Life gets ahold of you sometimes, and I tell myself I will write tomorrow... then tomorrow turns into next week and next week turns into next month.
But, here I am... living in a half packed house... trying not to go nuts.
The last month has been so overwhelming in so many ways.
The memory's from a life gone by are everywhere I look these days.
As I pack, sort and throw out parts of our life I am constantly reminded of a life created by two, is now being lead by a different set of two.
I have been stand-offish and I have been distant to those closest to me.
I have not been myself... for weeks.
My ability to clearly recall moments of "us" in this house is paralyzing, and I am often left in tears.
No longer because I want my life back, but because of the pain I feel that someone I had loved so much hurt me this badly.
I have come to a very clear understanding that this pain is a part of me and no matter how much time passes I will always shake my head in disbelief that this is what he chose to do to Apple and I.
The more good things that happen to me soften the edges of my heart... my happiness is daily and I am comfortable in my own skin but I believe the process of packing and moving has taken it's toll on me.
In the middle of all this Apple and I got sick.
She was first.
It was fast and violent and with 100% certainty the most frightened I have ever been in my life.
It came on so suddenly and with such force that I was beyond shocked.
I had never seen her like that and pray every night that I will never have to see her like that again.
It was 7 solid hours of getting sick every twenty minutes.
At around 345am as we layed in my bed... she reached out for my hand and held it tightly, she used her other hand to brush her little fingers over my eyes, as if to tell me to shut them.
That it would be ok to sleep for a bit.
When I woke up she was cozied in beside me like she used to when she was a baby, the dog and cat had joined us on the bed at some point after we both fell asleep....
Easily I forgot about the night before and layed there with my family and felt content.
It is nights like that one that I understand more why I am going to be ok.
Because I stayed, for better or worse, in sickness and in health-- I stayed, and I make this life great for us every single day, without him.
But not without help.
My parents were unbelievable through out the entire ordeal... ( I got sick a few days later, and they kept a pretty miserable Apple occupied for the day.)
The weekend also brought some good times that I need to mention.
Some great friends of mine had a party for me on Friday night.... one that I am sure they... or I will not easily forget.
We laughed and we cried....and I made a middle eastern man say the f word.
Not because he was mad at me, but because I pressured him into it.
It was amazing, and exactly what I needed.
I also got a suprise sleepover with one of my besties on Saturday night, so all and all great weekend.
I move in 10 days.
I'll do my best to keep you updated on how we do over this next bit,
but bare with me....
