Lots of it.
It is hard to believe that I have not said a word since January.
It has always been my intention to write, and I have... and those posts will come but right now I can tell you this.
The last time I published a post... something changed inside me.
I let go.
Of all of the anger, the resentment, the sadness but most of all the pain.
I accepted my fate and became grateful for it.
The same week I published that post I was driving on a very cold winter day down the street with apple. I had just picked her up from daycare and we were heading home.
I happen to glance out the window and saw a young mother around my age standing at the bus stop with a child around apples age.
The mother rubbed the child's hands in hers to warm them up .
The child's coat did not look warm enough and the mother was glancing up and down the road.... wishing and hoping that the bus would just get to them faster.
I looked away to focus on the road, and like a tonne of bricks it dropped on me.
The words that echoed in my mind were clear...... more clear for than ever before.
"that's not me"
I thought about all that apple and I have, and what a charmed life we lead.
We have more then I could ever ask for.
We have never had to stand at a bus stop in the freezing cold.
With the family and friends I have in my life.... we never will.
For what seems like forever, I was just"existing" in my life.
I would wake up each day and focus.
Focus on nothing but getting through the day and getting home....having dinner....getting her to bed...run...get myself to bed.
That was it.
Everyday, for so many days they all blur together.
Just "existing".
I was trying so hard to get from one day to the next that I forgot to live in them.
I forgot that it would be OK to just be OK.
To start to live again.
Really live. Without the guilt. Without the shame. Without the pain.
The same day we got home after seeing that mother and her child waiting for the bus we made play dough out of orange jello. Then I let her throw glitter on the floor just because she wanted to.
We stayed up late and watched Toy Story 3.
I was happy.
She was happy.
And finally;
It was just gone.
All the bullshit that I had been holding on to had finally left me.
From that day on.... right into today.... I can tell you that I will be eternally grateful that he left.
Maybe it wasn't in the right way and maybe it could have been easier on both of us, but I can't get over the feeling that it might have been the only way out for either one of us.
But the truth is, I have never known this kind of happiness.
To wake each morning and feel grateful for the day ahead is unreal... and a long time coming.
I feel so much sadness that I wasted so much of my life never knowing this kind of happiness was out there in the world just waiting for me.
But, without all that wasted time... I would have been without all that gratitude I have now.
Things have been amazing in the last few months.
Apple and her father and I have been able to spend some time together.
Just the three of us.
I know.
I find it hard to believe as well, but it works... and works well.
For her... I know the two of us will do anything.
Working together as a team, as parents to show her that we are a family.
One that looks a little different..... but one that is stronger living apart then together.
Apple has just turned a huge corner in life.
The last four weeks have been some of the most memorable to date.
Everyday she makes me beam with pride about something that she has said or done.
She is compassionate and kind to others.
Her sense of comedic timing is unreal.
She loves with her whole heart.
Her temper is the same as mine. (this scares the shit out of me)
And she is beautiful.
So beautiful.
I can't tell you how lucky I feel.
Mostly, that I get to be her mum, but also for this second chance at a life filled with glitter on the floor and late night movies on the couch.
People often ask me "when does your happy ending come?"
I got it.
