two years.

This weekend marked the two year anniversary of this mess starting.

Regardless of the time that has passed, anniversary's of events still get to me.

It is not as consuming as it used to be, but it weights on me. Like when you get a bad case of the chills that you can't get rid of.

I know how much things have changed in the last two years, and I am grateful for how far things have come.

But somedays.... well somedays it still hurts.

Some times I still lay awake at night and wonder how or why.

What upsets me is that i will never ever know the truth.

Recently I heard, you can't find peace until you find all the pieces.

I'm searching.

I am trying to fix what was wrong with me then, and what's wrong with me now.

I am coming to some sad conclusions about who I use to be.

That is the piece of the puzzle that I can fix-- the piece that I was never knew that was broken until two years ago.

I am working on this daily, sometimes by the minute, and when I have it sorted in my head, you'll be the first to know.

That chill that followed me around this weekend was warmed by that beautiful girl of mine.

We enjoyed the sun, and the rain but most of all our time together.

It's full sentences and meaningful conversations on a daily basis here. She likes to pick her own shoes and tell me the colour of elastics that go in her hair.

Lately when I am laughing or smiling Apple will look at me and say..

" look mommy...... your happy"

She sees it, which pushes me to not just look it, but to be it.

She can see my happiness even on the days I can't.

where we are.

Resentment is a dangerous thing.

I don't feel it everyday, but I feel it.

Alot.

Some days I feel it when I am racing home after work to pick her up from day care.

I am never fast enough.

I can never seem to get diner on the table or get changed out of my work clothes or do just anything..... with out a struggle.

Sometimes I feel it when I am doing a million things well, but nothing great.

Like I am never enough.

Sometimes I feel it when I am sitting at my desk at work, wishing I was at home with her.

But I had no choice.

Some days I feel it when he tells me he can't take her on his weekend.

He has a choice.

I don't.

I just need to make it all work.

I need to shuffle things around and back out on commitments.

The resentment builds frustration, anger and stress in me.

I can't stand it.

It is not who I am.

This week something very important dawned on me.

I truly believe that if you are not frustrated, angry or stressed sometimes as a parent, then you are probably not doing your job right.

Most parents are.

Most of us are constantly any or all of those three things at any given time.

What I am feeling is ok.

It's right.

It is where I am right now.

Recognizing this makes me hopeful.

just another one.

I want to be able to tell you i am ok everyday, but I am not.

I still struggle some days, and I still feel weak others.

It is days like tomorrow that I find it hard to deal with.

It's mothers day, and I am a mother that will have her daughter with me all day long.

I am grateful.

Beyond grateful that I will be able to spend the entire day with my best girl.

Beyond grateful that I have friends and family, that will call not because they feel sorry for me, but because they love me.

But days like this are a constant reminder of this life that was meant for three, now being lived by two.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt even mentioning something so seemingly trivial.

My brain tells me to push this out....

My heart reminds me just how alone you can feel.

Even when your not.

Not her. Me.

As I lay in bed tonight I hear the same music coming from her room that I have played for her every night since she was born.

It tones down the sharpness of the dogs bark and makes the sound of the washing machine fade away in the distance.... but mostly it is a familiar sound that both of us like to hear at night.

Being here has settled us both. We are calmer versions of who we were a few months ago, very quickly we have gotten use to this new routine.

I am back to work four days a week, and she is with her sitter and my mum for those days.

She has come leaps and bounds since day one.... now going with out much fuss, and enjoying her time while she is there.

I have not.

I miss her.

I miss her so much every day that it is painful.

I cry most days at some point, when I look at the time and wonder what she might be doing, or when I think of the way she ate her breakfast like a big girl in the morning.

Mostly I just wish it was me that could take her to the park or open her raisin box.

Mostly I am resenting the person that took that away from me.

I understand the bottom line well.

This is what happens; this is what has to be done; this is the sacrifice that I have to make;

But I miss her.

My god do I miss her.

I have been blessed with an amazing boss, and a great work environment.

They are BEYOND accommodating to my situation, and they are 100% on board with my "apple comes first" attitude.

I have also been blessed with the most amazing parents.

They pick up the slack and more on a daily basis.

Not a single day goes by when I don't regret being an asshole to them when I was a teenager. (and maybe early 20's... ok and maybe my late 20's early 30's.... come to think of it I was probably an asshole baby too)

So, I get it.

We all have to do this, and it sucks..... and not many people are as blessed as I am.

I will get through this.

I should also probably re think how much of an asshole I can be.

But that's another blog.

A letter to my friend.

I know you are not ok.

The truth is you won't be for awhile.

I know that you are in more pain than you ever thought possible.

The truth is this is the beginning of a very long road.

I know you just want to hit rewind and get it all back.

The truth is there will come a day when you won't want any of it back, you'll just want to move forward.

I know that some days it takes every ounce of strength you have in you to get out of bed.

The truth is you have to, for those two beautiful children of yours.

I know that you are blaming yourself for all of this.

The truth is none of this is your fault... you have always been a dedicated wife and mother who never wanted anything more than the best for her family.

I know that you don't understand.

The truth is you never really will.

I know you think it will never be the same.

The truth is it won't... it will be different, then better.

I know you feel alone.

The truth is we all do, but none of us every really are, there are so many people who want to be here for you, not just through this... but forever.

Most of all I know that you feel lost.

The truth is you are.... but those two children are your map.

You will get through this.

I promise.

Moving recap.

Home.

It's weird to say, but even weirder to feel.

The last day at my old house was painful and full of a profound sadness that I knew had been waiting in the dark shadows of my mind.

I was blindsided by how empty the house looked as the movers took everything out of my house, piece by piece I watched it all leave the house....

easily remembering the days that all of it came in the house.

I was alone.

In our house.

I was alone.

Again.

And then, out of no where I wasn't.

My neighbours who have now become more like family, were there beside me.... just like they always had been.

My last memory of the house on Farmhouse Road will always be of them.

Standing in the garage hugging so tight that I didn't want to let go.

My first memory of my new house will always be of my dad, standing on my driveway waiting for me.

It already felt like home.

Seeing him standing out there felt so familiar, mostly because I never came home on time as a teenager so when he was really pissed he would stand outside on the driveway and wait for me....

The weekend flew by and by the time Sunday came my best girl and I were comfortably living in our new house.

It's more real now for me than ever before.

That I am alright now.

I slept better my first night here then I had slept in years, and when I woke up.... I instantly knew I was home.

We love it here.

This was the best thing we could have done..... It has already started to change things for us.

I feel it slowly but surely, a new normal.. that I adore.

The bittersweet.

It's been too long. Bottom line.

Life gets ahold of you sometimes, and I tell myself I will write tomorrow... then tomorrow turns into next week and next week turns into next month.

But, here I am... living in a half packed house... trying not to go nuts.

The last month has been so overwhelming in so many ways.

The memory's from a life gone by are everywhere I look these days.

As I pack, sort and throw out parts of our life I am constantly reminded of a life created by two, is now being lead by a different set of two.

I have been stand-offish and I have been distant to those closest to me.

I have not been myself... for weeks.

My ability to clearly recall moments of "us" in this house is paralyzing, and I am often left in tears.

No longer because I want my life back, but because of the pain I feel that someone I had loved so much hurt me this badly.

I have come to a very clear understanding that this pain is a part of me and no matter how much time passes I will always shake my head in disbelief that this is what he chose to do to Apple and I.

The more good things that happen to me soften the edges of my heart... my happiness is daily and I am comfortable in my own skin but I believe the process of packing and moving has taken it's toll on me.

In the middle of all this Apple and I got sick.

She was first.

It was fast and violent and with 100% certainty the most frightened I have ever been in my life.

It came on so suddenly and with such force that I was beyond shocked.

I had never seen her like that and pray every night that I will never have to see her like that again.

It was 7 solid hours of getting sick every twenty minutes.

At around 345am as we layed in my bed... she reached out for my hand and held it tightly, she used her other hand to brush her little fingers over my eyes, as if to tell me to shut them.

That it would be ok to sleep for a bit.

When I woke up she was cozied in beside me like she used to when she was a baby, the dog and cat had joined us on the bed at some point after we both fell asleep....

Easily I forgot about the night before and layed there with my family and felt content.

It is nights like that one that I understand more why I am going to be ok.

Because I stayed, for better or worse, in sickness and in health-- I stayed, and I make this life great for us every single day, without him.

But not without help.

My parents were unbelievable through out the entire ordeal... ( I got sick a few days later, and they kept a pretty miserable Apple occupied for the day.)

The weekend also brought some good times that I need to mention.

Some great friends of mine had a party for me on Friday night.... one that I am sure they... or I will not easily forget.

We laughed and we cried....and I made a middle eastern man say the f word.

Not because he was mad at me, but because I pressured him into it.

It was amazing, and exactly what I needed.

I also got a suprise sleepover with one of my besties on Saturday night, so all and all great weekend.

I move in 10 days.

I'll do my best to keep you updated on how we do over this next bit,

but bare with me....