry they forgot to pick up paper towels or cat litter.... you love them and would not want to spend the day any other way then in your cozy pants with them.
maybe if i would have said it more none of this ever would have happened.

5 things
got some sleep
talked to a good friend
took a day bath
drove for a hug
didn't dwell.