The one about the polysporin

Months ago before I had moved back home, there was a moment.

A moment that stopped me dead in my tracks.

Apple took a small fall.

It was nothing major. All she had done was scrape her knee.

I went to grab the polysporin... and realized that she was too young for me to use the adult kind... I would have to go get some of the kids kind......

and with that, I was done for.

That was the moment.

The first moment in my life that I could not just go to a store and buy what I needed.

Financially, it was over for me.

I had used every ounce of savings, I had used every credit card.... I had used everything.

I had nothing.

I sat on the step in my living room and cried.

My brain told me to call my parents, to tell them.... to ask them for help.

But my pride as usual got in the way.

They had no clue how bad it was. No one had any clue how bad it had gotten.

I was carrying the weight of the bills on my own most months, with no job and no source of income.

Things with my support had not been going easily, and I was not receiving regular payments.

I had already started to work part time at my new job, but it wasn't enough.... I had yet to miss a payment but I knew that would only be a few short days away.

That night I laid awake in my bed for hours, hoping for a miracle.

Wishing that something would change.

Words he had said to me earlier that day echoed in my mind..... "no ones coming to save you"

"no one" he kept repeating.

What he said lit some sort of fire in me.....

I started to think to myself.... No one might be coming.... but I will save her and I.

I will fix this.

No one would ever again tell me I couldn't.

The next morning, I went through my normal routine--- but two huge things happened.

I got an email from a friend, just a random forward that I would normally delete, It was one of those email this to three people and something good will happen.... but that is not what caught my eye.

It was a line at the end that read... "You must be the change you wish to see in the world"

I thought about that for a long time... that I had to become the change.

I realized that you can't just sit back and wait for the change, you have to take charge and see what you want out there and go and get it.

That morning I decided that for good, I would be in charge of what was going to happen to us.... and that the best way to do this was easy.... to simply DO IT.

Get out there and get it done.

I did not forward the email for the "good thing to happen"

I just knew it would.

Minutes later I did what I always do, and checked my banking online.

There had been a rather large deposit, from my former employer.

I checked and re checked and called human resources to make sure it was mine.

It was.. infact mine, Some holiday pay that had gotten lost in the shuffle... something that I had not been expecting.

I could breathe.

For the first time in weeks.

I got myself and my best girl ready for the day and we headed out to shoppers.

Where I bought 2 tubes of polysporin, the kids kind.... that we probably didn't need at that point, but I needed it to feel safe.

I still have the two tubes of polysporin.

Each time I use one, I remember.....

I remember that I had to stop wishing for a miracle and make one of my own.

I'll Promise you this.

There are cracks in my mind formed from all of this.

Cracks where one story starts and another begins.

Cracks where I have pushed a memory so deep inside me that it is hard to recall. But it is there, waiting patiently until I am ready.

Day three of being left by him I got myself to the doctors.

I was a mess, I had not slept in days, I had not eaten in days and all I could do was sob uncontrollably.

He was kind and immediately gave the guidance that I so desperately needed.

Since I had yet to tell most of the people in my life, he encouraged me to reach out..... the help I was going to need with apple beyond important.

I needed rest, and I needed to eat.

I could handle most of that.

It was rational.

I could still be rational. I just needed a plan.

We put a plan in place for the next few and agreed to meet up the next week.

It was going to be ok.

When I stood up to leave... he quickly with one hand on my shoulder sat me back down.

Looking me dead in the eyes, he said " you are both going to need to be tested for stds"

I shrugged it off and told him, " I will, but you will have to talk to him about getting one for himself"

"No, not him he said... Apple. You will have to get Apple tested for aids. She was breast fed"

A whole new kind of rage filled up inside me.

It was never something that crossed my mind.

Ever.

I fought him on it.

I rejected the very thought of it.

No, No way would I do this to her.

No way would I put my baby... my beautiful 9 month of baby girl through this.

But he reasoned with me. He explained to me that it was what was best for her, that without question it would need to be done.

I told no one.

I said nothing.

But we went.

I held my daughter down for more than 4 minutes while they drew the deepest purple color blood I have ever seen.

It took 4 minutes.

4 minutes that felt like 6 hours.

She screamed and cried and stared at me with her big worried eyes.

She would try to them stop by rolling on to her tummy and reaching out for me... all the while I could do nothing but hold her down.

It killed me.

I put my head next to hers and told her over and over again how sorry I was.

I promised her .... that this moment would be her worst.

That everything after this would be better, everything after this would be ok.

When they were finished we sat together on the chair.

I stroked her hair, and she slowly settled.... when she became calm enough to get back home

I put her in her car seat and sat in the parking lot of the medical clinic and sobbed.

Our tests came back clear of any problems.... and for that I am grateful.

Those 4 moments broke something in me that will never be fixed.

They changed me.

But those 4 moments also gave me the strength I needed to complete the rest of the journey,

To keep the promise to her.

"That moment" will be her worst.