unsure of what the balance held.

The fall is short but hard.

It's often in the dead of night.

When I am alone.


I am comfortable that way.

I can deal with it alone.


Today was different.


It was 7:23 when the bottom dropped.


I was on talking with my mum, doing everything I could to get off the phone and end the conversation.


It was happening.


When it comes I can't control it.



My cell phone rang and gave me the excuse I needed.


My friends 3 year old son called, as he sometimes does.


To tell me how much he loved the duck game we gave him for his birthday.

His sweet voice gave me a few seconds of calm but it wasn't enough.


Why is it never enough.


The bottom dropped and I could no longer hide.


I could hear the distinctive rustle of his mum grabbing the phone.



"Are you o.k?"


"You need to tell me what's wrong"

"Please"



Those questions seem so simple seeing them.


"Are you o.k?"



Over and over again she asks.


I finally tell her no.



I break the silence that has sat still inside me for months.




I tell her no.




Over and over again.


No.







She tells me she will be here within thirty minutes.

With wine.







I don't stop crying.



I still haven't stopped crying.



In the last five months, I have watched by dad be diagnosed and deal with having cancer, I have watched my grandfather die and I was easily convinced I had found something real to love... only to realize it wasn't.


It's clearly too much.





4 hours later.


I feel my feet on the ground.



I feel stronger.

More hopeful.



For two reasons.



One is the friend.



Who berated me for not calling her.



For reminding me they don't need to know, they want to know.






Secondly, for the txt from my dad at 10:24 that read "Love you"


It's enough.

Enough to end today and start tomorrow.


Enough to get me into my bed and make remember that my life is patiently waiting for me.