It's way too early, and I still need to run and shower and get ready for work... so this is not something i want to happen.
But it happens.
I'll ask her what's wrong and she'll tell me about the dream she had or how the blankets don't feel cold.
I need her to go back to bed.
I need her to understand I have a lot of shit to do before she can get out of bed...
She is persistent and highly articulate about what her "needs" are.
I either get into bed with her or she is coming into mine.
My frustration is boiling over at this point.... my sentences are always very broken and sharp...
"I can't"
"Just sleep"
"It's fine"
Her kind eyes are piercing. My heart aches to do the right thing.
I don't have time... I never have enough time.
I get it now though.
She wants it....
She wants that time with me... that time that I will just lay with her and be "hers"
I get it because I want the same.
I sit with him.
He looks tired.
So god awful tired.
Always older then the last time I have seen him.
He tells me he's fine.
I roll my eyes.
He smiles.
I move closer as if feeling him beside me will keep him with me longer.
We sit like that for as long as we can.
Until she wants our attention and the moments gone.
But for that moment... it is so clear and so calming.
He is mine.
He is my dad.
He is my everything.
And I adore him.
Everything about him.
He's my first call in the morning and one of my last thoughts before I sleep.
I could never have asked for anything more.
I am grateful for each moment with him now.
Although it feels like our lives are on a stop watch now.. that I watch from a distance... while still trying to enjoy the moment.
He set a precedent at a young age with me.
I knew I was a priority.
He taught me the most important lesson you can ever teach a child.
"No matter what, you can always come home"
No matter what I did, how ever badly I screwed up(believe me no one has ever screwed up as much or as badly as I did....) I knew, I could go home.
Always.
As I lay with her on those early mornings I try to take advantage of our time.
I tell her the things he tells me.
Like how much I love her, or how no matter how bad it is we can always fix it, and how proud of her I am for the small stuff.
I pray the words sink in.
Those same statements have saved me. In the literal sense, they saved my life.
Over and over again his words often echo in my head at my worst times... reminding me to get back up, no matter how bad it seems... tomorrow will always come, and no matter what you can always find home.
He has four treatments of radiation left.
I could not be more proud.
He has faced this with the strength and courage that only the best have.
As you read this Dad, know forever and for always... you are it.
You are the best and brightest example of a man I could have ever had.
I love you, stop watch or not... I love every minute of you.
Forever, and for always.
I get it because I want the same.
I sit with him.
He looks tired.
So god awful tired.
Always older then the last time I have seen him.
He tells me he's fine.
I roll my eyes.
He smiles.
I move closer as if feeling him beside me will keep him with me longer.
We sit like that for as long as we can.
Until she wants our attention and the moments gone.
But for that moment... it is so clear and so calming.
He is mine.
He is my dad.
He is my everything.
And I adore him.
Everything about him.
He's my first call in the morning and one of my last thoughts before I sleep.
I could never have asked for anything more.
I am grateful for each moment with him now.
Although it feels like our lives are on a stop watch now.. that I watch from a distance... while still trying to enjoy the moment.
He set a precedent at a young age with me.
I knew I was a priority.
He taught me the most important lesson you can ever teach a child.
"No matter what, you can always come home"
No matter what I did, how ever badly I screwed up(believe me no one has ever screwed up as much or as badly as I did....) I knew, I could go home.
Always.
As I lay with her on those early mornings I try to take advantage of our time.
I tell her the things he tells me.
Like how much I love her, or how no matter how bad it is we can always fix it, and how proud of her I am for the small stuff.
I pray the words sink in.
Those same statements have saved me. In the literal sense, they saved my life.
Over and over again his words often echo in my head at my worst times... reminding me to get back up, no matter how bad it seems... tomorrow will always come, and no matter what you can always find home.
He has four treatments of radiation left.
I could not be more proud.
He has faced this with the strength and courage that only the best have.
As you read this Dad, know forever and for always... you are it.
You are the best and brightest example of a man I could have ever had.
I love you, stop watch or not... I love every minute of you.
Forever, and for always.
