But there is a change in me that I find hard to explain.
The changes came late on a wednesday night when I saw something clearly for the first time, or early on a sunday morning when I woke up to apple calling my name.
It was never as fast or as easy as I would have liked it to be, but it happened.
I became, however slowly... the person that sits here today.
More confident.
More settled.
More patient.
More alive.
More aware of what and who I want around me.
My birthday itself was a reminder of both the love that surrounds me and the loneliness inside me.
When I shut the door each time people left from a visit, the silence was still there.
It's not as loud as before, and it's manageable but it is still there inside me.
I wonder every single day if it will ever leave me.
If there is something that will change this.
I'm not sure.
I got a phone call from a friend to wish me happy father's day today.
It surprised me.
He explained to me that I'm both roles to my daughter, even if she may see her father....
I am the one daily that is both her mother and her father.
I cried a bit, like I always do when we talk... and realized he was right.
My girl is upstairs where she belongs, sleeping soundly after a day at the park with my parents and a golf lesson from my brother.
We had an amazing day together
Tonight, I don't hear the silence.
